I Laugh

12/19/05

I laughed,,,
The louder the music played the more I laughed.
Swinging around into he melancholy of the moon lights enchantment,,,
I cried,,,
I cried the tear that fell a thousand times, pooling in the puddle of our existence. Feeling the gentle stroke of his hand wipe away that sadness in an instance...
... and I smiled...
Coddled in a blanket of everything and nothing, made only of significance that cannot be possessed nor gifted. Sprinkled with stars and covered with midnights thickness. Watching the morning be born as it has through out all eternity, but never as it had for us.
and I died,,,,
Falling away from what use to be me yet again for what seems like my only destiny. All the while searching back for the sound of that rhythm in silence and hearing only the ironic quiet of a blanketed memory...
... and I laughed....

Poison

November 2, 2005

Poison... that toxic perfume of my existence slowly poisons and taints itself unto death. I feel it... with every pump of that wretched organ, the fire is pushed to the outter reaches of my body and returns back again spreading it's disease, beginning it's decay. The blood I once held as precious, the red liquid intoxication with which I was obsessed, now seems a vile overrated neccessity that obtrudes itself upon me. I pray for the rain to wash this filth away from me. To pour itself upon my skin and wash away this corruption leaving the soft skin that was once beneath the hand of the one that I wished it to be.

Release

A steady drip, I steadily slip,
Silence,,, save for the echo of each drop.
A slit wrist, against your fist,
Pray the blood not stop.
Heated hands, the burning sands,
Slow motion, the cold slips in.
Shivering, shaking, morbid lovemaking,
I see it down there,,, the end.
Falling non-stop, drip, drip, drop,
Through darkness into relief,
And Oh, so it seems, I am only a dream,
A dream in a dream of this peace.
And as I escape life's cruel cherade,
To feel the crimsoned release,
Drop upon drop, and a final stop,
Then suddenly the maddness has ceased. 

A Dream

I found myself dreaming, deep in sleeping slumber and quiet solitude. Curling my fingers and arms close against me to snuggle near that precious comfort that is no longer against my sleeping breast, gone but not missing, as I find myself in dreams peaceful embrace I do not realize it's not even there.
Cool breezes painted poetically with a touch of warm golden sun lit brushstrokes almost in slow motion covering the ground in my minds small but city like square with colors of browns, yellows and dark orange leaves that dance so lovely in that place that's formed its garden now permanently painted in my memory and wishing somewhere it might exist for me.... Could it please really exist for me?
The towering buildings remind me of tall versions of a village that might exist somewhere in Italy or Venice but seemingly misplace here in the small town existence of my dream world and although misplaced feel so much like home... I am so happy.
I stand in awe... not of the beauty of the monuments, not in the wonder of having such a perfect place covered also in such perfect Fall... but in that here in this place where lay all that I love and all that makes me happy I also found you again. Walking through long lovely open corridors, strolling through the courtyard listening to the leaves beneath my feet, sitting on the stone steps of the most beautiful building I have ever seen in non existence, taking in the beauty of the angelic statue that rests inside the wrought iron fence in the middle of it all,,, there you were, your eyes to mine, your nose to my nose, your arms holding me so beautifully and it seemed I found peace again like I have not found in so long. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to truly be happy and here it was, so real and so wonderful.... and then I awoke.
All day I have closed my eyes to find myself back inside the Autumn Dream and all day I have found you when I did. But all day, I have longed to never open them again and stay there... because there is no where else that I want to be, nor any other way to be there but in A Dream.

Still Motion

Steady, fast and confident strides this sure footed traveler. On and on, I journey, each day telling myself to just keep going. Just do. "Do or do not, there is no try" quoth the legendary wide eyed master along with many other pearls of wisdom and inspirational writings that people remind themselves of daily or subscribe to in order to help them make it from sun up to sun down. I find myself repeating the phrase, quite often of late, in my mind to help me make it through the thickness of dense dark negativity that imprisons us from the moment we open our eyes each morning and does not release us until we are in those briefly quiet moments between sleep and dreams when the mind does nothing.
Just keep moving, just keep going, just keep doing.... and eventually I will be there....
where?
I'm not sure.
I suddenly have this overwhelming feeling as if I've not actually moved at all. I've not made any progress nor moved any closer to that imaginary goal that I'm not even sure "is". A still motion I daily commit myself to in order to convince myself that I'm getting there.... to better, to smarter, to more successful, to prettier, to thinner, to .... good enough, I suddenly realize while sitting here all alone behind this glass filled with faceless others that, I'll never get there.
No matter where I am, I am nowhere when there is something missing and as long as that something is missing, I'm always going to be somewhere less than, good enough.

All

Sitting here, my mind has been on you again. Over and Over again your image flashes inside my brain everytime I close my eyes and everytime I open them. A somber torment that I'm not sure if I love or hate, but can't do without either way. It's all I have...

Them

How I hate to hate this fall,,, diminishing myself deep and far into this sinking depression that only leads me further and further down that hole to nothing but nothing. I feel the dark creeping closer slowly crawling its way across to me inch by inch I can feel it's cold fingers on the tips of my toes in the darkness and instead of jump I only stand there cornered and wishing it would just hurry and consume me entirely until I forget what it was like to see the sunlight. If I forget I cannot remember... If I cannot remember,,, then I cannot know anything else but nothing. I close my eyes, screaming in agony of still being aware that there is someplace different,,, there is something good, there is something real,,, there is a place of peace and understanding where the rain is soft and my soul is quiet and full of smile. Yet here I stand, praying in darkness to just forget and submit my entity to that fabricated reality of cold shallow thick muddy creek water that everyone goes to when the rain comes no more,,, and just drink with them. Because I am now,,,, them.
Makes you wish you hadn't followed the white rabbit or taken the red pill...

Fly Away

I found myself sleeping. Quietly drifting off between this world and the next, I decided to travel. Looking down as I see myself lying quietly in my bed, I then begin to fly away. Through the ceiling into the clouds away from myself and to you. I should not be surprised as this is where my thoughts always seem to take me.
Enter I through your window to see you sitting unaware quietly dedicated to something a glow and intent in front of you which I cannot see. Odd to me that you are so alert and awake in this dark hour that I lay sleeping. I move around you in hopes you can sense I am watching, yet a ghost is all it appears I am to you now.
I reach out and touch your hair and a chill comes over you as such you shiver then turn to look at me, yet look right through me into the next room. I smell for you. That scent which I long to embrace I search for, but do not find.
Then comes the cold.... icy breath and a cold so deep that burns my soul, I feel the darkness coming. And, I know it's time for me to go. Float away again I watch as you get smaller until finally out of sight, I find myself again sound and oblivious. If I were not awake within myself I would think I were dreaming.

Distracted

Into the warm pool of clear crystal inspiration, I waded in shoulders deep in all my nakedness and dipped my head beneath the surface of liquid educated theoretic ramblings. Pausing for a moment to hear the muffled noises of scattered voices full of choices.
Smiling to myself full of the thought, of thoughts, of what they thought, they must have.
So I swim from the shallow to find my mind some deeper in the darkness of the depths only to be distracted with the unforeseen and unwelcomed kiss of the manfish that lingers below. He tempts me to come and dance that watery dance with his singing chant for his loneliness needs its ease to find this temporary companionship. Playfully he swims toward the light of his chambers and I do not follow. Suspended in the liquid shadows I seem to have forgotten my journey, I pause looking left and right for some sign that might remind me of my intended venture... yet alas it is gone afloat to the surface to join the vocal vibrations of pondering speech that echoes through the rippling wet covers above me... where I do not want to return.
Neither this way nor that way I turn to follow the beckoning melody of the enchanted one that sings for me to come and find the pleasure that he keeps for me in safe chambers with silent bars.

Numb Paradise

It feels like morning in Spring... Still too cold and gray to call it Spring but you do anyway.
Soaking in the wet dew deep inside my skin, drenching my hair, settling in my eyes and totally absorbed by every follicle of myself that would feel the absorption if the cold and wet had not numbed me to the point of not feeling.
It crosses my mind that hypothermia is soon to take me, yet still I soak it all in until finally,,, becoming it,,, I can hold it. Hold it tight and long and somehow delay Spring all-together and remain trapped here in the lovely cold limbo.
Slow motion now, almost a halt, the dew continues to fall and I can reach out and catch it, touch it, change its direction,,, change its course, manipulate each molecule if I would. I play curiously with a few drops, then, watching them float away, I am secure that I now possess it enough to call it mine.
Closing my eyes I summon it more... more and more quickly, until it's finally a steady beating drizzle of a blissfully rainy morning. I don't even notice how frozen my fingers and limbs have become because now there is nothing to feel anyway... only the cold that I have become one with,, and that's all.
It has consumed me until I have in turn consumed it.
I close my eyes and listen to the beautiful rhythm of the liquid gray melody and for a moment find peace. It's a comfort that only the absence of everything can bring. A cold focus...
Breathe in and breathe out,,, the raindrops fall upon my skin and disappear instantly into my entirety. Breathe in again and feel the icy coolness hit my lungs and complete the portrait of my numb paradise... I am complete. I am at peace and finally, I am without pain.
A sudden warmth touches my face awakening me again to my surroundings and taking this cold solitude away from me brings me again.... aware. A tiny ray of sunlight invading this gray fortress I have conjured has in its simple and smallest entrance stopped everything. The rain falls in one abrupt motion then ceases as if time itself is no longer existent... I open my eyes slowly to the astounding revelation that I now can feel again.
That feel of all feels that I obsessively repeat on paper. That morbid reaching thriving vine that's wrapped so neatly grown around my heart over these years and with every moment,,, every heart beat,,, tears deeper and deeper,,, killing me silently with every miserable pump.
I begin to cry in the realization that there will never be a place or a time that I can be numb enough to keep you and your love from reaching my deepest insides and making me...................................................... feel.

