Ugly Whispers

04/04/2006

Singing, chanting, softly dance, in and out of my depressing trance.
Sleeping quietly in that bed, bloody sheets that held the dead.
Curl them up and tuck them tight, and pray that it will end tonight.
While at the door my Dark Prince waits, with bleeding wrists and love to make.
Yet slip I down into the cold, with whispers in the nights echo.
I heard it then, again, and there, telling me he was never near.
Whispers softly in my brain, reminding me I'm no more sane.
And turn I round, beneath, about, until the whispers are a shout.
The lies! The lies, I know what's true, and how I could not be his view.
Oh, cursed it is, this ugly skin, How I wish I could be thin.
I close my eyes and wish that God, would touch me with his beauty rod.
Turn me fair to touch his heart, that I'd become his work of art.
Then treasure me in place of them, and only need my longing skin.
Finally I drift to sleep, with all the whispers singing sweet.
"I'm not enough" the thought, the pain, How will I ever trust again?

Reflections of the Phoenix

03/08/2006

Reflections of the Phoenix 
One breath between us and eternity, and all that we have created in this semi-realistic hole in the universe dies with us.
The writing which gave birth to all that you felt that you thought would never be expressed and if so, never understood, yet you wrote none-the-less, to give life to something inside you that you wanted the world to see and comprehend as a part of you, and in a sense, become a part of them.
The picture taken on that first day that spring whispers it's presence in the wind and you felt it and knew that change was coming, just as it does every year as you watch it and take it in, and remember,,,, bringing something that you saw and felt into a photograph, also to be shared and expressed, to spread that part of your life, that minute that you felt it, to spread it somewhere to someone and exist in someway...
The token that you wear so obsessively about your neck, close to your heart,,, touching it ever so often in passing others to remind yourself that even though you are somewhere unfamiliar and uncertain, that you know who you are and where you come from. Playing with it habitually yet, unintentionally, remembering when it came into your possession and why it bears so much significance to your existence.
The random pieces of artwork, books, doo daddles collected on a weekend night out with friends, tapestries, mementos, favorite movies, your burnt cd of your most treasured songs that each remind you of something or someone dear to you, random pictures of the one you used to love along with the one you love now, mixed with the blessings and offerings of those who crossed your path that wished to leave you with something to remember them by, all filling a room that you so perfectly molded into a reflection of who you are.
All the memories you ponder on, the things you like the most and the things you dislike, things that make you happy and things that hurt your heart. All the weird little quirks you have that make you cute to some and oddball to others. Your dreams, your fears, your secrets, your wishes,,, all the things that you allow those you trust to get a glimpse of but wonder if they ever really see in you...
All that will be buried with you when at long last your last breath is spent and releases all those wonderful things that made you the person you were... and what happens to all that it meant to you? What happens to that piece of you that you wished the world to see and exist?
I have it...
And so does the person sitting next to you, the next person to cross your space, the person you pass in the morning and get close enough to that they can smell the scent of your existence, the person you call tonight and make chit chat with about their day and what you felt earlier about something that was bothering you or made you happy, the person in the room opposite you that you think doesn't even know you are there, the last person you touched with a loving gesture, the person with whom you used to be close to but for some reason they are gone or away yet still existing in some form or another just not with you, everyone that you have come into contact with in the smallest and biggest way receives something from you that leaves an impression no matter how defining or unnoticeable, still it is there...
And I take that part of you with me today and thank you for sharing it with me... just by existing.

To Dirt

Originally Written on 3/08/10

So quickly turns the timber in to dirt that which was once that sturdy frame to house a happy home.

Crushed heavily beneath cold fists of ignorance in the pursuit of progress. . . what lies in the rubble of this lost existence that once felt the love and lives of so many.
Dancing, running, jumping and playing ... hugging, kissing, loving and praying... all ghosts now lost to wander with no halls to roam because of a selfish persons desire for the contemporary.
And never know what piece we lose of ourselves with each time you destroy that which means nothing to us but much to another. Yet we do... and destroy over and over those pillars and historical  heritage here as if we never existed at all,, but just ... are.

