Generalized

November 11, 2005

A generalized Idea...
Am I so common and not special that I have become a general feeling and a general memory... a general experience? So easily transformed into something that can be related to someone else.

I must shake this dark depression I have sunken within. Burying myself so deep that of course if I am common, I will be common.
Gone but not forgotten... just as the granite usually depicts ones life... In General... 
Beloved...
Missed......
... but still.. 
Gone...
To think that one's feelings for another could be so easily transferred to anyone as to be generalized.
Yes,,, it is a very depressing thought to know this is how you existed to someone.
I almost stole that from you...I conjured it in my head several times over the course of a couple of weeks... To just sneak inside and take it.. then put it here for all to see how that one time you wanted me... And ironic that fate would have it thrown in my face to show me... No... it was not so... it was a general idea. 
Perhaps it belongs to another now...Perhaps what once was mine now is someone else's.. making it more common.
Perhaps it is telling me something...Something I have not wanted to hear but must listen to at last...

Heavy

12/12/05

I saw it there, floating almost close enough to touch.
But that is the dreamers way, aye? To almost reach that unreachable destination just shy of a moment, and still convince yourself that you may. I was sitting there in an instance, wrapped in his arms, sheltered from the cold, watching the sky and speaking of love and many things that we would speak of... yet I feel like I wasn't. I wanted it... to hold it... to remember.... but was I ever really there? Does it matter? I feel like it was all a dream. Perhaps if I sleep enough I will be there again.
But I know I should not and I could not.
I take the heavy path, and I wear my memories like a heavy coat. Each step reminds me how that I do not want to be here. My mind is filled with uncertainty, when just not so long ago everything was so clear.
I feel the weight in my chest, an also heavy burden. Why can it not just break into oblivion to decay and rot away? Why must it remain to pain me so with each beat?
I keep tormenting myself of my decisions. Did I make the right one? Irony that I do so, when I had only one to make... to move on...
So thus I walk, to where I'm not sure. I feel lost again... I do that often. That lost sense washes over me and I find myself searching for something. Funny how that one look into the eyes of another can bring it all together for you, and bring peace to that feeling. But it seems now I cannot find that peace as I once did.
Nor will I ever...

Forget Each Word

12/09/10

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.

Disconnected

Heat courses through my skin,
And the blade becomes hot.
And while I bled upon the floor,
Bleeding I was not.
Yet red is red either way it flows,
I did not cut myself I know.
So while the dripping cursed my veins,
I wished to bleed against the grain...
And bleed and bleed although it stopped,
To catch it's breath and gently mop,
Itself up from the cold hard ground,
I decide to loose myself there down,
And throw myself into it's spill,
To find out where and if it will,
Keep me there away from him,
Or send me home to dive and swim,
Into the pool so bitter dark,
And drink it up yet leave it's mark,
To scar my skin reminding me,
Of how I wished to with him be.
But pull me out and sink it's teeth,
Into the full breast beneath,
The silky white yet lifeless skin,
And fill the blood from out within,
To make me see that writhing red,
And disconnect me from the dead,
That I may miss his warming kiss,
Into the cold and lonely bliss.

I Think

I Think

Tap, Tap, at the door...
   ... Goes the psychobabble behind my brain, requesting an exit into this overcast existence.
  All its monotonous muttering and pacing about collecting its irrationalities in such a tidy organization just to be strewn frantically into the rest of the scraps humanity tosses about without recognition.
   And how insane it is in this insanity of scattered theoretics that looked so neatly drawn on the chalkboard of my membranes to be flying about frantically in the winds of madness...   ... So all along the wires of  my reasoning stretched tightly almost breaking, preferably should have been cut,
It seems it was madness all the while...

Time

May 3, 2010

Time

Time keeps ticking away,, everyday I watch it pass me by knowing how precious it is, I toss it aside every night with the rest of my garbage as if it meant nothing. I hear myself in my oh so convincing monotone voice saying over and over, "When I get to", "One Day I Will", "Things Will Be Different When", "If I Could Just Get To This Point Then",,, blah blah blah,,, same old shit I am forever telling myself to convince me or you or whoever that this is not all,,, there is more,,,, and I'm going to fix or change things,,, knowing that the only way to actually do that is to do it.
What keeps me from making that step? Is it the unknown? Perhaps it's more likely the "known" than the "unkown" I guess...
I want to so bad. Every minute, every breath, every breeze that brushes my face, every scent in the rain, in the sunshine, in the dark, in the morning, it comes with fog, it comes with storms, it comes with the warmth, it comes with the cold, it comes in every waking moment that my mind snaps back to reality and reminds me where I really am supposed to be. There it is... right in front of me,,, constantly in my brain never stoppping...
Like a ghost haunting my day and night.
Is it?