Alone

A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...

When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there? 

BITE ME

Saturday, April 11, 2009 12:20 AM

Bite Me (Writing)
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

And so it goes once more around and turning up that silent sound, breaking through the muddy veil and peircing deep the driven nail, echo, bellow, yell and shout because this is what it's all about.... That silent scream, that red on gray, that bite, the blood, the hell you say!!! But it is and was and never will, yet still this blood just keeps it's spill, and why I let you bite me deep??? When you fucking will not stay your teeth! Yet fall and fall again and more while watching little friendly whores sweep and sway and hold your eye while I listen to your stupid lies, again again, this verse repeats then spills out words on empty sheets. And mad it seems I cannot be because I have no right you see, but love I know it cannot prove because true love it can't be moved, not by might not by will not even by blondish girlish frills. I may not have all that I thought but at least I know I have it bought. And sometimes love it can be jaded but at least I know I won't be traded. Why write about your deep desires then run it down on back road tires? Bury it deep around the bend and hope that message doesn't send! Oh yes I feel that these years are full... Swelling up begin to pull,,,, tearing gently at my ends and spilling out on new begins... and unravel out these loosened threads that sewn up the bite that bled your red. Let it out, let it bleed, let it pour in glassy weeds. Sinking deep into the earth to find it really had no worth, no right, no reason no sense to make, just stupid naive past by mistakes, to live and love and know the truth and wonder what it meant to you... and why the fuck it is I write, these words so much when you they fight, they come out, breath, become born in each and every time I mourn... And God I HATE to love you so and I really now must let go. I'm wasting time and love and peace on something that's not real to me. It never is, it never was,,, It never should have been because, you cannot make a love be true when the love you try to makes with you. You'll never find the one to last because your always looking past, for better, prettier, more and much, I'm never going to be enough. I cursed myself for late so long and wished I could be the perfect one, the one you'd want the one you'd need the one to feed that hungry greed. I wondered why I wondered how, what to change, to fix me how??? But now I see what I need to see, it's not that I have fixing needs,,, I'm fine I'm right I'm just not for you, but for a while it seems that I will do. Until the next one passes by to cooly catch your waving eye, then she will do you for a time then bore you and you'll wonder why... I must it seems end this routine and let you find more sporting means, someone else to take this pain and take that hateful bite you rain. And pass I into the world of life, where people just don't seem to bite. No silent dark kept crypts to lay no late night playful stalking prey, no immortal love to make, no softly tinted shades of gray,,,, It's funny how true red does cast,,, because in life there is no real Lestat.

Currently watching:
Queen of the Damned (Widescreen Edition)

Emptiness

Emptiness,,,
Stay busy, get more stuff, find new things to do, go, make, buy, eat, create, keep going....... just keep going.... slightly a step ahead of that deep dark black nothingness that is just within a glance across my shoulder...
Nothing can fill the void of what a touch, a caress, a kiss, passion and romance leaves in it's absence. You keep going, you keep busy, you keep trying to replace something that can never be replaced until you can't go anymore...
Memories of sweat, heat and blood... never replaced, just ingored until I drive myself crazy I guess.

Generalized

November 11, 2005

A generalized Idea...
Am I so common and not special that I have become a general feeling and a general memory... a general experience? So easily transformed into something that can be related to someone else.

I must shake this dark depression I have sunken within. Burying myself so deep that of course if I am common, I will be common.
Gone but not forgotten... just as the granite usually depicts ones life... In General... 
Beloved...
Missed......
... but still.. 
Gone...
To think that one's feelings for another could be so easily transferred to anyone as to be generalized.
Yes,,, it is a very depressing thought to know this is how you existed to someone.
I almost stole that from you...I conjured it in my head several times over the course of a couple of weeks... To just sneak inside and take it.. then put it here for all to see how that one time you wanted me... And ironic that fate would have it thrown in my face to show me... No... it was not so... it was a general idea. 
Perhaps it belongs to another now...Perhaps what once was mine now is someone else's.. making it more common.
Perhaps it is telling me something...Something I have not wanted to hear but must listen to at last...

Heavy

12/12/05

I saw it there, floating almost close enough to touch.
But that is the dreamers way, aye? To almost reach that unreachable destination just shy of a moment, and still convince yourself that you may. I was sitting there in an instance, wrapped in his arms, sheltered from the cold, watching the sky and speaking of love and many things that we would speak of... yet I feel like I wasn't. I wanted it... to hold it... to remember.... but was I ever really there? Does it matter? I feel like it was all a dream. Perhaps if I sleep enough I will be there again.
But I know I should not and I could not.
I take the heavy path, and I wear my memories like a heavy coat. Each step reminds me how that I do not want to be here. My mind is filled with uncertainty, when just not so long ago everything was so clear.
I feel the weight in my chest, an also heavy burden. Why can it not just break into oblivion to decay and rot away? Why must it remain to pain me so with each beat?
I keep tormenting myself of my decisions. Did I make the right one? Irony that I do so, when I had only one to make... to move on...
So thus I walk, to where I'm not sure. I feel lost again... I do that often. That lost sense washes over me and I find myself searching for something. Funny how that one look into the eyes of another can bring it all together for you, and bring peace to that feeling. But it seems now I cannot find that peace as I once did.
Nor will I ever...

Forget Each Word

12/09/10

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.

Disconnected

Heat courses through my skin,
And the blade becomes hot.
And while I bled upon the floor,
Bleeding I was not.
Yet red is red either way it flows,
I did not cut myself I know.
So while the dripping cursed my veins,
I wished to bleed against the grain...
And bleed and bleed although it stopped,
To catch it's breath and gently mop,
Itself up from the cold hard ground,
I decide to loose myself there down,
And throw myself into it's spill,
To find out where and if it will,
Keep me there away from him,
Or send me home to dive and swim,
Into the pool so bitter dark,
And drink it up yet leave it's mark,
To scar my skin reminding me,
Of how I wished to with him be.
But pull me out and sink it's teeth,
Into the full breast beneath,
The silky white yet lifeless skin,
And fill the blood from out within,
To make me see that writhing red,
And disconnect me from the dead,
That I may miss his warming kiss,
Into the cold and lonely bliss.

I Think

I Think

Tap, Tap, at the door...
   ... Goes the psychobabble behind my brain, requesting an exit into this overcast existence.
  All its monotonous muttering and pacing about collecting its irrationalities in such a tidy organization just to be strewn frantically into the rest of the scraps humanity tosses about without recognition.
   And how insane it is in this insanity of scattered theoretics that looked so neatly drawn on the chalkboard of my membranes to be flying about frantically in the winds of madness...   ... So all along the wires of  my reasoning stretched tightly almost breaking, preferably should have been cut,
It seems it was madness all the while...

Time

May 3, 2010

Time

Time keeps ticking away,, everyday I watch it pass me by knowing how precious it is, I toss it aside every night with the rest of my garbage as if it meant nothing. I hear myself in my oh so convincing monotone voice saying over and over, "When I get to", "One Day I Will", "Things Will Be Different When", "If I Could Just Get To This Point Then",,, blah blah blah,,, same old shit I am forever telling myself to convince me or you or whoever that this is not all,,, there is more,,,, and I'm going to fix or change things,,, knowing that the only way to actually do that is to do it.
What keeps me from making that step? Is it the unknown? Perhaps it's more likely the "known" than the "unkown" I guess...
I want to so bad. Every minute, every breath, every breeze that brushes my face, every scent in the rain, in the sunshine, in the dark, in the morning, it comes with fog, it comes with storms, it comes with the warmth, it comes with the cold, it comes in every waking moment that my mind snaps back to reality and reminds me where I really am supposed to be. There it is... right in front of me,,, constantly in my brain never stoppping...
Like a ghost haunting my day and night.
Is it?

