Fly Away

I found myself sleeping. Quietly drifting off between this world and the next, I decided to travel. Looking down as I see myself lying quietly in my bed, I then begin to fly away. Through the ceiling into the clouds away from myself and to you. I should not be surprised as this is where my thoughts always seem to take me.
Enter I through your window to see you sitting unaware quietly dedicated to something a glow and intent in front of you which I cannot see. Odd to me that you are so alert and awake in this dark hour that I lay sleeping. I move around you in hopes you can sense I am watching, yet a ghost is all it appears I am to you now.
I reach out and touch your hair and a chill comes over you as such you shiver then turn to look at me, yet look right through me into the next room. I smell for you. That scent which I long to embrace I search for, but do not find.
Then comes the cold.... icy breath and a cold so deep that burns my soul, I feel the darkness coming. And, I know it's time for me to go. Float away again I watch as you get smaller until finally out of sight, I find myself again sound and oblivious. If I were not awake within myself I would think I were dreaming.

Distracted

Into the warm pool of clear crystal inspiration, I waded in shoulders deep in all my nakedness and dipped my head beneath the surface of liquid educated theoretic ramblings. Pausing for a moment to hear the muffled noises of scattered voices full of choices.
Smiling to myself full of the thought, of thoughts, of what they thought, they must have.
So I swim from the shallow to find my mind some deeper in the darkness of the depths only to be distracted with the unforeseen and unwelcomed kiss of the manfish that lingers below. He tempts me to come and dance that watery dance with his singing chant for his loneliness needs its ease to find this temporary companionship. Playfully he swims toward the light of his chambers and I do not follow. Suspended in the liquid shadows I seem to have forgotten my journey, I pause looking left and right for some sign that might remind me of my intended venture... yet alas it is gone afloat to the surface to join the vocal vibrations of pondering speech that echoes through the rippling wet covers above me... where I do not want to return.
Neither this way nor that way I turn to follow the beckoning melody of the enchanted one that sings for me to come and find the pleasure that he keeps for me in safe chambers with silent bars.

Numb Paradise

It feels like morning in Spring... Still too cold and gray to call it Spring but you do anyway.
Soaking in the wet dew deep inside my skin, drenching my hair, settling in my eyes and totally absorbed by every follicle of myself that would feel the absorption if the cold and wet had not numbed me to the point of not feeling.
It crosses my mind that hypothermia is soon to take me, yet still I soak it all in until finally,,, becoming it,,, I can hold it. Hold it tight and long and somehow delay Spring all-together and remain trapped here in the lovely cold limbo.
Slow motion now, almost a halt, the dew continues to fall and I can reach out and catch it, touch it, change its direction,,, change its course, manipulate each molecule if I would. I play curiously with a few drops, then, watching them float away, I am secure that I now possess it enough to call it mine.
Closing my eyes I summon it more... more and more quickly, until it's finally a steady beating drizzle of a blissfully rainy morning. I don't even notice how frozen my fingers and limbs have become because now there is nothing to feel anyway... only the cold that I have become one with,, and that's all.
It has consumed me until I have in turn consumed it.
I close my eyes and listen to the beautiful rhythm of the liquid gray melody and for a moment find peace. It's a comfort that only the absence of everything can bring. A cold focus...
Breathe in and breathe out,,, the raindrops fall upon my skin and disappear instantly into my entirety. Breathe in again and feel the icy coolness hit my lungs and complete the portrait of my numb paradise... I am complete. I am at peace and finally, I am without pain.
A sudden warmth touches my face awakening me again to my surroundings and taking this cold solitude away from me brings me again.... aware. A tiny ray of sunlight invading this gray fortress I have conjured has in its simple and smallest entrance stopped everything. The rain falls in one abrupt motion then ceases as if time itself is no longer existent... I open my eyes slowly to the astounding revelation that I now can feel again.
That feel of all feels that I obsessively repeat on paper. That morbid reaching thriving vine that's wrapped so neatly grown around my heart over these years and with every moment,,, every heart beat,,, tears deeper and deeper,,, killing me silently with every miserable pump.
I begin to cry in the realization that there will never be a place or a time that I can be numb enough to keep you and your love from reaching my deepest insides and making me...................................................... feel.