BleD

I feel you there, calling me deep into the night to fly away into that dark deep sky of black and beautiful quiet. The omnipresent echo that forever insanely whispers softly in my ear reminding me to never forget... never stop remembering. Constantly banging on the door of that not so cleaverly hidden room in my mind, the clanking of the chains ring out so loud that those around me hear and know the unspoken not so secret, secret, that constantly tortures my walking existence.
In the wind, in the night, in that silence that screams above the trees and through the clouds to find me from wherever you are so easily, as if just a thought can spread wings and find it's way through the darkness to land its whisper in my ear,,,, I hear you. I know you are there and just within my reach and yet, it's as if we are separated by an ocean of dark nothingness.
This thick summer air in all its heaviness takes it toll on me more and more with each sunset. Quietly I retire to slumber while my blood achingly pulsates throughout my entirety with the raging desire to throw back the window and submit,,, submit it says deep beneath my skin where only I can hear. The sweat on my skin, the sleepless toss and turn of torment, suddenly jumping awake to realize I drifted off again,,, to you... and it was just another dream that leaves me soaking wet with the slightest scent of you somehow still lingering from all that time ago when you touched me,,, kissed me,,, held me,,, bled me,,,, and all that fell in between that keeps me with you.... forever.

I Always Imagined I'd Be Buried

I always imagined I'd be buried...
With the many admonitions of said priest and his many hallowed requests to protect something which is no longer theirs.. I always wondered why.. Never understood and probably never will.
Last night while I lay with my eyes toward the ceiling as many sleepless nights that have passed, I recalled that feeling when remembering our journey into immortal nothingness that encompassed all that was chaos and the ever so contradictory peace that followed. I found myself remembering the feel of velvet linings of that dark wood which promised such sheltered sleep filled eternities together.
I have not forgotten it seems. Closing my eyes and picturing the candle lit chamber, I can almost smell the scents of gardenias and roses outside of my imaginary window. Heavy heat from the flames thicken the air falling silent on our sweat covered skin, I felt that sharp rapture again in the curve of my neck, on the bend of my wrist and again, on the soft silkiness of my thighs. Deep and red, spilling over into a dream of being buried together against the soft satin underpinnings of my conodrum I remember the soft feel of the shiny fabric against the cool hardness of jagged stone...
Opening my eyes to the sounds of mechanical mechanisms still so alien to my senses along with the eye prodding glow of iridescent light... I remember... I always imagined I'd be buried.
I roll over in a fetal position and wonder how it has come to me to be so lost and so unseen when I remember being so alive with you.

An Exchange of Bites

Charcoal clouds against a midnight sky,
The moon is full upon my eye,
Did you think you would ever die?
To beneath the earth at last to lie?
The smell of blood between my thighs,
Amongst the growling I hear your cries,
My untamed lover of the night.
A kiss, a sweet exchange of bites.
I hear your moaning pleasured sighs,
Your breath upon my skin so white,
Blood stained skin, a silent cry.
Bittersweet nectar mixed with wine,
Tonight at last I know you're mine.
Our hearts, our love, our souls entwined,
All in one eternal flight,
Just one moment, of forever's night,
Stay with me, my shining Knight,
My Dark Angel who gives me wings to fly,
And death will not pass us by. 