BleD

I feel you there, calling me deep into the night to fly away into that dark deep sky of black and beautiful quiet. The omnipresent echo that forever insanely whispers softly in my ear reminding me to never forget... never stop remembering. Constantly banging on the door of that not so cleaverly hidden room in my mind, the clanking of the chains ring out so loud that those around me hear and know the unspoken not so secret, secret, that constantly tortures my walking existence.
In the wind, in the night, in that silence that screams above the trees and through the clouds to find me from wherever you are so easily, as if just a thought can spread wings and find it's way through the darkness to land its whisper in my ear,,,, I hear you. I know you are there and just within my reach and yet, it's as if we are separated by an ocean of dark nothingness.
This thick summer air in all its heaviness takes it toll on me more and more with each sunset. Quietly I retire to slumber while my blood achingly pulsates throughout my entirety with the raging desire to throw back the window and submit,,, submit it says deep beneath my skin where only I can hear. The sweat on my skin, the sleepless toss and turn of torment, suddenly jumping awake to realize I drifted off again,,, to you... and it was just another dream that leaves me soaking wet with the slightest scent of you somehow still lingering from all that time ago when you touched me,,, kissed me,,, held me,,, bled me,,,, and all that fell in between that keeps me with you.... forever.

I Always Imagined I'd Be Buried

I always imagined I'd be buried...
With the many admonitions of said priest and his many hallowed requests to protect something which is no longer theirs.. I always wondered why.. Never understood and probably never will.
Last night while I lay with my eyes toward the ceiling as many sleepless nights that have passed, I recalled that feeling when remembering our journey into immortal nothingness that encompassed all that was chaos and the ever so contradictory peace that followed. I found myself remembering the feel of velvet linings of that dark wood which promised such sheltered sleep filled eternities together.
I have not forgotten it seems. Closing my eyes and picturing the candle lit chamber, I can almost smell the scents of gardenias and roses outside of my imaginary window. Heavy heat from the flames thicken the air falling silent on our sweat covered skin, I felt that sharp rapture again in the curve of my neck, on the bend of my wrist and again, on the soft silkiness of my thighs. Deep and red, spilling over into a dream of being buried together against the soft satin underpinnings of my conodrum I remember the soft feel of the shiny fabric against the cool hardness of jagged stone...
Opening my eyes to the sounds of mechanical mechanisms still so alien to my senses along with the eye prodding glow of iridescent light... I remember... I always imagined I'd be buried.
I roll over in a fetal position and wonder how it has come to me to be so lost and so unseen when I remember being so alive with you.

An Exchange of Bites

Charcoal clouds against a midnight sky,
The moon is full upon my eye,
Did you think you would ever die?
To beneath the earth at last to lie?
The smell of blood between my thighs,
Amongst the growling I hear your cries,
My untamed lover of the night.
A kiss, a sweet exchange of bites.
I hear your moaning pleasured sighs,
Your breath upon my skin so white,
Blood stained skin, a silent cry.
Bittersweet nectar mixed with wine,
Tonight at last I know you're mine.
Our hearts, our love, our souls entwined,
All in one eternal flight,
Just one moment, of forever's night,
Stay with me, my shining Knight,
My Dark Angel who gives me wings to fly,
And death will not pass us by. 

Ssshhhh

Dark of night your eyes are piercing me,
My heart pounds so loud from fear I can hear it's beat.
Ssshhhh,,,
Silence, I pray you will not move and leave me alone for the rest of this night.
Marching footsteps of a thousand men,
A warriors chant echoes through the mountain side.
The heavy breath of nights solitude sends a shiver across my spine.
Knowing only moments until the firey torment of the daylight consumes my enitity.
I dare not close my eyes in fear I will sleep,
Yet my dreams beckon me to find peace.
The Wizard calls for me to rest,
But even the serentity of a witches song can not settle the unrest that stirs in my heart tonight.
I see her blade shining in the moonlight,
Seeking it's blood to be fullfilled.
My eyes close and for one moment and I am transported back to the familiarality of the castle.
The scents of candles and rock, a musty comfort fills me.
I forget this horrible place and remember the carved wooden furniture in my room.
The smell of maple.. the feel of stone beneath my feet...
Did I ever leave?
A crystal ball.. a pearl misty blue, transparent almost, sitting in the corner.
His face almost as transparent staring at me from the shadows, blending into the darkness.
Where did she go?
What of my fortune telling gypsy whom comforts this havock I seemingly fix myself upon?
Has she abandoned me as well?
Cool damp grass beneath me feet, my room just another memory.
The Witch's circle fades away from me and I am lost to them.
Daybreak,,,
I see it over the horizon making it's pink and orange announcements.
If I run fast enough perhaps I may escape it for a time.
Sshhhh,,,
Quietly move between fear driven breaths that fill the air so recognizably.
All seems impossible to me in this instance.
I feel lost.
Lost from safety of the Witch's Circle,
From the protection of the Wizards hat,
From the knowledge of the crystal ball,
From the comfort of the Gypsy's Fortune,
Lost from the Immortal kiss of his lips which has forgotten me.
Forgotten...
What a heart wrenching recognition...
Sshhhh,,,
They are coming,,,
Your stare doesn't falter, nor does your expression slighten..
What is it you are thinking of?
Here in darkness, with dawn's determined acknowledment,,,
What is you see that breaks not your gaze?
Do you not see the fate we have encountered this night?
All that is in me is fear,
Yet you sit unaffected, unmoved by the despair of our situation.
Sshhhhh,,
Did you hear it?

Storm

Here it is the midnight hour,
On the dark night of the soul.
And the storm rages.
Growing stronger and more powerful,
As I grow weaker and without.
The wind turns the pages.
The book I read,
Alone in bed,
I held my head,
Wished I were dead.
A memory of together...
A laugh, a smile, a joking remark,
Your hands upon me strong,
The scent of skin, a happy day,
To know what it felt like... "together".
.. I hear the storm rage on. 

SIlver Links

Silver Links between my teeth...
An all too familiar taste on my tongue unwantingly violtating my senses... again..
But I love it so don't I?
Metal clanking upon my teeth... the cool harshness upon my lips...
A bad thing followed by a good feeling...
Contradicting... a contradiction...
Silver links between my teeth..
Blood on my lips..
Violations of my mind and senses...
Desicration of my heart...
Silver links between my teeth...

Shattered Pieces

Shattered pieces... shuffling through what used to be.
It's me,,, I think,,, at least there is something that reminds me of me,,, but not me.
a reflection... a portrait of happiness, scattered upon the dirt, barely recognizable, but remembered.
I want so to pick up a piece,,, why I don't know.. to keep a piece of myself perhaps... or maybe to slit my wrist with it, and end this journey that has took a turn toward misery.
Sacrifice... loosing everything you ever wanted, to have what you wanted, but now your not sure what you want. Twisted Irony...
That fate would throw me into the arms of someone and then not let us be together... fate's sick dementia... to hurt us?
Or was it me? I think so...
It is me who's mind is so twisted...
I don't know.. anything.
So beautiful you sit in front of me,,, everything I want, but I can't have, so I let you go.
Walking away my soul ripped apart knowing that one day you will have all that I wanted to have with you.
But some part of me is happy that you will be happy.
And I wake myself up from the dream of you. And return to reallity. 

Forget Each Word

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.        

Scent

Torture,,, why do I tortue myself so?
For those few brief moments to free myself,
Dancing in that familiar scent once again,
Only to have it stolen from me as quickly as I found it.
Breathe it in so deeply and let it catch me,
I want it to catch me, to remind me time and time again,
Over and over through out the day,
Remind me of that scent, of that taste, of skin, and that deep kiss that consumes my thoughts.
I've never seen you look as beautiful as you did that morning... why?
I've never recalled that scent of you so obsessively through the day, yet I remembered every time it caught me the moment I found it again... I remembered.
And no matter how long you take it from me,,, I never forget...
Sitting here right now,,, I smell you...

Bloody Winter

In the winter cold and quiet,
Snow seems an inescapable white.
Comforting that uncomfortable turn,
To dismiss that unsudden chance return.
Red on crystal clear sheer flakes,
To weigh it down with big mistakes.
Left alone to soak it in,
Yet know it's just another sin.
Touch of hands warm on my breasts,
Bloody hands that held me best.
That bloody taste I did not know,
That melted with the last nights snow.
Still on my lips so fresh and real,
And all the life I longed to steal.
Hold my heart and watch it bleed,
And write what words you wish to read.
Upon the sand that wasted time,
In wishing that you would be mine.
Hope it rains to make you fall,
Upon me with that raining wall.
And wash away the blood I need,
Which hold your wrists that will not bleed.

