Hot Water

A simple gesture,
Gliding the sharp instrument across your skin.
Your hand guiding mine,
Instructing me,
As an artist teaches his apprentice.
Varied brush strokes...
Trusting me with the razor sharp tool upon your neck.
Hot water...
... I remember....
Daydreaming in the steam.
My mind wonders to the color red
And the force of the blade into your flesh.
... back to reallity...
and wet skin...
I run my fingers across your warm wet skin,
To make sure I haven't missed a spot.
My mouth waters at the memory of the taste of your blood.
I can almost smell it....
And I cannot resist the urge to place a kiss upon you. 

Mental Masturbation

Mental masturbation and emotional ejaculation,
The warm fluid silky smooth.
Caressing the deepest follicles of my sanity,
Tantallizing the hardened membrane of my brain.
Softly rolling off your tongue,
Those sensual words of word.
Sending my thoughts and ideologies
Into full spasms of exctacy.
Collapsing into a state of morbid rest,
Content and satisfied in my mental orgasms,
I sleep. 

Emily's Ghost

In a stiffened state of morbid bliss,
I felt your cold immortal kiss,
Across the years and from the grave,
Your tales of death, my heart did sway.
A written clue as to who was you,
And how I felt as though I knew.
Indeed you knew that I would come,
And left your words from the beyond,
To be your voice, that all would hear,
Your singing soul, which sings so dear.
Oh, how I wish that I could kiss
Those hands in all their perfectness,
Which spilt those words which touch my heart,
And rendered this immortal art.
So in my dreams I hear you sing,
Of death, of life,,, of loving things.
Until reluctantly awoke,
And so of your words, I then wrote,
Of how your life has touched my soul,
And of the words that your ghost spoke. 

Last Poetic Kiss

Enchanting verb upon lips,
Can kill you with a single kiss...
Or give you life if that's her choice,
Her beautiful poetic voice.
Calming, soothing or a gasp,
Depending how you cross her path.
A bewitching spell to reel you in,
And keep you coming back again.
And when you leave you will admit,
You need that last poetic kiss....

Haunting Regret

I saw him in a moment.
Enchanting dark eyes,
With his innocent smile.
And his soul spoke to me...
Through his deep eyes,
An expression beckoned me...
"Save Me"...
And that evil voice within my ear,
Spoke so clear...
"Take Him"...
...And I wanted to...
To take him and have him,
To the point of obsession.
I wanted this dark prince,
To call him my own,
For all to have known.
Knowing full well of my dark intent.
Guilt and pain full in my chest.
Agony and grief,,,
I don't want to lose him.
I wish to love him completely,
Yet I turn away,
That he would be saved.
Guilt swallows me up,
Deep into that deep sea of regret.
I have become evil.
I have wronged him.
I have wronged her.
And I have wronged the helpless,
The innocent bystanders unaware.
Unaware that evil has touched their life.
But soon they will,,,
And I shall be revealed.
Seen for the loathsome creature
That I am.
And perhaps I shall feel peace.
Peace in that I am seen,
The vile corupt being that I am,
No longer able to hide,
No longer able to hurt anyone.
But until then, 
I shall remain haunted by my regret.

Non Existent

I know he's there, waiting for me.
Just as he has always been.
Watching me from a distance,
Evaluating me until he decides to take me.
Laughing that deep chaotic laugh,
As he finds humor in the things I find important.
Trivial things to him, that are only a temporary
Amusement, but life to me.
A game piece I have become.
Entertaining and disposable.
And it sickens and angers me altogether,
That I have become so insignificant so suddenly.
But I am...
And the day will come that I am of no use any longer.
The day will come that he has tired from his preoccupation with me, and I am dismissed into darkness.
Along with the others.
Into eternity and nothingness.
Waiting my turn here, knowing that each day
Is just one more day closer to the end,
And all that has led up to this point in my life,
Means absolutely nothing.
My memories, my love, my passions, my thoughts, all of my theologies and observations on this life will pass into darkness with me, becoming nothing.
Nonexitent...
I will be nonexistent..
But he will continue his infatuations elsewhere and always remain...
...To play the game. 

