Awake

12/29/05

To fly between this breeze and that echo,
See the white of that glistening light.
I know that forever waits in that chamber made of my solitary confinement,,, and so it shall have to wait a bit longer still.
I take that walk once again as it seems I'm stumbling upon another premonition of coexistence. Flattered with diamond and white gold upon the finger of premeditated theoretics and all the while that tune that deafens me into retreat to scurry back into that stubborn stupor of a wake plays monotonously in it's silent repetition.
Becoming more and more obsessed with something that I have no comprehension of, yet I allow myself to be lost in it for the love of the insanity of it all. Just to let go and not worry about the consequences of my inhibitions for a change would be an idea that entertains me through the night until I see you once more.
Shuffling through the covers in a panicked frustrated attempt to recreate the sex scented night before when your sweat and wet kisses covered the insides of my darkest fantasies. Lapping up every drop of my existence in an attempt to free me for the moment that you need me to be free upon you.
And there you are again, thrusting atop me in a sensual needing beckon that I need so much more to be forced upon me, and why you don't just take it, I am uncertain, but I love the thought of it anyway. I'm almost mad in the pleasure yet I feel the longing for aggression that you seem almost scared to impose upon me.
Falling,,, I feel myself drop, only this time to fall upon a coffin bed of satin and rose petals. I look up from the ground to see the rectangle outline of an overcast sky, the cold winter air hardening my skin, and I feel the shadow of the sarcophagus top shut above me sealing me in to safety away from everything.
Your arms around me as we lie in solitude of the earthy chamber,,, I sleep.... a thousand years it seems I sleep and dream of waking in a new morning full of your love and discovery. I dream until you wake me again.

I Laugh

12/19/05

I laughed,,,
The louder the music played the more I laughed.
Swinging around into he melancholy of the moon lights enchantment,,,
I cried,,,
I cried the tear that fell a thousand times, pooling in the puddle of our existence. Feeling the gentle stroke of his hand wipe away that sadness in an instance...
... and I smiled...
Coddled in a blanket of everything and nothing, made only of significance that cannot be possessed nor gifted. Sprinkled with stars and covered with midnights thickness. Watching the morning be born as it has through out all eternity, but never as it had for us.
and I died,,,,
Falling away from what use to be me yet again for what seems like my only destiny. All the while searching back for the sound of that rhythm in silence and hearing only the ironic quiet of a blanketed memory...
... and I laughed....

Poison

November 2, 2005

Poison... that toxic perfume of my existence slowly poisons and taints itself unto death. I feel it... with every pump of that wretched organ, the fire is pushed to the outter reaches of my body and returns back again spreading it's disease, beginning it's decay. The blood I once held as precious, the red liquid intoxication with which I was obsessed, now seems a vile overrated neccessity that obtrudes itself upon me. I pray for the rain to wash this filth away from me. To pour itself upon my skin and wash away this corruption leaving the soft skin that was once beneath the hand of the one that I wished it to be.

Release

A steady drip, I steadily slip,
Silence,,, save for the echo of each drop.
A slit wrist, against your fist,
Pray the blood not stop.
Heated hands, the burning sands,
Slow motion, the cold slips in.
Shivering, shaking, morbid lovemaking,
I see it down there,,, the end.
Falling non-stop, drip, drip, drop,
Through darkness into relief,
And Oh, so it seems, I am only a dream,
A dream in a dream of this peace.
And as I escape life's cruel cherade,
To feel the crimsoned release,
Drop upon drop, and a final stop,
Then suddenly the maddness has ceased. 

