I Killed Myself Last Night

I killed myself last night.
That part which was most precious to me,
I tore it out and watched it bleed.
Then stole away to darkness.
Dreams haunted me after my self infliction.
I saw him, his eyes peircing through me,
My heart ached and my breath was taken away.
Running away from me when I needed him,
Yet I know that it is I that have fleed.
I woke this morning with an aching like no other.
I felt that part of me missing.
Sickening churning in my soul, I fight the urge to puke.
Guilt...
It tortures me today...
Following me, sticking me, reminding me that I hurt him.
Saddness,,,
I have felt it coming on stronger recently and now here the storm is here full force... yet I put myself there?
Why???
Because I don't want to hurt him..
Why should he suffer with me?
He deserves happiness, success, and love.
What am I?
The sky is covered with a grey veil this morning,
So very suiting to my mood..
Normally a calming to my mind and heart,
But today it is just a reminder of the gloom that hovers over me.
I feel cursed...
I would wish to seek out the witch who cast this curse on me, bleed her wicked heart, then drink that I may be so as she so as to not hurt anymore.
What is wrong with me?
That I would throw away happiness just to save happiness..
Maddness...
I feel it.. creeping slowly into my mind, reaking havock on my thoughts, poisoning my judgement, taking control of me...
Knowing the bad is moving to worse.. why would I put him here?
I do not deserve it... I am nothing...
I do not pity myself.. I hate myself.. the one I used to love lay within my heart, I grew to know her, to understand her, to love her,, myself..
And now such anger and despise I feel toward her...
Last night I wished to die..
To close my eyes and never wake from my sleep...
The thought of my life, and growing old, of knowing what my fate is... I wanted so much just to die...
I feel a curse but know that I have just cursed myself...
Loss,, I felt as if someone had died when I woke..
I felt as if I had died also..
I wish I had... 

Darkness

Why do you abandon me?
Now when I need you?
As usual, all there is to me is light...
I close the doors,
I close the windows,
I close my eyes... I close my mind;
Only to have you blinding me still.
Your wretched shinning raining down on me,,,
Do you not see that I hide?
You force me out of darkness,
A place I find comfort and solitude.
Into the uncomfort and restlessness...
Fucking shinning on me... how dare you!
If I had not sought this shadow I would have left it's wings...
Leave me,,, go now and let me wallow in pity and loneliness.
Let me weep in solitude and nonexistence.
I love it here,, I hate it when you show through the crevasses of my hole in the ground...
Intruding on my solice...
Quieting my silent screams....

So why do I miss you so?
Insanity to love this place, but miss that one..

I heard you knocking this morning...
begging me to rejoin the living.. I heard the knock..
And I did not answer although I loved the mere presence of you outside my hearts door.
Lingering here in the dark,,,
Hiding until you are gone...
I watch you leave... all along.. scared to death this will be the last time you knock at my door...
I curl up and hide again...
Waiting for the next time...
Wondering how long it will be until you knock again...
Or if you will...

The light slowly fades to darkness once more.. and I sleep again... 

Shower

I lay here in this steaming hot water and my mind as always is on you.
Your smile, your eyes, the way you laugh, the way you speak to me, the way you touch me.
Always spinning thinking about every detail of our time together and remembering you from my memory.
I lie flat on the floor of the tub with my ears slightly submersed in the water so that all sound is drowned from my ears, I hear the thunder of the running water beating down into the tub.
I remember us in the shower.
I was lying on the floor of your shower and you were above me, the shower raining down on us was cool because we had run out most of the hot water from our extended bathtime leading to other things.
Your long wet hair around me in that tarzanic style you carry so well.
I was so nervous but it was so invigorating. To have you touching me in places normally only I touch in the sanctity of the shower, in that situation, to be totally nude and exposed to you, I felt... free...
The radio singing a song that I never even paid attention to because all I could see was your blue eyes taking me in and I wanted to take you in so badly... all of you,,, in every way...
I reallize I am very turned on from this sensual memory of you... and I have to touch myself... the beating water echoes in my ears beneath the surface and I pull my legs up to me easing down to where faucet is set allowing the water to beat upon my freshly shaven lips I take my fingers spreading them apart so that my clit recieves the thundering pulse of warmth. I close my eyes..
I can see your eyes gazing at me as you do when you have your tongue on me there. I imagine you are there now...
Your hair resting on my thighs, on my stomach, with my hands and fingers tangled into it length as you kiss and slurp away between my slit
The water is filling in the tub minimizing the intensity of the flow upon my swollen spot and I am frustrated... lifting myself to the faucet it feels almost as if it's actually a head job, however nothing compared to the spit from your mouth and the flick of your tongue against my hardened clit, I am definately in full fantasy of your tongue teasing pleasure. The way you kiss me there soars through my brain as the pounding water is hitting just the right spot and I cum jerkingly into the water...
And I lay here missing you so...