The Sacrifice

I have spent what seems like an Eternity,
Waiting to be found.
In a single instant, I am lost again.
Loosing myself so that I may be found.
The blade is hot, yet it sooths not my wounds.
Taking the knife to carve a perfect heart shape
Upon my chest.
The metal feels soothing to the pain.
The bloodloss brings relief.
Taking the bloody organ that pumps full with the life,
That I have grown so to hate.
With the hot blade, I divide it into two,
And watch the warm red liquid flow out into the cold,
Freezing and turning black,
Until the ice has covered the entire sacrifice,
Breaking and shattering into a million tiny ashy particles.
Pain and agony cover me,
And I die.
Falling into a dream.
The stiff organ between my legs.
Skin on skin.
Sweat and muffled noises.
I see us...
It's me,,, or it was me,,, when I was me.
Lips pressed against lips.
I can remember breathing you in.
I am drifting away now,
Falling even deeper into death,
Roses, candles, graveyards, and laughter,
Your reflection in my reflection,
Destracts my attention and I feel alive again.
Falling further into death,
Smiles, blood, touches, your hand in mine,
I lie with you doing nothing in perfect happiness,
Your arms feel as my arms,
And for the first time in forever I feel safe again.
Falling deeper into death.
All is darkness,,,
Quiet,,, Cold...
I wish I could put the two pieces back again.
To feel the warmth again...
... and I fall....

Church Bell

The Church Bell echoes in the distance,,, with each toll I feel that underlying message as the blood rushes from my heart leaving me witha cold sense of fear...
Hell is coming...
Another reminder that I walk around knowing that Death waits just around the corner of a turn I'm soon to make.

Blank Paper

Blank paper,,,
Invisible ink leaves a blood stained trail,
... eyes always watching me,
I know you're there,,,
Probing my thoughts, reading my secrets.
Finding the hidden message,
Which lies between the lines of lies.
Writing, writing, I write and write
Filling page after page,
Notebook upon notebook,
With inkless writings of nothing about everything,
Everything about nothing,
Nothing about something,,,
Something I need to say, but refuse.
Page after page, I write,
I write and you read,,,
Monotonous repetition of my condition.
I will hide it deeper,
So far inside the book,
That you will never find it ... me...
Deeper, deeper, so deep it seems
The page is blank.
The first word seems to be the last
And the last, the first, of nothing.
It's not a riddle nor a puzzle to solve.
Just a word between words
That you should not involve.
A gate just ahead,
Seems a quick escape before I'm discovered,
Running through these words,
Spilling ink and blood on the ground,,,
It's getting dark...
... I know you are here...
Your eyes pierce through me,
I feel them watching me.
Seeing me,,, here in darkness.
The gate seems an eternity away,
And will I pass the Keepers test?

Freedom from this dark place? 

Obsession

I just want you utterly and completely.
To be a part of you.
To become nonexistent as if I was but am no more, but as something else... something more.
I feel as if every breath I breathe is because of you. Almost as you are that energy which gives me the strength to take it. So that in a sense, you, are that which is, and causes life for me.
To be encompassed, obessessed, consumed, and enthralled. To lie in your blood and soak every drop of its red splendor into myself and become you, or vice versa. I would so as much love to slit my wrists and have you take me into you, so that I should become you.
I am captivated, mezmerized, intrigued, and infatuated with your every detail. I smell you and I breath you in and hold that scent so that I may never know any other scent. I see you, and I find your image etched inside my mind so that when I close my eyes, you are all I see.
I look into your eyes, and I become bewitched so that I am tormented in their absence and seek helplessly for the comfort that I find in them.
I feel you, and form an addiction to your touch that without I suffer and withdraw to the point I feel I might be dying.
I love you, to the point I would live a loveless life if not a loving life in your arms. A love that would be better to be alone and in love with a memory as to be with another and longing for that which I have not. I love you entirely and all I want is to be with you and to be as obessessed with you as I can be, for as long as forever will see it. 