Alone

A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...

When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there? 

BITE ME

Saturday, April 11, 2009 12:20 AM

Bite Me (Writing)
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

And so it goes once more around and turning up that silent sound, breaking through the muddy veil and peircing deep the driven nail, echo, bellow, yell and shout because this is what it's all about.... That silent scream, that red on gray, that bite, the blood, the hell you say!!! But it is and was and never will, yet still this blood just keeps it's spill, and why I let you bite me deep??? When you fucking will not stay your teeth! Yet fall and fall again and more while watching little friendly whores sweep and sway and hold your eye while I listen to your stupid lies, again again, this verse repeats then spills out words on empty sheets. And mad it seems I cannot be because I have no right you see, but love I know it cannot prove because true love it can't be moved, not by might not by will not even by blondish girlish frills. I may not have all that I thought but at least I know I have it bought. And sometimes love it can be jaded but at least I know I won't be traded. Why write about your deep desires then run it down on back road tires? Bury it deep around the bend and hope that message doesn't send! Oh yes I feel that these years are full... Swelling up begin to pull,,,, tearing gently at my ends and spilling out on new begins... and unravel out these loosened threads that sewn up the bite that bled your red. Let it out, let it bleed, let it pour in glassy weeds. Sinking deep into the earth to find it really had no worth, no right, no reason no sense to make, just stupid naive past by mistakes, to live and love and know the truth and wonder what it meant to you... and why the fuck it is I write, these words so much when you they fight, they come out, breath, become born in each and every time I mourn... And God I HATE to love you so and I really now must let go. I'm wasting time and love and peace on something that's not real to me. It never is, it never was,,, It never should have been because, you cannot make a love be true when the love you try to makes with you. You'll never find the one to last because your always looking past, for better, prettier, more and much, I'm never going to be enough. I cursed myself for late so long and wished I could be the perfect one, the one you'd want the one you'd need the one to feed that hungry greed. I wondered why I wondered how, what to change, to fix me how??? But now I see what I need to see, it's not that I have fixing needs,,, I'm fine I'm right I'm just not for you, but for a while it seems that I will do. Until the next one passes by to cooly catch your waving eye, then she will do you for a time then bore you and you'll wonder why... I must it seems end this routine and let you find more sporting means, someone else to take this pain and take that hateful bite you rain. And pass I into the world of life, where people just don't seem to bite. No silent dark kept crypts to lay no late night playful stalking prey, no immortal love to make, no softly tinted shades of gray,,,, It's funny how true red does cast,,, because in life there is no real Lestat.

Currently watching:
Queen of the Damned (Widescreen Edition)

Emptiness

Emptiness,,,
Stay busy, get more stuff, find new things to do, go, make, buy, eat, create, keep going....... just keep going.... slightly a step ahead of that deep dark black nothingness that is just within a glance across my shoulder...
Nothing can fill the void of what a touch, a caress, a kiss, passion and romance leaves in it's absence. You keep going, you keep busy, you keep trying to replace something that can never be replaced until you can't go anymore...
Memories of sweat, heat and blood... never replaced, just ingored until I drive myself crazy I guess.

Generalized

November 11, 2005

A generalized Idea...
Am I so common and not special that I have become a general feeling and a general memory... a general experience? So easily transformed into something that can be related to someone else.