In Memory of The Smotherman House
Dedicated to Laura Royster Smotherman and others who Loving Roamed those Halls and Stairways at some Point in their Life.

Bloody Lies

02/19/2006 So you wonder why I bled and told the tales to those who've read, of how I took your love so red and cut you in my vampire bed. But oh the lies to whisper thee, when you know that I would never bleed, and how my blood was just for he, yet lie you did for all to see. Have them think I drank you dry, and tell them more of vampire lies, when all I did was scare your eye, to make you wish that lying lie. And tell you tales of vampire lust, and how his teeth so sharp did thrust, into the skin now turned to dust, without the blood he loved so much. So it seems you lived a dream, and wished that you had heard my scream, that echoed through his heart of seams, and touched the soul that lost it's means. But have my blood nor yours I'll take, nor cut you in my bed for sake, nor cover scars my love did make, to grant your blood thirst morbid quake. Tell your friends your bloody lies, and have them think I'm evil eyed, for love so true will see the light, and know your heart is dark as night..

The Voice of Truth

As I Lay in the blurry shadows of my faded existence I found that in the most lonely of lones and most falling of falls I do not even have myself anymore. Tip Toeing thru this ashy facade I have created for you my footprints lead the way to brutal realism which burns the corner of a room that becomes filled with light more and more with each blow of your anger ignited punishment. I remembered the last time.. lying there naked not by choice, freezing wet covered in icy water, shakily reaching for that opportunity you had dismantled in front of me after I lay playing dead and trying not to breathe,,, when suddenly the angelic voice of salvation filled my senses from the woman who had known me before I was known... I was saved... and I was prepared this time... And yes they have come to take you away,,, carry you away from me as I lay curled on the floor as my defenders take measure to protect me, I wonder,,, why did I not protect myself? I rub my neck to release what still feels like your hands around it then I look down only to become aware of how you scattered your disrespect for all I love and is part of me across the floor as if we were strangers walking among you in resentful rejection. I thought I could be content here, I thought I could be happy,,, I thought that I could forget and have some shred of normality how be it ever disguised. And so we see the truth... I hear it,,, I see it,,, I live it... only now,,, I am not lying about it. And how you hate for them to know the truth don't you? It is in this hour of contempt that I find myself turn to the past again. Oh how the past does haunt our present more than any ghost or spirit could so wander. In times past I would close my eyes and let my mind drift back to that place that only I could go to find myself... found over and over in such little glances that were taken for granted so many times,,, I drifted there and felt a little peace in knowing I was still there, in some way. existing... but not this time. That place no longer exists for me. Fading further and further away all this time until it has finally found its place away from me,,, I can no longer go in that direction when it was all that I needed to be free... This time I ran... I ran boldly and with full force in the exact opposite direction and into the place that I lost myself to begin with. Knowing the gray would shadow my brain, knowing the red would bleed me again... I went there. In what I can only describe as moments of temporary emotional insanity mixed with an incredible unhealthy need to be loved,,,  It seems I have dug my hole not only deeper but twice....
 And now... I am in even more danger than I ever was.

Bridge

01/17/2006

Standing in the silence of cold enchantment, I saw you again. As if it were the first time I'd looked at you, I saw you, looking at me with your wondering eye's. Eyes of love that wait for me. Yet here I stand and there you wait.
I know all to well that my salvation lies in you. Deep in your heart that longs to love me so. Fear was an inescapable path that we must journey upon before we reached this bridge.
And here the bridge is finally ahead of us. All we have to do is cross it. Walk across and leave behind all that we fear or doubt. Just take that leap of faith and trust that the other side is the destination we have been searching for and that as long as we cross it together everything will be alright. And I am ready...
I am ready to take your hand and trust in you. Ready to leave behind all that I once loved and believed in to find that love and faith in you. And here we are, all that we have been searching for. At last at this place that determines our future direction. And I am so happy to take the hand of a man as beautiful and devoted as you, my love, and begin our journey together forever.
I promise to never take for granted that today may be our last day together. We never know what the future holds, and as we lay here in one anothers eyes today, we may not have each other to hold tomorrow, and I will cherish every moment and make it significant no matter how simple or small.
I love you.