Picture

An ordinary thing to sit on a shelf,
Quite common and familiar.
Explainable in a thousand different ways,
Yet each way is so much similar.
Watching me watching you,
Reminding me of a cool crisp breeze.
Suddenly I feel myself standing there,
Hearing the wind as it blows the leaves.
Sweaty palms beneath a general pocket,
I had forgotten about the sweet cold.
I can smell Winter draw near then leave,
And I missed the picture of the snow.
For snow it did and covered me,
Then melted with the spring.
While blooming daizies filled the field,
The birds began to sing.
I forgot the picture of the Spring,
And passed it by before aware.
Then watch it fall off to the floor,
And left a place so bare.
Reading my mind, digging in my thoughts,
As you so expectingly see me.
See me for me, am I all that you need?
Then spring has passed me so suddenly.
And so comes the heat, that passionate beat,
Drumming between our acceptance.
My legs spread, tracing deep creavaces,
Leaving my skin with your essence.
Lay your head down to hear that soft sound,
Echoing that song in a murmer.
And so how it seems, to fly in the dream,
And I lost that picture of summer
Now a circle is made, and Autumn may live,
And cover the frame with it's memory.
Remembering detail, etching in my brain.
And I lost that picture of me.

Baby

"Are You My Baby?" I asked of he,
Then he replied in a voice so sweet,
"I'm your Baby," was what he said,
And held me tight there in his bed.
His arms around me warm and strong,
I breathed him in, and held it long.
Then felt the safety in his heart,
And knew with me he would not part.
But grow in him from now and on,
This love that we had come upon.
Then take me there to further then,
Beyond the life I've found with him,
And treasure each and every touch,
I knew it in my heart so much.
"Are you my Baby?" He asked I,
And quickly did I so reply,
"I am you Baby." that he would know,
My heart did oh so love him so,
And know that I could not withstand,
To walk this path without his hand,
And know that I would surely die,
Without that love within his eye.
Yet I know I now must fall awake,
And keep my mind from that mistake,
For no good dreams will find me sleep,
And all that I do long to keep.
That haunting touch, that place I find,
Within those eyes that read my mind.
That place in which I found was me,
And found that lost eternity.
Hold on to that last part of I,
Before I slip away and die,
For darkness comes so quietly,
To take the breath you gave me breathe.
It seems the ghost has so consumed,
And left the safety of the tomb,
To haunt me now and fill my mind,
With what I thought of once as mine,
Torture me with dreams of us,
And how I did so love so much.
To search within those open eyes,
To see that soul in those blue skies,
And feel that rain upon my skin,
To catch it up and hold it in.
So hold me close, into your heart,
Protect me from that quiet dark.
For close behind it follows me,
And waits for me to fall asleep.
"Are you my Baby?" I must hear,
And know that you are somewhere near.

Pretty Head

Darkness makes way for the sillouette of moonlight,
Fingers smooth across the fabric searching and finding a place to hold on tight.
The sounds of pleasure filling the dark, emphasized by the contours of your shoulders above me.
And all I want right now is this extacy.
Dancing that dance, swaying with sway, slow motion it seems as I touch your sweet face.
Skin on skin, to feel you within, something so holy that feels like a sin.
Beautiful the dance that is of true love, and oh how it quickens me to feel love and lust.
Sweet and mean, dirty and clean, the kiss that you have for that pulsating stream.
Sensual kisses that drive me so mad, what is it you do, that makes me so bad?
Your pretty head, here in my bed, until finally it seems at last I am dead.
Hold me close, my lonely lost soul, and I'll only pray you never let go.        

What Would You Dream

What would you say, to pray, if you stay,
To walk along the mornings bay,
The water cool, the fish would say,
To catch that catch for any day.
What would you hear to feel your ear,
To understand all that which is dear,
And wish that you had held so near,
But left your love, because of fear.
What would you love, to love so much,
To know that darkness cannot touch,
But give your love it's dying watch,
And watch it tick away, decay, shut the latch.
What would you dream, to dream if you sleep,
To sleep the night away so peacefully,
And know that love still rests with thee,
Just beside you in your sleep, tonight and for eternity.        

Forget

Changing faces in those spaces,
I grow to know the feel of fear.
Yet I am not scared of you,
I am terrified of you,
And that inescapable loneliness.
Can I find that place to hide,
Is it there or else somewhere,
Somewhere else that ends nowhere.
Some place that can replace,
That dark hole of being alone.
Yet hope spins slowly reminding me
That it exists, that it waits.
My mind drifting to those arms,
Wrapping me up into safety,
Reminding me of the memory,
Begging me not to forget...
To never forget....
And I struggle to recall it all,
Every detail of your face,
And every warm embrace,
Everytime you said my name,
And everytime our love we made.
Etch it deeply in my brain,
And that memory I shall retain,
Oh how I will miss you tonight,
And miss the way you hold me tight.
As I lay in bed and think of it,
Still scared I might somehow forget.
Forget those eyes that saw through me,
Forget those lips I kissed so deep.

Your Head

Reminisce, I have all night,
Of how your head, I held so tight,
Between my legs, your gentle kiss,
Your tongue so warm upon my clit.
My fingers in your hair I ran,
As you licked until I could not stand,
My legs spread wide, for you to taste,
The wetness that my pussy makes.
Shivering, shaking, I came undone,
Upon your face so hard I'd come.
And spill myself upon your chin,
And yet you'd lick it still again.
Then bring your lips to me so wet,
I'd taste myself as our kisses met.
All night these thoughts I see in bed,
And touch myself as I miss your head. 

Wheel

The wheel turns in my brain,
Spinning that ever so twisted wire,
Pretending itself to be sane,
Convincing me I'm no liar.
And all the words that spill within,
Come out and seek solitude,
And creep, and crawl, fly, or swim,
Depending on the birthing mood.
Rat a tat, dang a lang,
I heard the chiming bell again,
Awaken, see, it's here so plain,
Why is that you restrain?        

Blue Eyes

In your eyes so bright and blue,
I thought I saw, a glimpse of you,
Of you and I, and something true,
To hold us close and bring us through.
And I longed to gaze into that stare,
To see that I was truly there,
With you, in you, of you, I dare,
To hope that I am still somewhere.
Behind those so deep and dark I go,
To find myself somewhere I know,
To see that you still love me so,
And that you still hold onto hope.
Darkness though has found me still,
But save me again, I know you will,
Just as you do so much with skill,
You know just how it is I feel.
No matter how I run or dare,
To hide myself from your deep stare,
I find I am still always there,
And find myself so unaware.
But why it is you see so clear,
That what is me and all I fear,
I do not know, and sometimes fear,
Just how you see and love so dear,
That which is me, so out of place,
From what you would so wish to face,
From that which you so dearly taste,
And I feel that I am just a waste.
For what do I have to give to you,
But all that which I hold onto,
And wish to be with you so true,
And selfishly I know I do.
Hold onto all you are to me,
And hope that sometime soon you'll see,
With me is all you'll want to be,
And live and love so peacefully.
So childish I am so full of dreams,
And long to be that story theme,
And have you all only to me,
And me to you, I wish to be.
But cut the skin that holds the breath,
That holds my such undying death,
That peirces deep and fills my chest,
And tells me we will find our rest.

Slipping Away

Every day it slips away,
Further and further from mine,
Closer and closer to a memory.
But if it were mine then it would be,
...and I wanted it to be...
Yet it never was.
That heart sinking reallity
That your fate was not mine,
That you wanted something more
Or something less however
The scales of time weigh.
It's was my fault..
My carelessness....
...not paying attention...
Until suddenly,,, the screech
Of tires on pavement,
The clash of metal, and a scream,
and my heart stops
As I recognize the blood on the glass.
What have I done?
I'm not supposed to even be here,
I had no place.
... I have no place...        

Love

I curse you delicate rose,
How is it that you bloom so,
So sweet the scent and deep the red,
When all that is within you dead,
As you pricked the prick that never bled,
Your roots grew deep beneath the earth,
And dug the grave that then gave birth,
To the immortal bleeding seed,
That you did so much wish to be,
Then sucked the life out of your love,
As a single day was not enough,
So your love it seems could not be swayed,
And the petals will so fall away,
Then free your sin that you may die,
And shed that blooming petal lie.

Disconnected

Heat courses through my skin,
And the blade becomes hot.
And while I bled upon the floor,
Bleeding I was not.
Yet red is red either way it flows,
I did not cut myself I know.
So while the dripping cursed my viens,
I wished to bleed against the grain...
And bleed and bleed although it stopped,
To catch it's breath and gently mop,
Itself up from the cold hard ground,
I decide to loose myself there down,
And throw myself into it's spill,
To find out where and if it will,
Keep me there away from him,
Or send me home to dive and swim,
Into the pool so bitter dark,
And drink it up yet leave it's mark,
To scar my skin reminding me,
Of how I wished to with him be.
But pull me out and sink it's teeth,
Into the full breast beneath,
The silky white yet lifeless skin,
And fill the blood from out within,
To make me see that writhing red,
And disconnect me from the dead,
That I may miss his warming kiss,
Into the cold and lonely bliss.        