A Dream

I found myself dreaming, deep in sleeping slumber and quiet solitude. Curling my fingers and arms close against me to snuggle near that precious comfort that is no longer against my sleeping breast, gone but not missing, as I find myself in dreams peaceful embrace I do not realize it's not even there.
Cool breezes painted poetically with a touch of warm golden sun lit brushstrokes almost in slow motion covering the ground in my minds small but city like square with colors of browns, yellows and dark orange leaves that dance so lovely in that place that's formed its garden now permanently painted in my memory and wishing somewhere it might exist for me.... Could it please really exist for me?
The towering buildings remind me of tall versions of a village that might exist somewhere in Italy or Venice but seemingly misplace here in the small town existence of my dream world and although misplaced feel so much like home... I am so happy.
I stand in awe... not of the beauty of the monuments, not in the wonder of having such a perfect place covered also in such perfect Fall... but in that here in this place where lay all that I love and all that makes me happy I also found you again. Walking through long lovely open corridors, strolling through the courtyard listening to the leaves beneath my feet, sitting on the stone steps of the most beautiful building I have ever seen in non existence, taking in the beauty of the angelic statue that rests inside the wrought iron fence in the middle of it all,,, there you were, your eyes to mine, your nose to my nose, your arms holding me so beautifully and it seemed I found peace again like I have not found in so long. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to truly be happy and here it was, so real and so wonderful.... and then I awoke.
All day I have closed my eyes to find myself back inside the Autumn Dream and all day I have found you when I did. But all day, I have longed to never open them again and stay there... because there is no where else that I want to be, nor any other way to be there but in A Dream.

Still Motion

Steady, fast and confident strides this sure footed traveler. On and on, I journey, each day telling myself to just keep going. Just do. "Do or do not, there is no try" quoth the legendary wide eyed master along with many other pearls of wisdom and inspirational writings that people remind themselves of daily or subscribe to in order to help them make it from sun up to sun down. I find myself repeating the phrase, quite often of late, in my mind to help me make it through the thickness of dense dark negativity that imprisons us from the moment we open our eyes each morning and does not release us until we are in those briefly quiet moments between sleep and dreams when the mind does nothing.
Just keep moving, just keep going, just keep doing.... and eventually I will be there....
where?
I'm not sure.
I suddenly have this overwhelming feeling as if I've not actually moved at all. I've not made any progress nor moved any closer to that imaginary goal that I'm not even sure "is". A still motion I daily commit myself to in order to convince myself that I'm getting there.... to better, to smarter, to more successful, to prettier, to thinner, to .... good enough, I suddenly realize while sitting here all alone behind this glass filled with faceless others that, I'll never get there.
No matter where I am, I am nowhere when there is something missing and as long as that something is missing, I'm always going to be somewhere less than, good enough.

All

Sitting here, my mind has been on you again. Over and Over again your image flashes inside my brain everytime I close my eyes and everytime I open them. A somber torment that I'm not sure if I love or hate, but can't do without either way. It's all I have...

Them

How I hate to hate this fall,,, diminishing myself deep and far into this sinking depression that only leads me further and further down that hole to nothing but nothing. I feel the dark creeping closer slowly crawling its way across to me inch by inch I can feel it's cold fingers on the tips of my toes in the darkness and instead of jump I only stand there cornered and wishing it would just hurry and consume me entirely until I forget what it was like to see the sunlight. If I forget I cannot remember... If I cannot remember,,, then I cannot know anything else but nothing. I close my eyes, screaming in agony of still being aware that there is someplace different,,, there is something good, there is something real,,, there is a place of peace and understanding where the rain is soft and my soul is quiet and full of smile. Yet here I stand, praying in darkness to just forget and submit my entity to that fabricated reality of cold shallow thick muddy creek water that everyone goes to when the rain comes no more,,, and just drink with them. Because I am now,,,, them.
Makes you wish you hadn't followed the white rabbit or taken the red pill...

