The Sacrifice

I have spent what seems like an Eternity,
Waiting to be found.
In a single instant, I am lost again.
Loosing myself so that I may be found.
The blade is hot, yet it sooths not my wounds.
Taking the knife to carve a perfect heart shape
Upon my chest.
The metal feels soothing to the pain.
The bloodloss brings relief.
Taking the bloody organ that pumps full with the life,
That I have grown so to hate.
With the hot blade, I divide it into two,
And watch the warm red liquid flow out into the cold,
Freezing and turning black,
Until the ice has covered the entire sacrifice,
Breaking and shattering into a million tiny ashy particles.
Pain and agony cover me,
And I die.
Falling into a dream.
The stiff organ between my legs.
Skin on skin.
Sweat and muffled noises.
I see us...
It's me,,, or it was me,,, when I was me.
Lips pressed against lips.
I can remember breathing you in.
I am drifting away now,
Falling even deeper into death,
Roses, candles, graveyards, and laughter,
Your reflection in my reflection,
Destracts my attention and I feel alive again.
Falling further into death,
Smiles, blood, touches, your hand in mine,
I lie with you doing nothing in perfect happiness,
Your arms feel as my arms,
And for the first time in forever I feel safe again.
Falling deeper into death.
All is darkness,,,
Quiet,,, Cold...
I wish I could put the two pieces back again.
To feel the warmth again...
... and I fall....

Church Bell

The Church Bell echoes in the distance,,, with each toll I feel that underlying message as the blood rushes from my heart leaving me witha cold sense of fear...
Hell is coming...
Another reminder that I walk around knowing that Death waits just around the corner of a turn I'm soon to make.

Blank Paper

Blank paper,,,
Invisible ink leaves a blood stained trail,
... eyes always watching me,
I know you're there,,,
Probing my thoughts, reading my secrets.
Finding the hidden message,
Which lies between the lines of lies.
Writing, writing, I write and write
Filling page after page,
Notebook upon notebook,
With inkless writings of nothing about everything,
Everything about nothing,
Nothing about something,,,
Something I need to say, but refuse.
Page after page, I write,
I write and you read,,,
Monotonous repetition of my condition.
I will hide it deeper,
So far inside the book,
That you will never find it ... me...
Deeper, deeper, so deep it seems
The page is blank.
The first word seems to be the last
And the last, the first, of nothing.
It's not a riddle nor a puzzle to solve.
Just a word between words
That you should not involve.
A gate just ahead,
Seems a quick escape before I'm discovered,
Running through these words,
Spilling ink and blood on the ground,,,
It's getting dark...
... I know you are here...
Your eyes pierce through me,
I feel them watching me.
Seeing me,,, here in darkness.
The gate seems an eternity away,
And will I pass the Keepers test?

Freedom from this dark place? 

Obsession

I just want you utterly and completely.
To be a part of you.
To become nonexistent as if I was but am no more, but as something else... something more.
I feel as if every breath I breathe is because of you. Almost as you are that energy which gives me the strength to take it. So that in a sense, you, are that which is, and causes life for me.
To be encompassed, obessessed, consumed, and enthralled. To lie in your blood and soak every drop of its red splendor into myself and become you, or vice versa. I would so as much love to slit my wrists and have you take me into you, so that I should become you.
I am captivated, mezmerized, intrigued, and infatuated with your every detail. I smell you and I breath you in and hold that scent so that I may never know any other scent. I see you, and I find your image etched inside my mind so that when I close my eyes, you are all I see.
I look into your eyes, and I become bewitched so that I am tormented in their absence and seek helplessly for the comfort that I find in them.
I feel you, and form an addiction to your touch that without I suffer and withdraw to the point I feel I might be dying.
I love you, to the point I would live a loveless life if not a loving life in your arms. A love that would be better to be alone and in love with a memory as to be with another and longing for that which I have not. I love you entirely and all I want is to be with you and to be as obessessed with you as I can be, for as long as forever will see it. 

The Moon

The moon in all it's brightness tonight cast that ever so dark light upon my soul, a feeling of falling. To be enough? To meet the expectations of the world and all that seem to find me shortcoming and insufficient.
I curse the moon and the day I found a dream in it. I would wish it to explode and fall into us destroying all that it brings it's lying promise to. The hope of the hopeless. The dream of those who sleep not. The breath of those who are buried.
The ever so gut wrenching truth that seems to stab me in the heart over and over after convincing myself otherwise stabs me again... I'm not good enough. A personal attack upon my person.
Will I ever be,,, for anyone? It's very doubtful. I should just accept the defeat and deminish into the shadow away from the moon rays and accept that almost etched in stone reallity that I am only common and unworthy. Instead I convince myself that I am special and beautiful, lying to myself in hopes that perhaps I am found worthy to bask in moonlight with the holy. Yet I stick out like a sore thumb, an ugly blemish on a world of beautiful women.
No more... I accept what and who I am. 