Bloody Dreams

In my dreams,
I saw your face,
And as my lips,
Began to taste,
The blood that ran,
From your slit wrist,
I sucked you in,
And held your kiss,
Until my soul,
Was full with life,
I held your vein,
Beneath my knife.
I drank and drank,
That scent so sweet,
Then cleaned you up,
So nice and neat,
Then put you back,
Inside your cell,
Buried you deep,
Inside your hell,
And as I walk,
Away from you,
I know you'll wish,
Me back too soon,
So I will sleep,
Since I have fed,
And dream once more,
Amongst the dead.        

This End

The heat and sun that took my breath,
Has left me here, now, so near my death,
And as I rot upon this sand,
My mind returns to that pure land,
So green, so clear, so full of life,
And how I wished to be a wife,
To love and grow within those trees,
And dream of things that seemed so sweet.
My hands now hot in the crusty ground,
Ran upon your skin once, with that sound,
That sound of love, of peace, of fate,
But now, fate seems, has closed that gate,
And banished me to this place so hot,
To this place in which I am now forgot,
I fell lost, alone, and worth no one,
But my heart still hopes that he will come,
And this end will not end, but pass me by,
That this not be the way I die,
But all I see, disheartens me,
And oh how I wish, once more, to bleed.        

Here I Am

"Here I am" said Sam, "In all my darkness understand,
That I am still only a man, and sometimes hard to comprehend."
And walked away so miserably, To see if I would follow he, into the darkness quietly, because he knew I longed to bleed.
And though I may seem morbid still, I long to smell that living thrill, of life and love, that poisoned pill, to bring me hope only to kill.
And bury me beneath the tree, so Sam can find me finally, to dig me up and set me free, to wander there so aimlessly.
"Here I am" said I to Sam, "In all your darkness understand, that you are still only a man, and cannot seem to comprehend."
And walked away resentfully, to see if he would follow me, into this darkness he can't be, and yet he bled so beautifully.        

My Love in Darknes

I saw you in the morning light,
As I held on to the passing night,
To breathe in deep, that scent, of you,
Then watch you leave me, as the moon.
So as the sun light touched the ground,
I searched to hear that silent sound,
But darkness shall not find me here,
Without your love, so close and near.
Thus when the night can find its way,
To chase away those sun lit rays,
Then darkness shall, this heart, so touch,
Within those arms I love so much.
For my love in darkness, comes with you,
And twighlight does so take you soon,
Away from me into the light,
But bring you back upon the night.        

Secret Dream

I would like to fall asleep and dream, to let my mind wander to that place we met.
Do you remember that place?
If I dream of the forrest with the berries red, would you meet me there?
And this time if I ask you to swim in the water dark, would you mind getting wet?
Or if I would wage a war against the world, would you sit by my side and watch the destruction happily?
If I fall asleep alone, would you know to fall asleep as well? Would you know the time? Could you find me?
Would you search for me in a dream in time,
If seven with eight did rhyme, and know that nine was much too late, so eight could not compensate?
Would you search me out instead, and find me dreaming in my bed, as gently the story fills my head, although the story is not read?
Can you find my secret in this dream, and find me in that place between, between the forrest and the plain, and meet me there one time again?        

Last Thread

Hanging there in the darkness,
Suspended between nothing,
Tying all that means everything,
And oh how it hurts me so,
This metal blade so cold,
Must cut this string into,
And all I knew of you.
The taste of blood so sweet,
Only now, it makes me weep,
To see our love in death,
When as I held my breath,
I thought we'd die as one,
When immortal we'd become.
But now I sign in red,
With the blood my love has shed,
And sad it is to know,
In reading your last note,
That as to me you wrote,
The last time this you signed,
Your name that with mine rhymed,
Was in fact to forge to die,
And bury our loving lie.        

At Last

At last, I have reached the end.
And as I stand on the edge of the cliff,
Starring into the emptiness and darkness,
I ask myself,
Why did I come here?
Finally I have sickened myself,
I have thrown myself into the darkest corner of oblivion.
And for what?
I can jump, and end it all, loosing myself to madness,
Happily insane to the notion of insanity.
Or I can turn back to the lonely empty hole that I crept from.
At least to jump leaves uncertainty.
But to turn back, I know the cold lonesome fate that awaits my arrival.
The wind in my hair, I catch the scent of a memory.
A memory of blood,
And I smell it deep and hypnotizing.
At last, I am still alone.
Wither I jump or sustain, I am alone.
All is quiet but for the echoes chanting from the dark abyss.
Beckoning me to join the monotone enchantaions.
At last...
I am still alone.        

Seven Days

Seven Days until the day,
That day of days to bring dismay,
So soon shall come and pass away,
And I shall cry for it to stay,
Then patiently I'll sit and wait,
For the circle it shall sometime make,
And pass me by until I shake,
To reallize it was all so fake,
And sit and dread the day to fade,
When I wish that it was never made,
And hate that he could not have stayed,
And why it can't be mine I prayed,
When after love was left and weighed,
I still the price would have somehow paid,
And curse the thought of how I laid,
To allow this precious day to waste.        

Counting

Infatuation of the idealation,
I can still smell that sweet scent.
The silver taste so fresh,
As if the metal lay tightly between my teeth.
The salty taste of sweat,
Droplets falling burning my eyes,
And I love it.
I feel the blood run across my skin,
I smell the perfume of it's existence.
And I love it.
It's getting closer...
Tick, Tick, Tock, goes the clock,
And the days fall to the ground,
Bringing me down..
Far from that place I called Heaven.
And I prepare myself to die again.
And wonder does it ever end.
... and it's raining...         

Transformation

Transformation: Meaning-The need to allow something to die in order to create room for the new. Painful Change that is necessary. Creating Life out of Death.

There you were suddenly today.
Lying in front of me amongst the others,
Seemingly similar but definately different.
Calling out to me...
Drawn delicately with your wavy brunette hair,
What is it you wish for me to see?
Transformation...
And what if I do not wish to let it die?
What if I would wish it to live and grow and be remembered....
To not suffer the painful change you bring to my door.
I will shuffle you back together and pretend you did not exist.
I will cover you with books and letters,
With music, laughter, and pretend smiles.
I will forget you with drawn out memories.
Hide you in a drawer for safe keeping if need be.
And tomorrow everything will remain.
So that I may be safe within my denial,
Returning to watch the clock count nothing.
I will be happy.

Trinket

Swallow me moon,
Into the night,
The trinket strown,
I once held tight,
A jaded piece,
Upon my breast,
To smell at least,
With all my breath,
Into myself,
That scent of you,
Hear you tell,
Of love so true,
Chest to head,
Behind the dark,
I once bled,
And heard your heart.        

Middle of Everything

Which way do I go, I am all alone, the shadows whispering lies of idiocrisy.
Confusion, Delusions, renderings of a temporary eternity seems my destiny.
A car crash, a bag of trash, backroad ramblings of homicidal tendancies.
A bleeding touch, bleeds not too much, loosing the grasp on what's called sanity.
Philosophy, an exaggerated idea, in the exaggerated mind of a species.
An unknown parasite sucking the life of something that's already diseased..
Footsteps, handprints, a blood stained grass patch, my safely hid memories.
Here nor there everywhere and nowhere, the master of invisibility.
A henchmans noose, children of mother goose, missing parts of a fantasy.
The King has his Queen the Queen has her frog, the Dragon still must feast.
A Vampires Bite, a Werewolves night, come together to kill the Beast.

Safe House

Coldness entraps my ears
To silence of the safehouse.
Quietly rocking to the humming,
Humming that song of the broken heart.
So how do you protect
What has already been broken ?
And how do you keep that which
Has already been stolen?
And which way to find
That which is lost?
Alone in the quiet
Safe from the outside intrusion,
Safe from all that can harm,
Secretly listening for that knock,,,
That knock that you so dread and so long for.

Hot Water

A simple gesture,
Gliding the sharp instrument across your skin.
Your hand guiding mine,
Instructing me,
As an artist teaches his apprentice.
Varied brush strokes...
Trusting me with the razor sharp tool upon your neck.
Hot water...
... I remember....
Daydreaming in the steam.
My mind wonders to the color red
And the force of the blade into your flesh.
... back to reallity...
and wet skin...
I run my fingers across your warm wet skin,
To make sure I haven't missed a spot.
My mouth waters at the memory of the taste of your blood.
I can almost smell it....
And I cannot resist the urge to place a kiss upon you. 

Mental Masturbation

Mental masturbation and emotional ejaculation,
The warm fluid silky smooth.
Caressing the deepest follicles of my sanity,
Tantallizing the hardened membrane of my brain.
Softly rolling off your tongue,
Those sensual words of word.
Sending my thoughts and ideologies
Into full spasms of exctacy.
Collapsing into a state of morbid rest,
Content and satisfied in my mental orgasms,
I sleep. 