The Wizard

I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy. 

My Friend Darkness

Welcome darkness,,, you may linger for your presence comforts me. I understand you for you are my understanding, and perhaps the only one who understands me. Painted upon the walls of my mind and echoing your hollow melodic chants in the shadows of my heart, I am happy you abide with me in this lonesome realm of no significance. My ever so faithful companion in a world of solitude, do not fear me for I fear you not, nay I fear you not. You are me... a piece of my soul separated somehow from this worthless body which I long to vacate. Somehow you have broken free and linger with me as my dark gardian of protection. My ever so loyal angel of the night who saves me. Yes you save me, everyday you save me from that in which I would become without you... like them. Routinely scurrying about a nonexistent endless day after day ritual of what is called living... an uneventful existence which doesn't really seem like existing at all to me.
The graveyard calls to me tonight... beckoning I hear the telepathic whispering in my mind to come and find peace with you, and I would love to go.
Restlessness in my heart, in my mind... I need your calming hymn of nothingness to soothe me in my weariness. Why do I need you so, as specially tonight? 

In My

I hear you in the shadows
Laughing behind my sight
Making faces in hiding places
In the whispers hints of delight
The sun is shining for once today
I emerge from darkness
Serenity sickening, death seems quickening
Morbid Peacefullness
Seeking solitude of my tomb
I must crawl away
Hide in melancholy, embracing the unholy,
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps...
I must crawl away...

Isolation

Knock Knock, who the fuck is there? Do you not see the sign? Don't you even care? knocking knocking how can you be so rude? Violation of my Isolation caught in the nude. Excuses you can puke on for desecrating my sanctum for the day, why the fuck won't you just GO AWAY!!! Shut the fuck up, I don't care what you need, will you just leave me alone so that I may fucking bleed. Where did the night go? What's up with this sun? Even mother nature seems to have me on the run... Go away daylight, I pray for the moon, I should have been here all along, locked inside this tomb. My time is running out, my isolation is ending, How can I steal more time to complete this comprehending. I want to run away, hide from all who can see, I wish to be invisible, or just not to be me. Darkness Darkness Darkness,,, I do so long, tell me Mr. Clock Maker,,, do you hear my song? Digging Digging Digging,,, I feel the shuffling in my mind, Secret place of solitude no longer mine... stolen, ripped away, opened without keys, do you not reallize who is really me? Keep myself to myself, my thoughts are my own, words are yours if I choose not to be alone, Crawling away hoping you don't follow, will you just go away so that I can fucking wallow? No not you, you not them, them not them, but those, those wretched mortals, who think that they know. Many people in the lines of this crap, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I love you, I need you but I don't, sometimes I just want to be alone. I know you are there I still feel you with me, patiently awaiting the return of my sanity. I wish you could understand how fucked up I am, It's not you it's me, psychobabbling Sam.. all the puzzle peices strown on the ground, do you know they will not be found? Ringing Ringing the phone is ringing in the other room,,, who the fuck is that,,, entering my tomb? Ring mother fucker for all that you can, I will ignore your ringing in this forsaken land... forsaken yes, desperate feeling of old, nothing for you, I have always felt cold. I had a dream last night, of being alone. I'm waiting for a bus that doesn't ever come. I search for a way out, but there is none, I sit there all day tortured by the sun. I don't understand why, when the bus brought me here, I see it on the hill on the horizon, but it doesn't draw near, It's parked and empty the driver is inside, and I cannot get off the hill in which I hide. I see my family,,, I follow them to a building, many rooms inside I know my help lies within, I knock on many doors but no answer or reply, I know you are in there so why do you hide, will you not help me, anyone in here? If I didn't want you, then you would be near. Waiting to assist, longing to comfort me, but in my time of need, you are no where to be. I knock and knock on every door there, yet no one comes to answer my prayer. Back to reallity the phone is ringing again, who the fuck is on the other end? I will never know because I will not pick it up,,, so whoever you are shut the fuck up!  