Melancholy

Forgive me my meloncholy, love, but I am lost yet again in another rainy day. I am enchanted with heaven's water fall, and so for a time shall I stay. Bewitched with this dance so that all that is in existence from me could pass away. But soon I shall return, for soon this dance will end, then to lifes bed I will again lay. And dream of rain and thunderstorms to come, and for their comfort pray.

Ash Hopper

It's an enchanting thing to bask in moonlight.
The nights when it shines so bright
That you can see everything
In that spellbinding glow.
To dance beneath the trees,
In and out of shadows
Disappearing into darkness
Then emerging again to rejoin the stars.
The grass beneath my feet
Watching the gentle breeze
In the willow as the moon
Breaks free and is seemingly
Only just beyond its swaying branches.
Almost close enough to touch.
The air filled with scents of autum,
And in the midnight whispers
Of chirping crickets and singing tree frogs.
It feels almost like a sheltered captivity
Comforting and protecting in the silence
Away from all mortal invasion...
And yet with a distinct awarness of discovery,,,
I am here...

A Literal Offense

Letter by letter, word by word, line by line, Until my inner self is spilt within these pages. ... and you mock me... This is me, here and now, a part of me, In each and every drop of this ink, .... and you belittle it... My feeling, my fear, my thoughts, Dreams, ambition, desires, all that is me, ... and you degrade it with iinsult... Perhaps in your mind poetry has messed me up. Perhaps I do live in lines of a poem. But I disagree... In my mind it is the poem that lives with me, I give it life and freedom with release, How dare you mock me... You do not have to accept me, It suffers me in the least. I would only hope to be seen for that which I am, And see you for that which you are. So why do you hide? Hiding away from me, When I am here in full view for you to persecute... Why is it,, that when you look at me,,, you don't look at me... When you look at me, you don't look at me?

A Writers Thoughts on Love

Love... an invention not yet invented yet demonstorized and terrorized by a society full of loveless entrepeneaurs Who are obsessed with it's possession.
"To own that which no one else has." 

Genie in a Bottle

Shadows, shadows on my wall...
I heard that song today,
Messing with my head, invading my mind with your memory.
A wonderful feeling to remember you, but painful enough to not do.
That song captivating me, releasing me from reallity to the place that used to be reallity with you.
The lights low, I feel your hands on my hips, as our bodies move rythmically and so perfectly together.
The music pulsating through the speakers, I look at you and smile and you laugh spinning me around.
I feel your hard chest against my back and now your hands move down my arms, holding my hands for a moment, then onto my waist... all the time moving to the music...
You whisper in my ear... telling me that I smell good...
And I think to myself how wonderful you smell...
I turn around to see your beautiful smile,,, and we take each others hands and continue to dance.
I remembered you holding me and how warm and inviting you were...
I remember your eyes, how they sparkled with life and love...
I remembered your smile, the way I looked for it when I entered the room, and nothing else mattered once I saw your face.
I remembered how crazy I was about you, and how beautiful you were to me.
I thought of you today....
I do often...
Rest in Peace my Beautiful Angel, I will remember you always. 

Mirrored Image

A sarcastic grin upon your lips, Blood upon your hands. Not mine, but mine, I and me, The mirrored image that you see. The hurtless hurt one that you bled, Layed in the dirt and left for dead. I knew you cut me, without the stick, I knew you fucked me, the fuckless dick. And now you kiss the lifeless hand, Thinking that your now a man. Knowing what it is I am, you know what I am not. I was and I can be but I won't, As I did and I should do but I don't, Allow your lying heart to touch,,, This reflection can so suit you much. So bleed and tear, rip and kill, Whatever does your black heart thrill, And I will remain within myself, Protected here upon this shelf. 

Idiots Murmer

A fool am I or should I say, The murmerings of an idiots part to play. Alone in the dark, for all to see, Thus I guess it's blind I be. I thought I was here, but it seems I am there, Yet again in the midst of nowhere. Just another day to be the end, The day that does not yet begin. Who are you there, and for what and why, Keep believing I believe your lies, And keep your expectations of me, The things you know you cannot be. Give and take, take and steal... Something that I thought was real. In the dark, alone and blind,,, But I can hear you in the night- Pretending that pretending lie... And the idiots murmering murmer I... 

I Believe

Searching... such a hopeless feeling to search for something that your not really for sure even exists. A monotonous sense of falling into nothingness.
Faith... is there such a thing, some wonder.. I do sometimes... maybe not if it exists, but what's it's purpose? Perhaps to build our hopes in someone or something only to be disappointed if not destroyed in the end, because we believed so much in something we had no proof of.
Yet we search for things that we have faith exists. Everyday hoping that our beliefs will be validated and what we believed will actually be true all because we have faith that it was so... and to know that we were right all along makes it all the more reason to believe in the things we choose to believe in...
I believe in destiny.. even though I have no proof to validate why I believe in it.. it's just a feeling.
I believe in fate... I believe everyone crosses paths in life for some reason, although it's up to us to not misinterpret the reasons for our coming together. Even though I can't tell you why I believe this,,, I believe it.
I believe in God... that we are all a part of something much more than we can comprehend exists, and that the human mind is capable of so much more than we could ever believe could be possible, because we are all a part of this higher conciousness, but we have yet to discover or "evolve" this higher conciousness.
I believe that life never ends... that we merely move from one state of being to another. That there is a beginning.. that we were all created from somewhere somehow.. and that our energy travels eternally in some form or another. Perhaps more so than we comprehend as well.
I believe in Love... that there is a love that we can all hold in our hearts for our fellow man/woman and love them without judgement or discrimination. I believe that there is a love within us if we choose to just allow ourselves to do so, that we can love everyone as we love ourselves, and accept everyone as we wish to be accepting no matter how hard it is to do.