Emily's Ghost

In a stiffened state of morbid bliss,
I felt your cold immortal kiss,
Across the years and from the grave,
Your tales of death, my heart did sway.
A written clue as to who was you,
And how I felt as though I knew.
Indeed you knew that I would come,
And left your words from the beyond,
To be your voice, that all would hear,
Your singing soul, which sings so dear.
Oh, how I wish that I could kiss
Those hands in all their perfectness,
Which spilt those words which touch my heart,
And rendered this immortal art.
So in my dreams I hear you sing,
Of death, of life,,, of loving things.
Until reluctantly awoke,
And so of your words, I then wrote,
Of how your life has touched my soul,
And of the words that your ghost spoke. 

Last Poetic Kiss

Enchanting verb upon lips,
Can kill you with a single kiss...
Or give you life if that's her choice,
Her beautiful poetic voice.
Calming, soothing or a gasp,
Depending how you cross her path.
A bewitching spell to reel you in,
And keep you coming back again.
And when you leave you will admit,
You need that last poetic kiss....

Haunting Regret

I saw him in a moment.
Enchanting dark eyes,
With his innocent smile.
And his soul spoke to me...
Through his deep eyes,
An expression beckoned me...
"Save Me"...
And that evil voice within my ear,
Spoke so clear...
"Take Him"...
...And I wanted to...
To take him and have him,
To the point of obsession.
I wanted this dark prince,
To call him my own,
For all to have known.
Knowing full well of my dark intent.
Guilt and pain full in my chest.
Agony and grief,,,
I don't want to lose him.
I wish to love him completely,
Yet I turn away,
That he would be saved.
Guilt swallows me up,
Deep into that deep sea of regret.
I have become evil.
I have wronged him.
I have wronged her.
And I have wronged the helpless,
The innocent bystanders unaware.
Unaware that evil has touched their life.
But soon they will,,,
And I shall be revealed.
Seen for the loathsome creature
That I am.
And perhaps I shall feel peace.
Peace in that I am seen,
The vile corupt being that I am,
No longer able to hide,
No longer able to hurt anyone.
But until then, 
I shall remain haunted by my regret.

Non Existent

I know he's there, waiting for me.
Just as he has always been.
Watching me from a distance,
Evaluating me until he decides to take me.
Laughing that deep chaotic laugh,
As he finds humor in the things I find important.
Trivial things to him, that are only a temporary
Amusement, but life to me.
A game piece I have become.
Entertaining and disposable.
And it sickens and angers me altogether,
That I have become so insignificant so suddenly.
But I am...
And the day will come that I am of no use any longer.
The day will come that he has tired from his preoccupation with me, and I am dismissed into darkness.
Along with the others.
Into eternity and nothingness.
Waiting my turn here, knowing that each day
Is just one more day closer to the end,
And all that has led up to this point in my life,
Means absolutely nothing.
My memories, my love, my passions, my thoughts, all of my theologies and observations on this life will pass into darkness with me, becoming nothing.
Nonexitent...
I will be nonexistent..
But he will continue his infatuations elsewhere and always remain...
...To play the game. 

The Sacrifice

I have spent what seems like an Eternity,
Waiting to be found.
In a single instant, I am lost again.
Loosing myself so that I may be found.
The blade is hot, yet it sooths not my wounds.
Taking the knife to carve a perfect heart shape
Upon my chest.
The metal feels soothing to the pain.
The bloodloss brings relief.
Taking the bloody organ that pumps full with the life,
That I have grown so to hate.
With the hot blade, I divide it into two,
And watch the warm red liquid flow out into the cold,
Freezing and turning black,
Until the ice has covered the entire sacrifice,
Breaking and shattering into a million tiny ashy particles.
Pain and agony cover me,
And I die.
Falling into a dream.
The stiff organ between my legs.
Skin on skin.
Sweat and muffled noises.
I see us...
It's me,,, or it was me,,, when I was me.
Lips pressed against lips.
I can remember breathing you in.
I am drifting away now,
Falling even deeper into death,
Roses, candles, graveyards, and laughter,
Your reflection in my reflection,
Destracts my attention and I feel alive again.
Falling further into death,
Smiles, blood, touches, your hand in mine,
I lie with you doing nothing in perfect happiness,
Your arms feel as my arms,
And for the first time in forever I feel safe again.
Falling deeper into death.
All is darkness,,,
Quiet,,, Cold...
I wish I could put the two pieces back again.
To feel the warmth again...
... and I fall....

Church Bell

The Church Bell echoes in the distance,,, with each toll I feel that underlying message as the blood rushes from my heart leaving me witha cold sense of fear...
Hell is coming...
Another reminder that I walk around knowing that Death waits just around the corner of a turn I'm soon to make.

Blank Paper

Blank paper,,,
Invisible ink leaves a blood stained trail,
... eyes always watching me,
I know you're there,,,
Probing my thoughts, reading my secrets.
Finding the hidden message,
Which lies between the lines of lies.
Writing, writing, I write and write
Filling page after page,
Notebook upon notebook,
With inkless writings of nothing about everything,
Everything about nothing,
Nothing about something,,,
Something I need to say, but refuse.
Page after page, I write,
I write and you read,,,
Monotonous repetition of my condition.
I will hide it deeper,
So far inside the book,
That you will never find it ... me...
Deeper, deeper, so deep it seems
The page is blank.
The first word seems to be the last
And the last, the first, of nothing.
It's not a riddle nor a puzzle to solve.
Just a word between words
That you should not involve.
A gate just ahead,
Seems a quick escape before I'm discovered,
Running through these words,
Spilling ink and blood on the ground,,,
It's getting dark...
... I know you are here...
Your eyes pierce through me,
I feel them watching me.
Seeing me,,, here in darkness.
The gate seems an eternity away,
And will I pass the Keepers test?

Freedom from this dark place? 

Obsession

I just want you utterly and completely.
To be a part of you.
To become nonexistent as if I was but am no more, but as something else... something more.
I feel as if every breath I breathe is because of you. Almost as you are that energy which gives me the strength to take it. So that in a sense, you, are that which is, and causes life for me.
To be encompassed, obessessed, consumed, and enthralled. To lie in your blood and soak every drop of its red splendor into myself and become you, or vice versa. I would so as much love to slit my wrists and have you take me into you, so that I should become you.
I am captivated, mezmerized, intrigued, and infatuated with your every detail. I smell you and I breath you in and hold that scent so that I may never know any other scent. I see you, and I find your image etched inside my mind so that when I close my eyes, you are all I see.
I look into your eyes, and I become bewitched so that I am tormented in their absence and seek helplessly for the comfort that I find in them.
I feel you, and form an addiction to your touch that without I suffer and withdraw to the point I feel I might be dying.
I love you, to the point I would live a loveless life if not a loving life in your arms. A love that would be better to be alone and in love with a memory as to be with another and longing for that which I have not. I love you entirely and all I want is to be with you and to be as obessessed with you as I can be, for as long as forever will see it. 

The Moon

The moon in all it's brightness tonight cast that ever so dark light upon my soul, a feeling of falling. To be enough? To meet the expectations of the world and all that seem to find me shortcoming and insufficient.
I curse the moon and the day I found a dream in it. I would wish it to explode and fall into us destroying all that it brings it's lying promise to. The hope of the hopeless. The dream of those who sleep not. The breath of those who are buried.
The ever so gut wrenching truth that seems to stab me in the heart over and over after convincing myself otherwise stabs me again... I'm not good enough. A personal attack upon my person.
Will I ever be,,, for anyone? It's very doubtful. I should just accept the defeat and deminish into the shadow away from the moon rays and accept that almost etched in stone reallity that I am only common and unworthy. Instead I convince myself that I am special and beautiful, lying to myself in hopes that perhaps I am found worthy to bask in moonlight with the holy. Yet I stick out like a sore thumb, an ugly blemish on a world of beautiful women.
No more... I accept what and who I am. 

Melancholy

Forgive me my meloncholy, love, but I am lost yet again in another rainy day. I am enchanted with heaven's water fall, and so for a time shall I stay. Bewitched with this dance so that all that is in existence from me could pass away. But soon I shall return, for soon this dance will end, then to lifes bed I will again lay. And dream of rain and thunderstorms to come, and for their comfort pray.

Ash Hopper

It's an enchanting thing to bask in moonlight.
The nights when it shines so bright
That you can see everything
In that spellbinding glow.
To dance beneath the trees,
In and out of shadows
Disappearing into darkness
Then emerging again to rejoin the stars.
The grass beneath my feet
Watching the gentle breeze
In the willow as the moon
Breaks free and is seemingly
Only just beyond its swaying branches.
Almost close enough to touch.
The air filled with scents of autum,
And in the midnight whispers
Of chirping crickets and singing tree frogs.
It feels almost like a sheltered captivity
Comforting and protecting in the silence
Away from all mortal invasion...
And yet with a distinct awarness of discovery,,,
I am here...