Who Am I

I walk amongst you everyday
Yet I am no where that you are
I talk to you, I hear you speak,
But your words grace not my heart,
I know your name, I know your face,
I forget you when you are gone,
I see you unrecognizingly pass,
I hear the music I know not the song.
My heart beats the same as yours
Yet my blood is much thicker still,
Giving my all to save what means nothing
I suffer that you may heal...
Suffering crying, painfully aware
Your smiling your laughing your happiness
I'm satisfied to see you so
In all of your thoughtlessness.
Pushed aside forgotten and alone
I hold you up in all your glory
Haunted by nightmares fullfilling your dreams
Happy ending your fairytale story
For all that matters now is you...
You forget who I am as so do I,
Every moment your hate feeds off my love,
Your living each moment I die...
Who Am I? 

Wizard

I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy. 

I Hate This Place

I hate this place, I don't even want to be here.
All the scents of stagnant life
Filling my nose with its dull stinch.
Poisoning every molecule of my being
With it's coroding existence.
Decay all around me...
How can you live like this?
There's no music...
Only the sounds of your pathetic attempts
To pretend you actually enjoy existing.
Where am I anyway...
Please tell me this is not what I was born for...
There must be something more than this.
What a waste...
How can you walk around pretending you're someone
Somewhere that you aren't...
How can you expect to know me when
You don't even know yourself..
God I hate this place..
Everything here is a Lie...
Nothing is for real, not no one, not anything,
Pieces of imagination floating around on imagination,
Endless idiocy repeating the same mummery.
Blind conceptions of what should be a beautiful thing
Twisted, manipulated, purposely beclouded in deceptions,
To be so ordinary, so bland, and without virtue
That you should pass it and not even know it is there.
That you should possess it and not even know it is yours.
That you should deny it and not even know of your misfortune...
I hate this place... 

Graveyard

Thinking about us alone together in the graveyard...
Cold granite, warm skin, soft lips, hard masculintiy..
My mind is racing with tantalizing consiousness of you..
The scent of peaceful quiet and foreverness,
The stillness quieting my thoughts.. all along your entire presence quiets my spirit and this neverending restlessness that haunts me...
Just to have you near me,,, so still is my heart...
Almost as death that is around us.. so am I, at long last..
I am comforted,,, a undenied sense of my own mortality,
Yet in your kiss I am Immortal,
Sands of time spilling, falling, seeping through my hands,
I once fumbled to catch it, to hold, to keep it safe,
Now I long to feel it slipping through my fingers,
With this newfound intoxication, to experience every grain of sand, in every moment that consists of you,
I watch the sand disappear into forever away from me
Knowing that it is beautiful, and I am no longer sad to see it go...
For with every particle that I allow to pass out of my reach, I make room for more, even more precious and more full of life than the other.
If I do not let it go, then I make no room for others,
Each passing day is a new beginning of a different life..
Every morning is a start of what will soon be the end..
And I long to cherish every moment that may pass through my fingers... and memorize each piece, forever holding it in my memory.. but only in my memory...
It must be set free..
Just as you make me feel when we are together.. free..
And I will remember all of these moments,,
Be it simple to complex converstations,
Moments wrapped in passion or maybe even tender touches amongst the stone markers..
I will remember you..