I must shake this dark depression I have sunken within. Burying myself so deep that of course if I am common, I will be common.
Gone but not forgotten... just as the granite usually depicts ones life... In General... 
Beloved...
Missed......
... but still.. 
Gone...
To think that one's feelings for another could be so easily transferred to anyone as to be generalized.
Yes,,, it is a very depressing thought to know this is how you existed to someone.
I almost stole that from you...I conjured it in my head several times over the course of a couple of weeks... To just sneak inside and take it.. then put it here for all to see how that one time you wanted me... And ironic that fate would have it thrown in my face to show me... No... it was not so... it was a general idea. 
Perhaps it belongs to another now...Perhaps what once was mine now is someone else's.. making it more common.
Perhaps it is telling me something...Something I have not wanted to hear but must listen to at last...

Heavy

12/12/05

I saw it there, floating almost close enough to touch.
But that is the dreamers way, aye? To almost reach that unreachable destination just shy of a moment, and still convince yourself that you may. I was sitting there in an instance, wrapped in his arms, sheltered from the cold, watching the sky and speaking of love and many things that we would speak of... yet I feel like I wasn't. I wanted it... to hold it... to remember.... but was I ever really there? Does it matter? I feel like it was all a dream. Perhaps if I sleep enough I will be there again.
But I know I should not and I could not.
I take the heavy path, and I wear my memories like a heavy coat. Each step reminds me how that I do not want to be here. My mind is filled with uncertainty, when just not so long ago everything was so clear.
I feel the weight in my chest, an also heavy burden. Why can it not just break into oblivion to decay and rot away? Why must it remain to pain me so with each beat?
I keep tormenting myself of my decisions. Did I make the right one? Irony that I do so, when I had only one to make... to move on...
So thus I walk, to where I'm not sure. I feel lost again... I do that often. That lost sense washes over me and I find myself searching for something. Funny how that one look into the eyes of another can bring it all together for you, and bring peace to that feeling. But it seems now I cannot find that peace as I once did.
Nor will I ever...

Forget Each Word

12/09/10

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.

Disconnected

Heat courses through my skin,
And the blade becomes hot.
And while I bled upon the floor,
Bleeding I was not.
Yet red is red either way it flows,
I did not cut myself I know.
So while the dripping cursed my veins,
I wished to bleed against the grain...
And bleed and bleed although it stopped,
To catch it's breath and gently mop,
Itself up from the cold hard ground,
I decide to loose myself there down,
And throw myself into it's spill,
To find out where and if it will,
Keep me there away from him,
Or send me home to dive and swim,
Into the pool so bitter dark,
And drink it up yet leave it's mark,
To scar my skin reminding me,
Of how I wished to with him be.
But pull me out and sink it's teeth,
Into the full breast beneath,
The silky white yet lifeless skin,
And fill the blood from out within,
To make me see that writhing red,
And disconnect me from the dead,
That I may miss his warming kiss,
Into the cold and lonely bliss.

I Think

I Think

Tap, Tap, at the door...
   ... Goes the psychobabble behind my brain, requesting an exit into this overcast existence.
  All its monotonous muttering and pacing about collecting its irrationalities in such a tidy organization just to be strewn frantically into the rest of the scraps humanity tosses about without recognition.
   And how insane it is in this insanity of scattered theoretics that looked so neatly drawn on the chalkboard of my membranes to be flying about frantically in the winds of madness...   ... So all along the wires of  my reasoning stretched tightly almost breaking, preferably should have been cut,
It seems it was madness all the while...

Time

May 3, 2010

Time

Time keeps ticking away,, everyday I watch it pass me by knowing how precious it is, I toss it aside every night with the rest of my garbage as if it meant nothing. I hear myself in my oh so convincing monotone voice saying over and over, "When I get to", "One Day I Will", "Things Will Be Different When", "If I Could Just Get To This Point Then",,, blah blah blah,,, same old shit I am forever telling myself to convince me or you or whoever that this is not all,,, there is more,,,, and I'm going to fix or change things,,, knowing that the only way to actually do that is to do it.
What keeps me from making that step? Is it the unknown? Perhaps it's more likely the "known" than the "unkown" I guess...
I want to so bad. Every minute, every breath, every breeze that brushes my face, every scent in the rain, in the sunshine, in the dark, in the morning, it comes with fog, it comes with storms, it comes with the warmth, it comes with the cold, it comes in every waking moment that my mind snaps back to reality and reminds me where I really am supposed to be. There it is... right in front of me,,, constantly in my brain never stoppping...
Like a ghost haunting my day and night.
Is it?