Ssshhhh

Dark of night your eyes are piercing me,
My heart pounds so loud from fear I can hear it's beat.
Ssshhhh,,,
Silence, I pray you will not move and leave me alone for the rest of this night.
Marching footsteps of a thousand men,
A warriors chant echoes through the mountain side.
The heavy breath of nights solitude sends a shiver across my spine.
Knowing only moments until the firey torment of the daylight consumes my enitity.
I dare not close my eyes in fear I will sleep,
Yet my dreams beckon me to find peace.
The Wizard calls for me to rest,
But even the serentity of a witches song can not settle the unrest that stirs in my heart tonight.
I see her blade shining in the moonlight,
Seeking it's blood to be fullfilled.
My eyes close and for one moment and I am transported back to the familiarality of the castle.
The scents of candles and rock, a musty comfort fills me.
I forget this horrible place and remember the carved wooden furniture in my room.
The smell of maple.. the feel of stone beneath my feet...
Did I ever leave?
A crystal ball.. a pearl misty blue, transparent almost, sitting in the corner.
His face almost as transparent staring at me from the shadows, blending into the darkness.
Where did she go?
What of my fortune telling gypsy whom comforts this havock I seemingly fix myself upon?
Has she abandoned me as well?
Cool damp grass beneath me feet, my room just another memory.
The Witch's circle fades away from me and I am lost to them.
Daybreak,,,
I see it over the horizon making it's pink and orange announcements.
If I run fast enough perhaps I may escape it for a time.
Sshhhh,,,
Quietly move between fear driven breaths that fill the air so recognizably.
All seems impossible to me in this instance.
I feel lost.
Lost from safety of the Witch's Circle,
From the protection of the Wizards hat,
From the knowledge of the crystal ball,
From the comfort of the Gypsy's Fortune,
Lost from the Immortal kiss of his lips which has forgotten me.
Forgotten...
What a heart wrenching recognition...
Sshhhh,,,
They are coming,,,
Your stare doesn't falter, nor does your expression slighten..
What is it you are thinking of?
Here in darkness, with dawn's determined acknowledment,,,
What is you see that breaks not your gaze?
Do you not see the fate we have encountered this night?
All that is in me is fear,
Yet you sit unaffected, unmoved by the despair of our situation.
Sshhhhh,,
Did you hear it?

Storm

Here it is the midnight hour,
On the dark night of the soul.
And the storm rages.
Growing stronger and more powerful,
As I grow weaker and without.
The wind turns the pages.
The book I read,
Alone in bed,
I held my head,
Wished I were dead.
A memory of together...
A laugh, a smile, a joking remark,
Your hands upon me strong,
The scent of skin, a happy day,
To know what it felt like... "together".
.. I hear the storm rage on. 

SIlver Links

Silver Links between my teeth...
An all too familiar taste on my tongue unwantingly violtating my senses... again..
But I love it so don't I?
Metal clanking upon my teeth... the cool harshness upon my lips...
A bad thing followed by a good feeling...
Contradicting... a contradiction...
Silver links between my teeth..
Blood on my lips..
Violations of my mind and senses...
Desicration of my heart...
Silver links between my teeth...

Shattered Pieces

Shattered pieces... shuffling through what used to be.
It's me,,, I think,,, at least there is something that reminds me of me,,, but not me.
a reflection... a portrait of happiness, scattered upon the dirt, barely recognizable, but remembered.
I want so to pick up a piece,,, why I don't know.. to keep a piece of myself perhaps... or maybe to slit my wrist with it, and end this journey that has took a turn toward misery.
Sacrifice... loosing everything you ever wanted, to have what you wanted, but now your not sure what you want. Twisted Irony...
That fate would throw me into the arms of someone and then not let us be together... fate's sick dementia... to hurt us?
Or was it me? I think so...
It is me who's mind is so twisted...
I don't know.. anything.
So beautiful you sit in front of me,,, everything I want, but I can't have, so I let you go.
Walking away my soul ripped apart knowing that one day you will have all that I wanted to have with you.
But some part of me is happy that you will be happy.
And I wake myself up from the dream of you. And return to reallity. 

Forget Each Word

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.        

Scent

Torture,,, why do I tortue myself so?
For those few brief moments to free myself,
Dancing in that familiar scent once again,
Only to have it stolen from me as quickly as I found it.
Breathe it in so deeply and let it catch me,
I want it to catch me, to remind me time and time again,
Over and over through out the day,
Remind me of that scent, of that taste, of skin, and that deep kiss that consumes my thoughts.
I've never seen you look as beautiful as you did that morning... why?
I've never recalled that scent of you so obsessively through the day, yet I remembered every time it caught me the moment I found it again... I remembered.
And no matter how long you take it from me,,, I never forget...
Sitting here right now,,, I smell you...

Bloody Winter

In the winter cold and quiet,
Snow seems an inescapable white.
Comforting that uncomfortable turn,
To dismiss that unsudden chance return.
Red on crystal clear sheer flakes,
To weigh it down with big mistakes.
Left alone to soak it in,
Yet know it's just another sin.
Touch of hands warm on my breasts,
Bloody hands that held me best.
That bloody taste I did not know,
That melted with the last nights snow.
Still on my lips so fresh and real,
And all the life I longed to steal.
Hold my heart and watch it bleed,
And write what words you wish to read.
Upon the sand that wasted time,
In wishing that you would be mine.
Hope it rains to make you fall,
Upon me with that raining wall.
And wash away the blood I need,
Which hold your wrists that will not bleed.