Fly Away

I found myself sleeping. Quietly drifting off between this world and the next, I decided to travel. Looking down as I see myself lying quietly in my bed, I then begin to fly away. Through the ceiling into the clouds away from myself and to you. I should not be surprised as this is where my thoughts always seem to take me.
Enter I through your window to see you sitting unaware quietly dedicated to something a glow and intent in front of you which I cannot see. Odd to me that you are so alert and awake in this dark hour that I lay sleeping. I move around you in hopes you can sense I am watching, yet a ghost is all it appears I am to you now.
I reach out and touch your hair and a chill comes over you as such you shiver then turn to look at me, yet look right through me into the next room. I smell for you. That scent which I long to embrace I search for, but do not find.
Then comes the cold.... icy breath and a cold so deep that burns my soul, I feel the darkness coming. And, I know it's time for me to go. Float away again I watch as you get smaller until finally out of sight, I find myself again sound and oblivious. If I were not awake within myself I would think I were dreaming.

Distracted

Into the warm pool of clear crystal inspiration, I waded in shoulders deep in all my nakedness and dipped my head beneath the surface of liquid educated theoretic ramblings. Pausing for a moment to hear the muffled noises of scattered voices full of choices.
Smiling to myself full of the thought, of thoughts, of what they thought, they must have.
So I swim from the shallow to find my mind some deeper in the darkness of the depths only to be distracted with the unforeseen and unwelcomed kiss of the manfish that lingers below. He tempts me to come and dance that watery dance with his singing chant for his loneliness needs its ease to find this temporary companionship. Playfully he swims toward the light of his chambers and I do not follow. Suspended in the liquid shadows I seem to have forgotten my journey, I pause looking left and right for some sign that might remind me of my intended venture... yet alas it is gone afloat to the surface to join the vocal vibrations of pondering speech that echoes through the rippling wet covers above me... where I do not want to return.
Neither this way nor that way I turn to follow the beckoning melody of the enchanted one that sings for me to come and find the pleasure that he keeps for me in safe chambers with silent bars.

Numb Paradise

It feels like morning in Spring... Still too cold and gray to call it Spring but you do anyway.
Soaking in the wet dew deep inside my skin, drenching my hair, settling in my eyes and totally absorbed by every follicle of myself that would feel the absorption if the cold and wet had not numbed me to the point of not feeling.
It crosses my mind that hypothermia is soon to take me, yet still I soak it all in until finally,,, becoming it,,, I can hold it. Hold it tight and long and somehow delay Spring all-together and remain trapped here in the lovely cold limbo.
Slow motion now, almost a halt, the dew continues to fall and I can reach out and catch it, touch it, change its direction,,, change its course, manipulate each molecule if I would. I play curiously with a few drops, then, watching them float away, I am secure that I now possess it enough to call it mine.
Closing my eyes I summon it more... more and more quickly, until it's finally a steady beating drizzle of a blissfully rainy morning. I don't even notice how frozen my fingers and limbs have become because now there is nothing to feel anyway... only the cold that I have become one with,, and that's all.
It has consumed me until I have in turn consumed it.
I close my eyes and listen to the beautiful rhythm of the liquid gray melody and for a moment find peace. It's a comfort that only the absence of everything can bring. A cold focus...
Breathe in and breathe out,,, the raindrops fall upon my skin and disappear instantly into my entirety. Breathe in again and feel the icy coolness hit my lungs and complete the portrait of my numb paradise... I am complete. I am at peace and finally, I am without pain.
A sudden warmth touches my face awakening me again to my surroundings and taking this cold solitude away from me brings me again.... aware. A tiny ray of sunlight invading this gray fortress I have conjured has in its simple and smallest entrance stopped everything. The rain falls in one abrupt motion then ceases as if time itself is no longer existent... I open my eyes slowly to the astounding revelation that I now can feel again.
That feel of all feels that I obsessively repeat on paper. That morbid reaching thriving vine that's wrapped so neatly grown around my heart over these years and with every moment,,, every heart beat,,, tears deeper and deeper,,, killing me silently with every miserable pump.
I begin to cry in the realization that there will never be a place or a time that I can be numb enough to keep you and your love from reaching my deepest insides and making me...................................................... feel.

Alone

A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...

When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there? 