Bury Me With Thee

12/15/05

Oh, how I envy thee in your first moments of passing.
Gentle caresses from that immortal extacy that I have yet to encounter.
Slowly each day I watch you fade away.
Colder, quieter, calmer with each passing.
Life ever so delicately slipping away from you, and you see so natural in your state of premorbid slumber.
Such a graceful exchange it seems you intend to make, giving up all that thrived in you so recently, and simply lie in wait for it to die in you as quickly as it came.
I sit in solemn observance with your caretaker, and wish that I could slip into the peacefulness that awaits you.
I can almost hear the silence, I can almost feel the cool release, and It seems I can almost taste the darkness of solitude that anticipates your arrival...
Oh winter.... what peace you bring to my soul. And oh how I long to be buried with thee.

Awake

12/29/05

To fly between this breeze and that echo,
See the white of that glistening light.
I know that forever waits in that chamber made of my solitary confinement,,, and so it shall have to wait a bit longer still.
I take that walk once again as it seems I'm stumbling upon another premonition of coexistence. Flattered with diamond and white gold upon the finger of premeditated theoretics and all the while that tune that deafens me into retreat to scurry back into that stubborn stupor of a wake plays monotonously in it's silent repetition.
Becoming more and more obsessed with something that I have no comprehension of, yet I allow myself to be lost in it for the love of the insanity of it all. Just to let go and not worry about the consequences of my inhibitions for a change would be an idea that entertains me through the night until I see you once more.
Shuffling through the covers in a panicked frustrated attempt to recreate the sex scented night before when your sweat and wet kisses covered the insides of my darkest fantasies. Lapping up every drop of my existence in an attempt to free me for the moment that you need me to be free upon you.
And there you are again, thrusting atop me in a sensual needing beckon that I need so much more to be forced upon me, and why you don't just take it, I am uncertain, but I love the thought of it anyway. I'm almost mad in the pleasure yet I feel the longing for aggression that you seem almost scared to impose upon me.
Falling,,, I feel myself drop, only this time to fall upon a coffin bed of satin and rose petals. I look up from the ground to see the rectangle outline of an overcast sky, the cold winter air hardening my skin, and I feel the shadow of the sarcophagus top shut above me sealing me in to safety away from everything.
Your arms around me as we lie in solitude of the earthy chamber,,, I sleep.... a thousand years it seems I sleep and dream of waking in a new morning full of your love and discovery. I dream until you wake me again.

I Laugh

12/19/05

I laughed,,,
The louder the music played the more I laughed.
Swinging around into he melancholy of the moon lights enchantment,,,
I cried,,,
I cried the tear that fell a thousand times, pooling in the puddle of our existence. Feeling the gentle stroke of his hand wipe away that sadness in an instance...
... and I smiled...
Coddled in a blanket of everything and nothing, made only of significance that cannot be possessed nor gifted. Sprinkled with stars and covered with midnights thickness. Watching the morning be born as it has through out all eternity, but never as it had for us.
and I died,,,,
Falling away from what use to be me yet again for what seems like my only destiny. All the while searching back for the sound of that rhythm in silence and hearing only the ironic quiet of a blanketed memory...
... and I laughed....