Picture

An ordinary thing to sit on a shelf,
Quite common and familiar.
Explainable in a thousand different ways,
Yet each way is so much similar.
Watching me watching you,
Reminding me of a cool crisp breeze.
Suddenly I feel myself standing there,
Hearing the wind as it blows the leaves.
Sweaty palms beneath a general pocket,
I had forgotten about the sweet cold.
I can smell Winter draw near then leave,
And I missed the picture of the snow.
For snow it did and covered me,
Then melted with the spring.
While blooming daizies filled the field,
The birds began to sing.
I forgot the picture of the Spring,
And passed it by before aware.
Then watch it fall off to the floor,
And left a place so bare.
Reading my mind, digging in my thoughts,
As you so expectingly see me.
See me for me, am I all that you need?
Then spring has passed me so suddenly.
And so comes the heat, that passionate beat,
Drumming between our acceptance.
My legs spread, tracing deep creavaces,
Leaving my skin with your essence.
Lay your head down to hear that soft sound,
Echoing that song in a murmer.
And so how it seems, to fly in the dream,
And I lost that picture of summer
Now a circle is made, and Autumn may live,
And cover the frame with it's memory.
Remembering detail, etching in my brain.
And I lost that picture of me.

Baby

"Are You My Baby?" I asked of he,
Then he replied in a voice so sweet,
"I'm your Baby," was what he said,
And held me tight there in his bed.
His arms around me warm and strong,
I breathed him in, and held it long.
Then felt the safety in his heart,
And knew with me he would not part.
But grow in him from now and on,
This love that we had come upon.
Then take me there to further then,
Beyond the life I've found with him,
And treasure each and every touch,
I knew it in my heart so much.
"Are you my Baby?" He asked I,
And quickly did I so reply,
"I am you Baby." that he would know,
My heart did oh so love him so,
And know that I could not withstand,
To walk this path without his hand,
And know that I would surely die,
Without that love within his eye.
Yet I know I now must fall awake,
And keep my mind from that mistake,
For no good dreams will find me sleep,
And all that I do long to keep.
That haunting touch, that place I find,
Within those eyes that read my mind.
That place in which I found was me,
And found that lost eternity.
Hold on to that last part of I,
Before I slip away and die,
For darkness comes so quietly,
To take the breath you gave me breathe.
It seems the ghost has so consumed,
And left the safety of the tomb,
To haunt me now and fill my mind,
With what I thought of once as mine,
Torture me with dreams of us,
And how I did so love so much.
To search within those open eyes,
To see that soul in those blue skies,
And feel that rain upon my skin,
To catch it up and hold it in.
So hold me close, into your heart,
Protect me from that quiet dark.
For close behind it follows me,
And waits for me to fall asleep.
"Are you my Baby?" I must hear,
And know that you are somewhere near.

Pretty Head

Darkness makes way for the sillouette of moonlight,
Fingers smooth across the fabric searching and finding a place to hold on tight.
The sounds of pleasure filling the dark, emphasized by the contours of your shoulders above me.
And all I want right now is this extacy.
Dancing that dance, swaying with sway, slow motion it seems as I touch your sweet face.
Skin on skin, to feel you within, something so holy that feels like a sin.
Beautiful the dance that is of true love, and oh how it quickens me to feel love and lust.
Sweet and mean, dirty and clean, the kiss that you have for that pulsating stream.
Sensual kisses that drive me so mad, what is it you do, that makes me so bad?
Your pretty head, here in my bed, until finally it seems at last I am dead.
Hold me close, my lonely lost soul, and I'll only pray you never let go.        

What Would You Dream

What would you say, to pray, if you stay,
To walk along the mornings bay,
The water cool, the fish would say,
To catch that catch for any day.
What would you hear to feel your ear,
To understand all that which is dear,
And wish that you had held so near,
But left your love, because of fear.
What would you love, to love so much,
To know that darkness cannot touch,
But give your love it's dying watch,
And watch it tick away, decay, shut the latch.
What would you dream, to dream if you sleep,
To sleep the night away so peacefully,
And know that love still rests with thee,
Just beside you in your sleep, tonight and for eternity.