Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Heavy

12/12/05

I saw it there, floating almost close enough to touch.
But that is the dreamers way, aye? To almost reach that unreachable destination just shy of a moment, and still convince yourself that you may. I was sitting there in an instance, wrapped in his arms, sheltered from the cold, watching the sky and speaking of love and many things that we would speak of... yet I feel like I wasn't. I wanted it... to hold it... to remember.... but was I ever really there? Does it matter? I feel like it was all a dream. Perhaps if I sleep enough I will be there again.
But I know I should not and I could not.
I take the heavy path, and I wear my memories like a heavy coat. Each step reminds me how that I do not want to be here. My mind is filled with uncertainty, when just not so long ago everything was so clear.
I feel the weight in my chest, an also heavy burden. Why can it not just break into oblivion to decay and rot away? Why must it remain to pain me so with each beat?
I keep tormenting myself of my decisions. Did I make the right one? Irony that I do so, when I had only one to make... to move on...
So thus I walk, to where I'm not sure. I feel lost again... I do that often. That lost sense washes over me and I find myself searching for something. Funny how that one look into the eyes of another can bring it all together for you, and bring peace to that feeling. But it seems now I cannot find that peace as I once did.
Nor will I ever...

Friday, December 17, 2010

Forget Each Word

12/09/10

Would it be a tale so sweet to feel the crimsoned cool release?
I heard the echo in your flight, as you left my door again last night,
Alone in darkness, I sit in fear, and cry that bloody lonely tear.
How is that I lack so much, to not deserve your loving touch?
Leave me please, and let me die, and I will crawl away and hide.
Bury myself into the ground, deep enough to not be found,
Soak in the blood rub in the red, and wish that I can soon be dead.
Dripping soft upon the wood, and stain the satin covered hood,
Accept the night and close the door, and dream a dream that comes once more,
To find me lost this one last time, and forget each word I heard in rhyme,
Forget the paint in each smooth brush, forget the silent screaming hush,
Forget the words with comfort spoke, forget the music of each note,
Forget the smile, the laugh, the eyes, forget the many lonely lies,
Forget the arms, the beating heart, and all that I proclaimed as art.
Falling deep into the dead, I lay my heavy confused head,
To free my mind some place in time, and rest at last as peace I find.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Disconnected

Heat courses through my skin,
And the blade becomes hot.
And while I bled upon the floor,
Bleeding I was not.
Yet red is red either way it flows,
I did not cut myself I know.
So while the dripping cursed my veins,
I wished to bleed against the grain...
And bleed and bleed although it stopped,
To catch it's breath and gently mop,
Itself up from the cold hard ground,
I decide to loose myself there down,
And throw myself into it's spill,
To find out where and if it will,
Keep me there away from him,
Or send me home to dive and swim,
Into the pool so bitter dark,
And drink it up yet leave it's mark,
To scar my skin reminding me,
Of how I wished to with him be.
But pull me out and sink it's teeth,
Into the full breast beneath,
The silky white yet lifeless skin,
And fill the blood from out within,
To make me see that writhing red,
And disconnect me from the dead,
That I may miss his warming kiss,
Into the cold and lonely bliss.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Think

I Think

Tap, Tap, at the door...
   ... Goes the psychobabble behind my brain, requesting an exit into this overcast existence.
  All its monotonous muttering and pacing about collecting its irrationalities in such a tidy organization just to be strewn frantically into the rest of the scraps humanity tosses about without recognition.
   And how insane it is in this insanity of scattered theoretics that looked so neatly drawn on the chalkboard of my membranes to be flying about frantically in the winds of madness...   ... So all along the wires of  my reasoning stretched tightly almost breaking, preferably should have been cut,
It seems it was madness all the while...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Time