The Moon

The moon in all it's brightness tonight cast that ever so dark light upon my soul, a feeling of falling. To be enough? To meet the expectations of the world and all that seem to find me shortcoming and insufficient.
I curse the moon and the day I found a dream in it. I would wish it to explode and fall into us destroying all that it brings it's lying promise to. The hope of the hopeless. The dream of those who sleep not. The breath of those who are buried.
The ever so gut wrenching truth that seems to stab me in the heart over and over after convincing myself otherwise stabs me again... I'm not good enough. A personal attack upon my person.
Will I ever be,,, for anyone? It's very doubtful. I should just accept the defeat and deminish into the shadow away from the moon rays and accept that almost etched in stone reallity that I am only common and unworthy. Instead I convince myself that I am special and beautiful, lying to myself in hopes that perhaps I am found worthy to bask in moonlight with the holy. Yet I stick out like a sore thumb, an ugly blemish on a world of beautiful women.
No more... I accept what and who I am. 

Melancholy

Forgive me my meloncholy, love, but I am lost yet again in another rainy day. I am enchanted with heaven's water fall, and so for a time shall I stay. Bewitched with this dance so that all that is in existence from me could pass away. But soon I shall return, for soon this dance will end, then to lifes bed I will again lay. And dream of rain and thunderstorms to come, and for their comfort pray.

Ash Hopper

It's an enchanting thing to bask in moonlight.
The nights when it shines so bright
That you can see everything
In that spellbinding glow.
To dance beneath the trees,
In and out of shadows
Disappearing into darkness
Then emerging again to rejoin the stars.
The grass beneath my feet
Watching the gentle breeze
In the willow as the moon
Breaks free and is seemingly
Only just beyond its swaying branches.
Almost close enough to touch.
The air filled with scents of autum,
And in the midnight whispers
Of chirping crickets and singing tree frogs.
It feels almost like a sheltered captivity
Comforting and protecting in the silence
Away from all mortal invasion...
And yet with a distinct awarness of discovery,,,
I am here...

A Literal Offense

Letter by letter, word by word, line by line, Until my inner self is spilt within these pages. ... and you mock me... This is me, here and now, a part of me, In each and every drop of this ink, .... and you belittle it... My feeling, my fear, my thoughts, Dreams, ambition, desires, all that is me, ... and you degrade it with iinsult... Perhaps in your mind poetry has messed me up. Perhaps I do live in lines of a poem. But I disagree... In my mind it is the poem that lives with me, I give it life and freedom with release, How dare you mock me... You do not have to accept me, It suffers me in the least. I would only hope to be seen for that which I am, And see you for that which you are. So why do you hide? Hiding away from me, When I am here in full view for you to persecute... Why is it,, that when you look at me,,, you don't look at me... When you look at me, you don't look at me?

A Writers Thoughts on Love

Love... an invention not yet invented yet demonstorized and terrorized by a society full of loveless entrepeneaurs Who are obsessed with it's possession.
"To own that which no one else has." 

Genie in a Bottle

Shadows, shadows on my wall...
I heard that song today,
Messing with my head, invading my mind with your memory.
A wonderful feeling to remember you, but painful enough to not do.
That song captivating me, releasing me from reallity to the place that used to be reallity with you.
The lights low, I feel your hands on my hips, as our bodies move rythmically and so perfectly together.
The music pulsating through the speakers, I look at you and smile and you laugh spinning me around.
I feel your hard chest against my back and now your hands move down my arms, holding my hands for a moment, then onto my waist... all the time moving to the music...
You whisper in my ear... telling me that I smell good...
And I think to myself how wonderful you smell...
I turn around to see your beautiful smile,,, and we take each others hands and continue to dance.
I remembered you holding me and how warm and inviting you were...
I remember your eyes, how they sparkled with life and love...
I remembered your smile, the way I looked for it when I entered the room, and nothing else mattered once I saw your face.
I remembered how crazy I was about you, and how beautiful you were to me.
I thought of you today....
I do often...
Rest in Peace my Beautiful Angel, I will remember you always. 

Mirrored Image

A sarcastic grin upon your lips, Blood upon your hands. Not mine, but mine, I and me, The mirrored image that you see. The hurtless hurt one that you bled, Layed in the dirt and left for dead. I knew you cut me, without the stick, I knew you fucked me, the fuckless dick. And now you kiss the lifeless hand, Thinking that your now a man. Knowing what it is I am, you know what I am not. I was and I can be but I won't, As I did and I should do but I don't, Allow your lying heart to touch,,, This reflection can so suit you much. So bleed and tear, rip and kill, Whatever does your black heart thrill, And I will remain within myself, Protected here upon this shelf. 