Poison

November 2, 2005

Poison... that toxic perfume of my existence slowly poisons and taints itself unto death. I feel it... with every pump of that wretched organ, the fire is pushed to the outter reaches of my body and returns back again spreading it's disease, beginning it's decay. The blood I once held as precious, the red liquid intoxication with which I was obsessed, now seems a vile overrated neccessity that obtrudes itself upon me. I pray for the rain to wash this filth away from me. To pour itself upon my skin and wash away this corruption leaving the soft skin that was once beneath the hand of the one that I wished it to be.

Release

A steady drip, I steadily slip,
Silence,,, save for the echo of each drop.
A slit wrist, against your fist,
Pray the blood not stop.
Heated hands, the burning sands,
Slow motion, the cold slips in.
Shivering, shaking, morbid lovemaking,
I see it down there,,, the end.
Falling non-stop, drip, drip, drop,
Through darkness into relief,
And Oh, so it seems, I am only a dream,
A dream in a dream of this peace.
And as I escape life's cruel cherade,
To feel the crimsoned release,
Drop upon drop, and a final stop,
Then suddenly the maddness has ceased. 

A Dream

I found myself dreaming, deep in sleeping slumber and quiet solitude. Curling my fingers and arms close against me to snuggle near that precious comfort that is no longer against my sleeping breast, gone but not missing, as I find myself in dreams peaceful embrace I do not realize it's not even there.
Cool breezes painted poetically with a touch of warm golden sun lit brushstrokes almost in slow motion covering the ground in my minds small but city like square with colors of browns, yellows and dark orange leaves that dance so lovely in that place that's formed its garden now permanently painted in my memory and wishing somewhere it might exist for me.... Could it please really exist for me?
The towering buildings remind me of tall versions of a village that might exist somewhere in Italy or Venice but seemingly misplace here in the small town existence of my dream world and although misplaced feel so much like home... I am so happy.
I stand in awe... not of the beauty of the monuments, not in the wonder of having such a perfect place covered also in such perfect Fall... but in that here in this place where lay all that I love and all that makes me happy I also found you again. Walking through long lovely open corridors, strolling through the courtyard listening to the leaves beneath my feet, sitting on the stone steps of the most beautiful building I have ever seen in non existence, taking in the beauty of the angelic statue that rests inside the wrought iron fence in the middle of it all,,, there you were, your eyes to mine, your nose to my nose, your arms holding me so beautifully and it seemed I found peace again like I have not found in so long. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to truly be happy and here it was, so real and so wonderful.... and then I awoke.
All day I have closed my eyes to find myself back inside the Autumn Dream and all day I have found you when I did. But all day, I have longed to never open them again and stay there... because there is no where else that I want to be, nor any other way to be there but in A Dream.

Still Motion

Steady, fast and confident strides this sure footed traveler. On and on, I journey, each day telling myself to just keep going. Just do. "Do or do not, there is no try" quoth the legendary wide eyed master along with many other pearls of wisdom and inspirational writings that people remind themselves of daily or subscribe to in order to help them make it from sun up to sun down. I find myself repeating the phrase, quite often of late, in my mind to help me make it through the thickness of dense dark negativity that imprisons us from the moment we open our eyes each morning and does not release us until we are in those briefly quiet moments between sleep and dreams when the mind does nothing.
Just keep moving, just keep going, just keep doing.... and eventually I will be there....
where?
I'm not sure.
I suddenly have this overwhelming feeling as if I've not actually moved at all. I've not made any progress nor moved any closer to that imaginary goal that I'm not even sure "is". A still motion I daily commit myself to in order to convince myself that I'm getting there.... to better, to smarter, to more successful, to prettier, to thinner, to .... good enough, I suddenly realize while sitting here all alone behind this glass filled with faceless others that, I'll never get there.
No matter where I am, I am nowhere when there is something missing and as long as that something is missing, I'm always going to be somewhere less than, good enough.

All

Sitting here, my mind has been on you again. Over and Over again your image flashes inside my brain everytime I close my eyes and everytime I open them. A somber torment that I'm not sure if I love or hate, but can't do without either way. It's all I have...

