I Think

I Think

Tap, Tap, at the door...
   ... Goes the psychobabble behind my brain, requesting an exit into this overcast existence.
  All its monotonous muttering and pacing about collecting its irrationalities in such a tidy organization just to be strewn frantically into the rest of the scraps humanity tosses about without recognition.
   And how insane it is in this insanity of scattered theoretics that looked so neatly drawn on the chalkboard of my membranes to be flying about frantically in the winds of madness...   ... So all along the wires of  my reasoning stretched tightly almost breaking, preferably should have been cut,
It seems it was madness all the while...

Time

May 3, 2010

Time

Time keeps ticking away,, everyday I watch it pass me by knowing how precious it is, I toss it aside every night with the rest of my garbage as if it meant nothing. I hear myself in my oh so convincing monotone voice saying over and over, "When I get to", "One Day I Will", "Things Will Be Different When", "If I Could Just Get To This Point Then",,, blah blah blah,,, same old shit I am forever telling myself to convince me or you or whoever that this is not all,,, there is more,,,, and I'm going to fix or change things,,, knowing that the only way to actually do that is to do it.
What keeps me from making that step? Is it the unknown? Perhaps it's more likely the "known" than the "unkown" I guess...
I want to so bad. Every minute, every breath, every breeze that brushes my face, every scent in the rain, in the sunshine, in the dark, in the morning, it comes with fog, it comes with storms, it comes with the warmth, it comes with the cold, it comes in every waking moment that my mind snaps back to reality and reminds me where I really am supposed to be. There it is... right in front of me,,, constantly in my brain never stoppping...
Like a ghost haunting my day and night.
Is it?

BleD

I feel you there, calling me deep into the night to fly away into that dark deep sky of black and beautiful quiet. The omnipresent echo that forever insanely whispers softly in my ear reminding me to never forget... never stop remembering. Constantly banging on the door of that not so cleaverly hidden room in my mind, the clanking of the chains ring out so loud that those around me hear and know the unspoken not so secret, secret, that constantly tortures my walking existence.
In the wind, in the night, in that silence that screams above the trees and through the clouds to find me from wherever you are so easily, as if just a thought can spread wings and find it's way through the darkness to land its whisper in my ear,,,, I hear you. I know you are there and just within my reach and yet, it's as if we are separated by an ocean of dark nothingness.
This thick summer air in all its heaviness takes it toll on me more and more with each sunset. Quietly I retire to slumber while my blood achingly pulsates throughout my entirety with the raging desire to throw back the window and submit,,, submit it says deep beneath my skin where only I can hear. The sweat on my skin, the sleepless toss and turn of torment, suddenly jumping awake to realize I drifted off again,,, to you... and it was just another dream that leaves me soaking wet with the slightest scent of you somehow still lingering from all that time ago when you touched me,,, kissed me,,, held me,,, bled me,,,, and all that fell in between that keeps me with you.... forever.

I Always Imagined I'd Be Buried

I always imagined I'd be buried...
With the many admonitions of said priest and his many hallowed requests to protect something which is no longer theirs.. I always wondered why.. Never understood and probably never will.
Last night while I lay with my eyes toward the ceiling as many sleepless nights that have passed, I recalled that feeling when remembering our journey into immortal nothingness that encompassed all that was chaos and the ever so contradictory peace that followed. I found myself remembering the feel of velvet linings of that dark wood which promised such sheltered sleep filled eternities together.
I have not forgotten it seems. Closing my eyes and picturing the candle lit chamber, I can almost smell the scents of gardenias and roses outside of my imaginary window. Heavy heat from the flames thicken the air falling silent on our sweat covered skin, I felt that sharp rapture again in the curve of my neck, on the bend of my wrist and again, on the soft silkiness of my thighs. Deep and red, spilling over into a dream of being buried together against the soft satin underpinnings of my conodrum I remember the soft feel of the shiny fabric against the cool hardness of jagged stone...
Opening my eyes to the sounds of mechanical mechanisms still so alien to my senses along with the eye prodding glow of iridescent light... I remember... I always imagined I'd be buried.
I roll over in a fetal position and wonder how it has come to me to be so lost and so unseen when I remember being so alive with you.