BleD

I feel you there, calling me deep into the night to fly away into that dark deep sky of black and beautiful quiet. The omnipresent echo that forever insanely whispers softly in my ear reminding me to never forget... never stop remembering. Constantly banging on the door of that not so cleaverly hidden room in my mind, the clanking of the chains ring out so loud that those around me hear and know the unspoken not so secret, secret, that constantly tortures my walking existence.
In the wind, in the night, in that silence that screams above the trees and through the clouds to find me from wherever you are so easily, as if just a thought can spread wings and find it's way through the darkness to land its whisper in my ear,,,, I hear you. I know you are there and just within my reach and yet, it's as if we are separated by an ocean of dark nothingness.
This thick summer air in all its heaviness takes it toll on me more and more with each sunset. Quietly I retire to slumber while my blood achingly pulsates throughout my entirety with the raging desire to throw back the window and submit,,, submit it says deep beneath my skin where only I can hear. The sweat on my skin, the sleepless toss and turn of torment, suddenly jumping awake to realize I drifted off again,,, to you... and it was just another dream that leaves me soaking wet with the slightest scent of you somehow still lingering from all that time ago when you touched me,,, kissed me,,, held me,,, bled me,,,, and all that fell in between that keeps me with you.... forever.

I Always Imagined I'd Be Buried

I always imagined I'd be buried...
With the many admonitions of said priest and his many hallowed requests to protect something which is no longer theirs.. I always wondered why.. Never understood and probably never will.
Last night while I lay with my eyes toward the ceiling as many sleepless nights that have passed, I recalled that feeling when remembering our journey into immortal nothingness that encompassed all that was chaos and the ever so contradictory peace that followed. I found myself remembering the feel of velvet linings of that dark wood which promised such sheltered sleep filled eternities together.
I have not forgotten it seems. Closing my eyes and picturing the candle lit chamber, I can almost smell the scents of gardenias and roses outside of my imaginary window. Heavy heat from the flames thicken the air falling silent on our sweat covered skin, I felt that sharp rapture again in the curve of my neck, on the bend of my wrist and again, on the soft silkiness of my thighs. Deep and red, spilling over into a dream of being buried together against the soft satin underpinnings of my conodrum I remember the soft feel of the shiny fabric against the cool hardness of jagged stone...
Opening my eyes to the sounds of mechanical mechanisms still so alien to my senses along with the eye prodding glow of iridescent light... I remember... I always imagined I'd be buried.
I roll over in a fetal position and wonder how it has come to me to be so lost and so unseen when I remember being so alive with you.

An Exchange of Bites

Charcoal clouds against a midnight sky,
The moon is full upon my eye,
Did you think you would ever die?
To beneath the earth at last to lie?
The smell of blood between my thighs,
Amongst the growling I hear your cries,
My untamed lover of the night.
A kiss, a sweet exchange of bites.
I hear your moaning pleasured sighs,
Your breath upon my skin so white,
Blood stained skin, a silent cry.
Bittersweet nectar mixed with wine,
Tonight at last I know you're mine.
Our hearts, our love, our souls entwined,
All in one eternal flight,
Just one moment, of forever's night,
Stay with me, my shining Knight,
My Dark Angel who gives me wings to fly,
And death will not pass us by. 