Them

How I hate to hate this fall,,, diminishing myself deep and far into this sinking depression that only leads me further and further down that hole to nothing but nothing. I feel the dark creeping closer slowly crawling its way across to me inch by inch I can feel it's cold fingers on the tips of my toes in the darkness and instead of jump I only stand there cornered and wishing it would just hurry and consume me entirely until I forget what it was like to see the sunlight. If I forget I cannot remember... If I cannot remember,,, then I cannot know anything else but nothing. I close my eyes, screaming in agony of still being aware that there is someplace different,,, there is something good, there is something real,,, there is a place of peace and understanding where the rain is soft and my soul is quiet and full of smile. Yet here I stand, praying in darkness to just forget and submit my entity to that fabricated reality of cold shallow thick muddy creek water that everyone goes to when the rain comes no more,,, and just drink with them. Because I am now,,,, them.
Makes you wish you hadn't followed the white rabbit or taken the red pill...

Fly Away

I found myself sleeping. Quietly drifting off between this world and the next, I decided to travel. Looking down as I see myself lying quietly in my bed, I then begin to fly away. Through the ceiling into the clouds away from myself and to you. I should not be surprised as this is where my thoughts always seem to take me.
Enter I through your window to see you sitting unaware quietly dedicated to something a glow and intent in front of you which I cannot see. Odd to me that you are so alert and awake in this dark hour that I lay sleeping. I move around you in hopes you can sense I am watching, yet a ghost is all it appears I am to you now.
I reach out and touch your hair and a chill comes over you as such you shiver then turn to look at me, yet look right through me into the next room. I smell for you. That scent which I long to embrace I search for, but do not find.
Then comes the cold.... icy breath and a cold so deep that burns my soul, I feel the darkness coming. And, I know it's time for me to go. Float away again I watch as you get smaller until finally out of sight, I find myself again sound and oblivious. If I were not awake within myself I would think I were dreaming.

Distracted

Into the warm pool of clear crystal inspiration, I waded in shoulders deep in all my nakedness and dipped my head beneath the surface of liquid educated theoretic ramblings. Pausing for a moment to hear the muffled noises of scattered voices full of choices.
Smiling to myself full of the thought, of thoughts, of what they thought, they must have.
So I swim from the shallow to find my mind some deeper in the darkness of the depths only to be distracted with the unforeseen and unwelcomed kiss of the manfish that lingers below. He tempts me to come and dance that watery dance with his singing chant for his loneliness needs its ease to find this temporary companionship. Playfully he swims toward the light of his chambers and I do not follow. Suspended in the liquid shadows I seem to have forgotten my journey, I pause looking left and right for some sign that might remind me of my intended venture... yet alas it is gone afloat to the surface to join the vocal vibrations of pondering speech that echoes through the rippling wet covers above me... where I do not want to return.
Neither this way nor that way I turn to follow the beckoning melody of the enchanted one that sings for me to come and find the pleasure that he keeps for me in safe chambers with silent bars.