A Literal Offense

Letter by letter, word by word, line by line, Until my inner self is spilt within these pages. ... and you mock me... This is me, here and now, a part of me, In each and every drop of this ink, .... and you belittle it... My feeling, my fear, my thoughts, Dreams, ambition, desires, all that is me, ... and you degrade it with iinsult... Perhaps in your mind poetry has messed me up. Perhaps I do live in lines of a poem. But I disagree... In my mind it is the poem that lives with me, I give it life and freedom with release, How dare you mock me... You do not have to accept me, It suffers me in the least. I would only hope to be seen for that which I am, And see you for that which you are. So why do you hide? Hiding away from me, When I am here in full view for you to persecute... Why is it,, that when you look at me,,, you don't look at me... When you look at me, you don't look at me?

A Writers Thoughts on Love

Love... an invention not yet invented yet demonstorized and terrorized by a society full of loveless entrepeneaurs Who are obsessed with it's possession.
"To own that which no one else has." 

Genie in a Bottle

Shadows, shadows on my wall...
I heard that song today,
Messing with my head, invading my mind with your memory.
A wonderful feeling to remember you, but painful enough to not do.
That song captivating me, releasing me from reallity to the place that used to be reallity with you.
The lights low, I feel your hands on my hips, as our bodies move rythmically and so perfectly together.
The music pulsating through the speakers, I look at you and smile and you laugh spinning me around.
I feel your hard chest against my back and now your hands move down my arms, holding my hands for a moment, then onto my waist... all the time moving to the music...
You whisper in my ear... telling me that I smell good...
And I think to myself how wonderful you smell...
I turn around to see your beautiful smile,,, and we take each others hands and continue to dance.
I remembered you holding me and how warm and inviting you were...
I remember your eyes, how they sparkled with life and love...
I remembered your smile, the way I looked for it when I entered the room, and nothing else mattered once I saw your face.
I remembered how crazy I was about you, and how beautiful you were to me.
I thought of you today....
I do often...
Rest in Peace my Beautiful Angel, I will remember you always. 

Mirrored Image

A sarcastic grin upon your lips, Blood upon your hands. Not mine, but mine, I and me, The mirrored image that you see. The hurtless hurt one that you bled, Layed in the dirt and left for dead. I knew you cut me, without the stick, I knew you fucked me, the fuckless dick. And now you kiss the lifeless hand, Thinking that your now a man. Knowing what it is I am, you know what I am not. I was and I can be but I won't, As I did and I should do but I don't, Allow your lying heart to touch,,, This reflection can so suit you much. So bleed and tear, rip and kill, Whatever does your black heart thrill, And I will remain within myself, Protected here upon this shelf. 

Idiots Murmer

A fool am I or should I say, The murmerings of an idiots part to play. Alone in the dark, for all to see, Thus I guess it's blind I be. I thought I was here, but it seems I am there, Yet again in the midst of nowhere. Just another day to be the end, The day that does not yet begin. Who are you there, and for what and why, Keep believing I believe your lies, And keep your expectations of me, The things you know you cannot be. Give and take, take and steal... Something that I thought was real. In the dark, alone and blind,,, But I can hear you in the night- Pretending that pretending lie... And the idiots murmering murmer I... 

I Believe

Searching... such a hopeless feeling to search for something that your not really for sure even exists. A monotonous sense of falling into nothingness.
Faith... is there such a thing, some wonder.. I do sometimes... maybe not if it exists, but what's it's purpose? Perhaps to build our hopes in someone or something only to be disappointed if not destroyed in the end, because we believed so much in something we had no proof of.
Yet we search for things that we have faith exists. Everyday hoping that our beliefs will be validated and what we believed will actually be true all because we have faith that it was so... and to know that we were right all along makes it all the more reason to believe in the things we choose to believe in...
I believe in destiny.. even though I have no proof to validate why I believe in it.. it's just a feeling.
I believe in fate... I believe everyone crosses paths in life for some reason, although it's up to us to not misinterpret the reasons for our coming together. Even though I can't tell you why I believe this,,, I believe it.
I believe in God... that we are all a part of something much more than we can comprehend exists, and that the human mind is capable of so much more than we could ever believe could be possible, because we are all a part of this higher conciousness, but we have yet to discover or "evolve" this higher conciousness.
I believe that life never ends... that we merely move from one state of being to another. That there is a beginning.. that we were all created from somewhere somehow.. and that our energy travels eternally in some form or another. Perhaps more so than we comprehend as well.
I believe in Love... that there is a love that we can all hold in our hearts for our fellow man/woman and love them without judgement or discrimination. I believe that there is a love within us if we choose to just allow ourselves to do so, that we can love everyone as we love ourselves, and accept everyone as we wish to be accepting no matter how hard it is to do.

I believe in you...

Yeah ramblings of a pshychofreakyjasonchick I know. Perhaps more suited for the BitchyWitchy blog as it doesnt seem at all part of my dark side.. but this is where it has landed and so I will keep it here..

Angel

Can I cut you? Was a thought in mind, a frustrated need to taste you, to have you, to feel you, and be you.
The need to release all that burns within me upon your skin, still overtakes me in great force.
My mouth waters, my skin sweats, my clit throbs, my heart beats, my wettness flows at the scent of you, a touch of you, the sight of you, the thought of you.
I close my eyes to dream of you, I open them to look for you, I calm my mind to think on you, you stir my thoughts just in your presence, when I am with you I block out everything else, when we are apart my focus is on the next time I shall be with you.
I consume myself with you, with your smell, your sight, your sound, your feel, every detail of your face, my hand upon it taking you in, running my fingers through your hair, feeling your lips beneath them, breathing you into me as every breath of life you exhale becomes a part of me, your strong shoulders as I rub my hand across them, the warmth of your side and your hip as we lay together looking into one anothers eyes and I explore your breathtakingly captivating features.
The hardness of you I feel against me as we lay closely hugged into one another, and I long to wrap you up and take you into me each and every time. I am warm with thoughts of you, of you and I together. Constantly in my mind, as if I'm obsessed, I am obsessed, and I long to be more so. To have you completely and entirely.
You give me life it seems, it seems you give me many things. You give me love, you give me happiness, you give me passion, desire, peace, tranquility, confidence, support, understanding, longing, hunger, comfort, fear, frustration, satisfaction, so many things you give me,, I believe you actually give me everything that anyone could ever recieve.
With you I am everything, without you I am nothing, with you I am complete, without you I am missing something, with you I am content, without you I am searching, with you I am found, without you I am lost.
I am at one extreme to the other. I am as high as I can be, and as happy as I have ever been, and without you I am fallen as low as possible, and more miserable than I could ever imagine.
With you I am,,, free... with you,,, anything is possible.
You are the most beatuiful thing I have ever known to exist in reallity.
And I am honored, gracious, thankful, and elated that I should have the fortune to experience such happiness in my lifetime, when others are so much less fortunate.
I love you, my Angel.

I Killed Myself Last Night

I killed myself last night.
That part which was most precious to me,
I tore it out and watched it bleed.
Then stole away to darkness.
Dreams haunted me after my self infliction.
I saw him, his eyes peircing through me,
My heart ached and my breath was taken away.
Running away from me when I needed him,
Yet I know that it is I that have fleed.
I woke this morning with an aching like no other.
I felt that part of me missing.
Sickening churning in my soul, I fight the urge to puke.
Guilt...
It tortures me today...
Following me, sticking me, reminding me that I hurt him.
Saddness,,,
I have felt it coming on stronger recently and now here the storm is here full force... yet I put myself there?
Why???
Because I don't want to hurt him..
Why should he suffer with me?
He deserves happiness, success, and love.
What am I?
The sky is covered with a grey veil this morning,
So very suiting to my mood..
Normally a calming to my mind and heart,
But today it is just a reminder of the gloom that hovers over me.
I feel cursed...
I would wish to seek out the witch who cast this curse on me, bleed her wicked heart, then drink that I may be so as she so as to not hurt anymore.
What is wrong with me?
That I would throw away happiness just to save happiness..
Maddness...
I feel it.. creeping slowly into my mind, reaking havock on my thoughts, poisoning my judgement, taking control of me...
Knowing the bad is moving to worse.. why would I put him here?
I do not deserve it... I am nothing...
I do not pity myself.. I hate myself.. the one I used to love lay within my heart, I grew to know her, to understand her, to love her,, myself..
And now such anger and despise I feel toward her...
Last night I wished to die..
To close my eyes and never wake from my sleep...
The thought of my life, and growing old, of knowing what my fate is... I wanted so much just to die...
I feel a curse but know that I have just cursed myself...
Loss,, I felt as if someone had died when I woke..
I felt as if I had died also..
I wish I had... 