BITE ME

Saturday, April 11, 2009 12:20 AM

Bite Me (Writing)
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

And so it goes once more around and turning up that silent sound, breaking through the muddy veil and peircing deep the driven nail, echo, bellow, yell and shout because this is what it's all about.... That silent scream, that red on gray, that bite, the blood, the hell you say!!! But it is and was and never will, yet still this blood just keeps it's spill, and why I let you bite me deep??? When you fucking will not stay your teeth! Yet fall and fall again and more while watching little friendly whores sweep and sway and hold your eye while I listen to your stupid lies, again again, this verse repeats then spills out words on empty sheets. And mad it seems I cannot be because I have no right you see, but love I know it cannot prove because true love it can't be moved, not by might not by will not even by blondish girlish frills. I may not have all that I thought but at least I know I have it bought. And sometimes love it can be jaded but at least I know I won't be traded. Why write about your deep desires then run it down on back road tires? Bury it deep around the bend and hope that message doesn't send! Oh yes I feel that these years are full... Swelling up begin to pull,,,, tearing gently at my ends and spilling out on new begins... and unravel out these loosened threads that sewn up the bite that bled your red. Let it out, let it bleed, let it pour in glassy weeds. Sinking deep into the earth to find it really had no worth, no right, no reason no sense to make, just stupid naive past by mistakes, to live and love and know the truth and wonder what it meant to you... and why the fuck it is I write, these words so much when you they fight, they come out, breath, become born in each and every time I mourn... And God I HATE to love you so and I really now must let go. I'm wasting time and love and peace on something that's not real to me. It never is, it never was,,, It never should have been because, you cannot make a love be true when the love you try to makes with you. You'll never find the one to last because your always looking past, for better, prettier, more and much, I'm never going to be enough. I cursed myself for late so long and wished I could be the perfect one, the one you'd want the one you'd need the one to feed that hungry greed. I wondered why I wondered how, what to change, to fix me how??? But now I see what I need to see, it's not that I have fixing needs,,, I'm fine I'm right I'm just not for you, but for a while it seems that I will do. Until the next one passes by to cooly catch your waving eye, then she will do you for a time then bore you and you'll wonder why... I must it seems end this routine and let you find more sporting means, someone else to take this pain and take that hateful bite you rain. And pass I into the world of life, where people just don't seem to bite. No silent dark kept crypts to lay no late night playful stalking prey, no immortal love to make, no softly tinted shades of gray,,,, It's funny how true red does cast,,, because in life there is no real Lestat.

Currently watching:
Queen of the Damned (Widescreen Edition)

Emptiness

Emptiness,,,
Stay busy, get more stuff, find new things to do, go, make, buy, eat, create, keep going....... just keep going.... slightly a step ahead of that deep dark black nothingness that is just within a glance across my shoulder...
Nothing can fill the void of what a touch, a caress, a kiss, passion and romance leaves in it's absence. You keep going, you keep busy, you keep trying to replace something that can never be replaced until you can't go anymore...
Memories of sweat, heat and blood... never replaced, just ingored until I drive myself crazy I guess.

Generalized

November 11, 2005

A generalized Idea...
Am I so common and not special that I have become a general feeling and a general memory... a general experience? So easily transformed into something that can be related to someone else.

I must shake this dark depression I have sunken within. Burying myself so deep that of course if I am common, I will be common.
Gone but not forgotten... just as the granite usually depicts ones life... In General... 
Beloved...
Missed......
... but still.. 
Gone...
To think that one's feelings for another could be so easily transferred to anyone as to be generalized.
Yes,,, it is a very depressing thought to know this is how you existed to someone.
I almost stole that from you...I conjured it in my head several times over the course of a couple of weeks... To just sneak inside and take it.. then put it here for all to see how that one time you wanted me... And ironic that fate would have it thrown in my face to show me... No... it was not so... it was a general idea. 
Perhaps it belongs to another now...Perhaps what once was mine now is someone else's.. making it more common.
Perhaps it is telling me something...Something I have not wanted to hear but must listen to at last...