Idiots Murmer

A fool am I or should I say, The murmerings of an idiots part to play. Alone in the dark, for all to see, Thus I guess it's blind I be. I thought I was here, but it seems I am there, Yet again in the midst of nowhere. Just another day to be the end, The day that does not yet begin. Who are you there, and for what and why, Keep believing I believe your lies, And keep your expectations of me, The things you know you cannot be. Give and take, take and steal... Something that I thought was real. In the dark, alone and blind,,, But I can hear you in the night- Pretending that pretending lie... And the idiots murmering murmer I... 

I Believe

Searching... such a hopeless feeling to search for something that your not really for sure even exists. A monotonous sense of falling into nothingness.
Faith... is there such a thing, some wonder.. I do sometimes... maybe not if it exists, but what's it's purpose? Perhaps to build our hopes in someone or something only to be disappointed if not destroyed in the end, because we believed so much in something we had no proof of.
Yet we search for things that we have faith exists. Everyday hoping that our beliefs will be validated and what we believed will actually be true all because we have faith that it was so... and to know that we were right all along makes it all the more reason to believe in the things we choose to believe in...
I believe in destiny.. even though I have no proof to validate why I believe in it.. it's just a feeling.
I believe in fate... I believe everyone crosses paths in life for some reason, although it's up to us to not misinterpret the reasons for our coming together. Even though I can't tell you why I believe this,,, I believe it.
I believe in God... that we are all a part of something much more than we can comprehend exists, and that the human mind is capable of so much more than we could ever believe could be possible, because we are all a part of this higher conciousness, but we have yet to discover or "evolve" this higher conciousness.
I believe that life never ends... that we merely move from one state of being to another. That there is a beginning.. that we were all created from somewhere somehow.. and that our energy travels eternally in some form or another. Perhaps more so than we comprehend as well.
I believe in Love... that there is a love that we can all hold in our hearts for our fellow man/woman and love them without judgement or discrimination. I believe that there is a love within us if we choose to just allow ourselves to do so, that we can love everyone as we love ourselves, and accept everyone as we wish to be accepting no matter how hard it is to do.

I believe in you...

Yeah ramblings of a pshychofreakyjasonchick I know. Perhaps more suited for the BitchyWitchy blog as it doesnt seem at all part of my dark side.. but this is where it has landed and so I will keep it here..

Angel

Can I cut you? Was a thought in mind, a frustrated need to taste you, to have you, to feel you, and be you.
The need to release all that burns within me upon your skin, still overtakes me in great force.
My mouth waters, my skin sweats, my clit throbs, my heart beats, my wettness flows at the scent of you, a touch of you, the sight of you, the thought of you.
I close my eyes to dream of you, I open them to look for you, I calm my mind to think on you, you stir my thoughts just in your presence, when I am with you I block out everything else, when we are apart my focus is on the next time I shall be with you.
I consume myself with you, with your smell, your sight, your sound, your feel, every detail of your face, my hand upon it taking you in, running my fingers through your hair, feeling your lips beneath them, breathing you into me as every breath of life you exhale becomes a part of me, your strong shoulders as I rub my hand across them, the warmth of your side and your hip as we lay together looking into one anothers eyes and I explore your breathtakingly captivating features.
The hardness of you I feel against me as we lay closely hugged into one another, and I long to wrap you up and take you into me each and every time. I am warm with thoughts of you, of you and I together. Constantly in my mind, as if I'm obsessed, I am obsessed, and I long to be more so. To have you completely and entirely.
You give me life it seems, it seems you give me many things. You give me love, you give me happiness, you give me passion, desire, peace, tranquility, confidence, support, understanding, longing, hunger, comfort, fear, frustration, satisfaction, so many things you give me,, I believe you actually give me everything that anyone could ever recieve.
With you I am everything, without you I am nothing, with you I am complete, without you I am missing something, with you I am content, without you I am searching, with you I am found, without you I am lost.
I am at one extreme to the other. I am as high as I can be, and as happy as I have ever been, and without you I am fallen as low as possible, and more miserable than I could ever imagine.
With you I am,,, free... with you,,, anything is possible.
You are the most beatuiful thing I have ever known to exist in reallity.
And I am honored, gracious, thankful, and elated that I should have the fortune to experience such happiness in my lifetime, when others are so much less fortunate.
I love you, my Angel.