Darkness

Why do you abandon me?
Now when I need you?
As usual, all there is to me is light...
I close the doors,
I close the windows,
I close my eyes... I close my mind;
Only to have you blinding me still.
Your wretched shinning raining down on me,,,
Do you not see that I hide?
You force me out of darkness,
A place I find comfort and solitude.
Into the uncomfort and restlessness...
Fucking shinning on me... how dare you!
If I had not sought this shadow I would have left it's wings...
Leave me,,, go now and let me wallow in pity and loneliness.
Let me weep in solitude and nonexistence.
I love it here,, I hate it when you show through the crevasses of my hole in the ground...
Intruding on my solice...
Quieting my silent screams....

So why do I miss you so?
Insanity to love this place, but miss that one..

I heard you knocking this morning...
begging me to rejoin the living.. I heard the knock..
And I did not answer although I loved the mere presence of you outside my hearts door.
Lingering here in the dark,,,
Hiding until you are gone...
I watch you leave... all along.. scared to death this will be the last time you knock at my door...
I curl up and hide again...
Waiting for the next time...
Wondering how long it will be until you knock again...
Or if you will...

The light slowly fades to darkness once more.. and I sleep again... 

Shower

I lay here in this steaming hot water and my mind as always is on you.
Your smile, your eyes, the way you laugh, the way you speak to me, the way you touch me.
Always spinning thinking about every detail of our time together and remembering you from my memory.
I lie flat on the floor of the tub with my ears slightly submersed in the water so that all sound is drowned from my ears, I hear the thunder of the running water beating down into the tub.
I remember us in the shower.
I was lying on the floor of your shower and you were above me, the shower raining down on us was cool because we had run out most of the hot water from our extended bathtime leading to other things.
Your long wet hair around me in that tarzanic style you carry so well.
I was so nervous but it was so invigorating. To have you touching me in places normally only I touch in the sanctity of the shower, in that situation, to be totally nude and exposed to you, I felt... free...
The radio singing a song that I never even paid attention to because all I could see was your blue eyes taking me in and I wanted to take you in so badly... all of you,,, in every way...
I reallize I am very turned on from this sensual memory of you... and I have to touch myself... the beating water echoes in my ears beneath the surface and I pull my legs up to me easing down to where faucet is set allowing the water to beat upon my freshly shaven lips I take my fingers spreading them apart so that my clit recieves the thundering pulse of warmth. I close my eyes..
I can see your eyes gazing at me as you do when you have your tongue on me there. I imagine you are there now...
Your hair resting on my thighs, on my stomach, with my hands and fingers tangled into it length as you kiss and slurp away between my slit
The water is filling in the tub minimizing the intensity of the flow upon my swollen spot and I am frustrated... lifting myself to the faucet it feels almost as if it's actually a head job, however nothing compared to the spit from your mouth and the flick of your tongue against my hardened clit, I am definately in full fantasy of your tongue teasing pleasure. The way you kiss me there soars through my brain as the pounding water is hitting just the right spot and I cum jerkingly into the water...
And I lay here missing you so...

The Wizard

I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy. 

My Friend Darkness

Welcome darkness,,, you may linger for your presence comforts me. I understand you for you are my understanding, and perhaps the only one who understands me. Painted upon the walls of my mind and echoing your hollow melodic chants in the shadows of my heart, I am happy you abide with me in this lonesome realm of no significance. My ever so faithful companion in a world of solitude, do not fear me for I fear you not, nay I fear you not. You are me... a piece of my soul separated somehow from this worthless body which I long to vacate. Somehow you have broken free and linger with me as my dark gardian of protection. My ever so loyal angel of the night who saves me. Yes you save me, everyday you save me from that in which I would become without you... like them. Routinely scurrying about a nonexistent endless day after day ritual of what is called living... an uneventful existence which doesn't really seem like existing at all to me.
The graveyard calls to me tonight... beckoning I hear the telepathic whispering in my mind to come and find peace with you, and I would love to go.
Restlessness in my heart, in my mind... I need your calming hymn of nothingness to soothe me in my weariness. Why do I need you so, as specially tonight? 

In My

I hear you in the shadows
Laughing behind my sight
Making faces in hiding places
In the whispers hints of delight
The sun is shining for once today
I emerge from darkness
Serenity sickening, death seems quickening
Morbid Peacefullness
Seeking solitude of my tomb
I must crawl away
Hide in melancholy, embracing the unholy,
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps...
I must crawl away...

Isolation

Knock Knock, who the fuck is there? Do you not see the sign? Don't you even care? knocking knocking how can you be so rude? Violation of my Isolation caught in the nude. Excuses you can puke on for desecrating my sanctum for the day, why the fuck won't you just GO AWAY!!! Shut the fuck up, I don't care what you need, will you just leave me alone so that I may fucking bleed. Where did the night go? What's up with this sun? Even mother nature seems to have me on the run... Go away daylight, I pray for the moon, I should have been here all along, locked inside this tomb. My time is running out, my isolation is ending, How can I steal more time to complete this comprehending. I want to run away, hide from all who can see, I wish to be invisible, or just not to be me. Darkness Darkness Darkness,,, I do so long, tell me Mr. Clock Maker,,, do you hear my song? Digging Digging Digging,,, I feel the shuffling in my mind, Secret place of solitude no longer mine... stolen, ripped away, opened without keys, do you not reallize who is really me? Keep myself to myself, my thoughts are my own, words are yours if I choose not to be alone, Crawling away hoping you don't follow, will you just go away so that I can fucking wallow? No not you, you not them, them not them, but those, those wretched mortals, who think that they know. Many people in the lines of this crap, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I love you, I need you but I don't, sometimes I just want to be alone. I know you are there I still feel you with me, patiently awaiting the return of my sanity. I wish you could understand how fucked up I am, It's not you it's me, psychobabbling Sam.. all the puzzle peices strown on the ground, do you know they will not be found? Ringing Ringing the phone is ringing in the other room,,, who the fuck is that,,, entering my tomb? Ring mother fucker for all that you can, I will ignore your ringing in this forsaken land... forsaken yes, desperate feeling of old, nothing for you, I have always felt cold. I had a dream last night, of being alone. I'm waiting for a bus that doesn't ever come. I search for a way out, but there is none, I sit there all day tortured by the sun. I don't understand why, when the bus brought me here, I see it on the hill on the horizon, but it doesn't draw near, It's parked and empty the driver is inside, and I cannot get off the hill in which I hide. I see my family,,, I follow them to a building, many rooms inside I know my help lies within, I knock on many doors but no answer or reply, I know you are in there so why do you hide, will you not help me, anyone in here? If I didn't want you, then you would be near. Waiting to assist, longing to comfort me, but in my time of need, you are no where to be. I knock and knock on every door there, yet no one comes to answer my prayer. Back to reallity the phone is ringing again, who the fuck is on the other end? I will never know because I will not pick it up,,, so whoever you are shut the fuck up!  

Who Am I

I walk amongst you everyday
Yet I am no where that you are
I talk to you, I hear you speak,
But your words grace not my heart,
I know your name, I know your face,
I forget you when you are gone,
I see you unrecognizingly pass,
I hear the music I know not the song.
My heart beats the same as yours
Yet my blood is much thicker still,
Giving my all to save what means nothing
I suffer that you may heal...
Suffering crying, painfully aware
Your smiling your laughing your happiness
I'm satisfied to see you so
In all of your thoughtlessness.
Pushed aside forgotten and alone
I hold you up in all your glory
Haunted by nightmares fullfilling your dreams
Happy ending your fairytale story
For all that matters now is you...
You forget who I am as so do I,
Every moment your hate feeds off my love,
Your living each moment I die...
Who Am I? 

Wizard

I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy. 

I Hate This Place

I hate this place, I don't even want to be here.
All the scents of stagnant life
Filling my nose with its dull stinch.
Poisoning every molecule of my being
With it's coroding existence.
Decay all around me...
How can you live like this?
There's no music...
Only the sounds of your pathetic attempts
To pretend you actually enjoy existing.
Where am I anyway...
Please tell me this is not what I was born for...
There must be something more than this.
What a waste...
How can you walk around pretending you're someone
Somewhere that you aren't...
How can you expect to know me when
You don't even know yourself..
God I hate this place..
Everything here is a Lie...
Nothing is for real, not no one, not anything,
Pieces of imagination floating around on imagination,
Endless idiocy repeating the same mummery.
Blind conceptions of what should be a beautiful thing
Twisted, manipulated, purposely beclouded in deceptions,
To be so ordinary, so bland, and without virtue
That you should pass it and not even know it is there.
That you should possess it and not even know it is yours.
That you should deny it and not even know of your misfortune...
I hate this place...