Numb Paradise

It feels like morning in Spring... Still too cold and gray to call it Spring but you do anyway.
Soaking in the wet dew deep inside my skin, drenching my hair, settling in my eyes and totally absorbed by every follicle of myself that would feel the absorption if the cold and wet had not numbed me to the point of not feeling.
It crosses my mind that hypothermia is soon to take me, yet still I soak it all in until finally,,, becoming it,,, I can hold it. Hold it tight and long and somehow delay Spring all-together and remain trapped here in the lovely cold limbo.
Slow motion now, almost a halt, the dew continues to fall and I can reach out and catch it, touch it, change its direction,,, change its course, manipulate each molecule if I would. I play curiously with a few drops, then, watching them float away, I am secure that I now possess it enough to call it mine.
Closing my eyes I summon it more... more and more quickly, until it's finally a steady beating drizzle of a blissfully rainy morning. I don't even notice how frozen my fingers and limbs have become because now there is nothing to feel anyway... only the cold that I have become one with,, and that's all.
It has consumed me until I have in turn consumed it.
I close my eyes and listen to the beautiful rhythm of the liquid gray melody and for a moment find peace. It's a comfort that only the absence of everything can bring. A cold focus...
Breathe in and breathe out,,, the raindrops fall upon my skin and disappear instantly into my entirety. Breathe in again and feel the icy coolness hit my lungs and complete the portrait of my numb paradise... I am complete. I am at peace and finally, I am without pain.
A sudden warmth touches my face awakening me again to my surroundings and taking this cold solitude away from me brings me again.... aware. A tiny ray of sunlight invading this gray fortress I have conjured has in its simple and smallest entrance stopped everything. The rain falls in one abrupt motion then ceases as if time itself is no longer existent... I open my eyes slowly to the astounding revelation that I now can feel again.
That feel of all feels that I obsessively repeat on paper. That morbid reaching thriving vine that's wrapped so neatly grown around my heart over these years and with every moment,,, every heart beat,,, tears deeper and deeper,,, killing me silently with every miserable pump.
I begin to cry in the realization that there will never be a place or a time that I can be numb enough to keep you and your love from reaching my deepest insides and making me...................................................... feel.

Alone

A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...

When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there? 

BITE ME

Saturday, April 11, 2009 12:20 AM

Bite Me (Writing)
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

And so it goes once more around and turning up that silent sound, breaking through the muddy veil and peircing deep the driven nail, echo, bellow, yell and shout because this is what it's all about.... That silent scream, that red on gray, that bite, the blood, the hell you say!!! But it is and was and never will, yet still this blood just keeps it's spill, and why I let you bite me deep??? When you fucking will not stay your teeth! Yet fall and fall again and more while watching little friendly whores sweep and sway and hold your eye while I listen to your stupid lies, again again, this verse repeats then spills out words on empty sheets. And mad it seems I cannot be because I have no right you see, but love I know it cannot prove because true love it can't be moved, not by might not by will not even by blondish girlish frills. I may not have all that I thought but at least I know I have it bought. And sometimes love it can be jaded but at least I know I won't be traded. Why write about your deep desires then run it down on back road tires? Bury it deep around the bend and hope that message doesn't send! Oh yes I feel that these years are full... Swelling up begin to pull,,,, tearing gently at my ends and spilling out on new begins... and unravel out these loosened threads that sewn up the bite that bled your red. Let it out, let it bleed, let it pour in glassy weeds. Sinking deep into the earth to find it really had no worth, no right, no reason no sense to make, just stupid naive past by mistakes, to live and love and know the truth and wonder what it meant to you... and why the fuck it is I write, these words so much when you they fight, they come out, breath, become born in each and every time I mourn... And God I HATE to love you so and I really now must let go. I'm wasting time and love and peace on something that's not real to me. It never is, it never was,,, It never should have been because, you cannot make a love be true when the love you try to makes with you. You'll never find the one to last because your always looking past, for better, prettier, more and much, I'm never going to be enough. I cursed myself for late so long and wished I could be the perfect one, the one you'd want the one you'd need the one to feed that hungry greed. I wondered why I wondered how, what to change, to fix me how??? But now I see what I need to see, it's not that I have fixing needs,,, I'm fine I'm right I'm just not for you, but for a while it seems that I will do. Until the next one passes by to cooly catch your waving eye, then she will do you for a time then bore you and you'll wonder why... I must it seems end this routine and let you find more sporting means, someone else to take this pain and take that hateful bite you rain. And pass I into the world of life, where people just don't seem to bite. No silent dark kept crypts to lay no late night playful stalking prey, no immortal love to make, no softly tinted shades of gray,,,, It's funny how true red does cast,,, because in life there is no real Lestat.

Currently watching:
Queen of the Damned (Widescreen Edition)