May 3, 2010

Time

Time keeps ticking away,, everyday I watch it pass me by knowing how precious it is, I toss it aside every night with the rest of my garbage as if it meant nothing. I hear myself in my oh so convincing monotone voice saying over and over, "When I get to", "One Day I Will", "Things Will Be Different When", "If I Could Just Get To This Point Then",,, blah blah blah,,, same old shit I am forever telling myself to convince me or you or whoever that this is not all,,, there is more,,,, and I'm going to fix or change things,,, knowing that the only way to actually do that is to do it.
What keeps me from making that step? Is it the unknown? Perhaps it's more likely the "known" than the "unkown" I guess...
I want to so bad. Every minute, every breath, every breeze that brushes my face, every scent in the rain, in the sunshine, in the dark, in the morning, it comes with fog, it comes with storms, it comes with the warmth, it comes with the cold, it comes in every waking moment that my mind snaps back to reality and reminds me where I really am supposed to be. There it is... right in front of me,,, constantly in my brain never stoppping...
Like a ghost haunting my day and night.
Is it?

BleD

I feel you there, calling me deep into the night to fly away into that dark deep sky of black and beautiful quiet. The omnipresent echo that forever insanely whispers softly in my ear reminding me to never forget... never stop remembering. Constantly banging on the door of that not so cleaverly hidden room in my mind, the clanking of the chains ring out so loud that those around me hear and know the unspoken not so secret, secret, that constantly tortures my walking existence.
In the wind, in the night, in that silence that screams above the trees and through the clouds to find me from wherever you are so easily, as if just a thought can spread wings and find it's way through the darkness to land its whisper in my ear,,,, I hear you. I know you are there and just within my reach and yet, it's as if we are separated by an ocean of dark nothingness.
This thick summer air in all its heaviness takes it toll on me more and more with each sunset. Quietly I retire to slumber while my blood achingly pulsates throughout my entirety with the raging desire to throw back the window and submit,,, submit it says deep beneath my skin where only I can hear. The sweat on my skin, the sleepless toss and turn of torment, suddenly jumping awake to realize I drifted off again,,, to you... and it was just another dream that leaves me soaking wet with the slightest scent of you somehow still lingering from all that time ago when you touched me,,, kissed me,,, held me,,, bled me,,,, and all that fell in between that keeps me with you.... forever.

I Always Imagined I'd Be Buried


I always imagined I'd be buried...
With the many admonitions of said priest and his many hallowed requests to protect something which is no longer theirs.. I always wondered why.. Never understood and probably never will.
Last night while I lay with my eyes toward the ceiling as many sleepless nights that have passed, I recalled that feeling when remembering our journey into immortal nothingness that encompassed all that was chaos and the ever so contradictory peace that followed. I found myself remembering the feel of velvet linings of that dark wood which promised such sheltered sleep filled eternities together.
I have not forgotten it seems. Closing my eyes and picturing the candle lit chamber, I can almost smell the scents of gardenias and roses outside of my imaginary window. Heavy heat from the flames thicken the air falling silent on our sweat covered skin, I felt that sharp rapture again in the curve of my neck, on the bend of my wrist and again, on the soft silkiness of my thighs. Deep and red, spilling over into a dream of being buried together against the soft satin underpinnings of my conodrum I remember the soft feel of the shiny fabric against the cool hardness of jagged stone...
Opening my eyes to the sounds of mechanical mechanisms still so alien to my senses along with the eye prodding glow of iridescent light... I remember... I always imagined I'd be buried.
I roll over in a fetal position and wonder how it has come to me to be so lost and so unseen when I remember being so alive with you.

Friday, August 20, 2010

An Exchange of Bites

Charcoal clouds against a midnight sky,
The moon is full upon my eye,
Did you think you would ever die?
To beneath the earth at last to lie?
The smell of blood between my thighs,
Amongst the growling I hear your cries,
My untamed lover of the night.
A kiss, a sweet exchange of bites.
I hear your moaning pleasured sighs,
Your breath upon my skin so white,
Blood stained skin, a silent cry.
Bittersweet nectar mixed with wine,
Tonight at last I know you're mine.
Our hearts, our love, our souls entwined,
All in one eternal flight,
Just one moment, of forever's night,
Stay with me, my shining Knight,
My Dark Angel who gives me wings to fly,
And death will not pass us by.