Ssshhhh

Dark of night your eyes are piercing me,
My heart pounds so loud from fear I can hear it's beat.
Ssshhhh,,,
Silence, I pray you will not move and leave me alone for the rest of this night.
Marching footsteps of a thousand men,
A warriors chant echoes through the mountain side.
The heavy breath of nights solitude sends a shiver across my spine.
Knowing only moments until the firey torment of the daylight consumes my enitity.
I dare not close my eyes in fear I will sleep,
Yet my dreams beckon me to find peace.
The Wizard calls for me to rest,
But even the serentity of a witches song can not settle the unrest that stirs in my heart tonight.
I see her blade shining in the moonlight,
Seeking it's blood to be fullfilled.
My eyes close and for one moment and I am transported back to the familiarality of the castle.
The scents of candles and rock, a musty comfort fills me.
I forget this horrible place and remember the carved wooden furniture in my room.
The smell of maple.. the feel of stone beneath my feet...
Did I ever leave?
A crystal ball.. a pearl misty blue, transparent almost, sitting in the corner.
His face almost as transparent staring at me from the shadows, blending into the darkness.
Where did she go?
What of my fortune telling gypsy whom comforts this havock I seemingly fix myself upon?
Has she abandoned me as well?
Cool damp grass beneath me feet, my room just another memory.
The Witch's circle fades away from me and I am lost to them.
Daybreak,,,
I see it over the horizon making it's pink and orange announcements.
If I run fast enough perhaps I may escape it for a time.
Sshhhh,,,
Quietly move between fear driven breaths that fill the air so recognizably.
All seems impossible to me in this instance.
I feel lost.
Lost from safety of the Witch's Circle,
From the protection of the Wizards hat,
From the knowledge of the crystal ball,
From the comfort of the Gypsy's Fortune,
Lost from the Immortal kiss of his lips which has forgotten me.
Forgotten...
What a heart wrenching recognition...
Sshhhh,,,
They are coming,,,
Your stare doesn't falter, nor does your expression slighten..
What is it you are thinking of?
Here in darkness, with dawn's determined acknowledment,,,
What is you see that breaks not your gaze?
Do you not see the fate we have encountered this night?
All that is in me is fear,
Yet you sit unaffected, unmoved by the despair of our situation.
Sshhhhh,,
Did you hear it?

Storm

Here it is the midnight hour,
On the dark night of the soul.
And the storm rages.
Growing stronger and more powerful,
As I grow weaker and without.
The wind turns the pages.
The book I read,
Alone in bed,
I held my head,
Wished I were dead.
A memory of together...
A laugh, a smile, a joking remark,
Your hands upon me strong,
The scent of skin, a happy day,
To know what it felt like... "together".
.. I hear the storm rage on. 

SIlver Links

Silver Links between my teeth...
An all too familiar taste on my tongue unwantingly violtating my senses... again..
But I love it so don't I?
Metal clanking upon my teeth... the cool harshness upon my lips...
A bad thing followed by a good feeling...
Contradicting... a contradiction...
Silver links between my teeth..
Blood on my lips..
Violations of my mind and senses...
Desicration of my heart...
Silver links between my teeth...

Shattered Pieces

Shattered pieces... shuffling through what used to be.
It's me,,, I think,,, at least there is something that reminds me of me,,, but not me.
a reflection... a portrait of happiness, scattered upon the dirt, barely recognizable, but remembered.
I want so to pick up a piece,,, why I don't know.. to keep a piece of myself perhaps... or maybe to slit my wrist with it, and end this journey that has took a turn toward misery.
Sacrifice... loosing everything you ever wanted, to have what you wanted, but now your not sure what you want. Twisted Irony...
That fate would throw me into the arms of someone and then not let us be together... fate's sick dementia... to hurt us?
Or was it me? I think so...
It is me who's mind is so twisted...
I don't know.. anything.
So beautiful you sit in front of me,,, everything I want, but I can't have, so I let you go.
Walking away my soul ripped apart knowing that one day you will have all that I wanted to have with you.
But some part of me is happy that you will be happy.
And I wake myself up from the dream of you. And return to reallity. 

Forget Each Word

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.