I believe in you...

Yeah ramblings of a pshychofreakyjasonchick I know. Perhaps more suited for the BitchyWitchy blog as it doesnt seem at all part of my dark side.. but this is where it has landed and so I will keep it here..

Angel

Can I cut you? Was a thought in mind, a frustrated need to taste you, to have you, to feel you, and be you.
The need to release all that burns within me upon your skin, still overtakes me in great force.
My mouth waters, my skin sweats, my clit throbs, my heart beats, my wettness flows at the scent of you, a touch of you, the sight of you, the thought of you.
I close my eyes to dream of you, I open them to look for you, I calm my mind to think on you, you stir my thoughts just in your presence, when I am with you I block out everything else, when we are apart my focus is on the next time I shall be with you.
I consume myself with you, with your smell, your sight, your sound, your feel, every detail of your face, my hand upon it taking you in, running my fingers through your hair, feeling your lips beneath them, breathing you into me as every breath of life you exhale becomes a part of me, your strong shoulders as I rub my hand across them, the warmth of your side and your hip as we lay together looking into one anothers eyes and I explore your breathtakingly captivating features.
The hardness of you I feel against me as we lay closely hugged into one another, and I long to wrap you up and take you into me each and every time. I am warm with thoughts of you, of you and I together. Constantly in my mind, as if I'm obsessed, I am obsessed, and I long to be more so. To have you completely and entirely.
You give me life it seems, it seems you give me many things. You give me love, you give me happiness, you give me passion, desire, peace, tranquility, confidence, support, understanding, longing, hunger, comfort, fear, frustration, satisfaction, so many things you give me,, I believe you actually give me everything that anyone could ever recieve.
With you I am everything, without you I am nothing, with you I am complete, without you I am missing something, with you I am content, without you I am searching, with you I am found, without you I am lost.
I am at one extreme to the other. I am as high as I can be, and as happy as I have ever been, and without you I am fallen as low as possible, and more miserable than I could ever imagine.
With you I am,,, free... with you,,, anything is possible.
You are the most beatuiful thing I have ever known to exist in reallity.
And I am honored, gracious, thankful, and elated that I should have the fortune to experience such happiness in my lifetime, when others are so much less fortunate.
I love you, my Angel.

I Killed Myself Last Night

I killed myself last night.
That part which was most precious to me,
I tore it out and watched it bleed.
Then stole away to darkness.
Dreams haunted me after my self infliction.
I saw him, his eyes peircing through me,
My heart ached and my breath was taken away.
Running away from me when I needed him,
Yet I know that it is I that have fleed.
I woke this morning with an aching like no other.
I felt that part of me missing.
Sickening churning in my soul, I fight the urge to puke.
Guilt...
It tortures me today...
Following me, sticking me, reminding me that I hurt him.
Saddness,,,
I have felt it coming on stronger recently and now here the storm is here full force... yet I put myself there?
Why???
Because I don't want to hurt him..
Why should he suffer with me?
He deserves happiness, success, and love.
What am I?
The sky is covered with a grey veil this morning,
So very suiting to my mood..
Normally a calming to my mind and heart,
But today it is just a reminder of the gloom that hovers over me.
I feel cursed...
I would wish to seek out the witch who cast this curse on me, bleed her wicked heart, then drink that I may be so as she so as to not hurt anymore.
What is wrong with me?
That I would throw away happiness just to save happiness..
Maddness...
I feel it.. creeping slowly into my mind, reaking havock on my thoughts, poisoning my judgement, taking control of me...
Knowing the bad is moving to worse.. why would I put him here?
I do not deserve it... I am nothing...
I do not pity myself.. I hate myself.. the one I used to love lay within my heart, I grew to know her, to understand her, to love her,, myself..
And now such anger and despise I feel toward her...
Last night I wished to die..
To close my eyes and never wake from my sleep...
The thought of my life, and growing old, of knowing what my fate is... I wanted so much just to die...
I feel a curse but know that I have just cursed myself...
Loss,, I felt as if someone had died when I woke..
I felt as if I had died also..
I wish I had... 

Darkness

Why do you abandon me?
Now when I need you?
As usual, all there is to me is light...
I close the doors,
I close the windows,
I close my eyes... I close my mind;
Only to have you blinding me still.
Your wretched shinning raining down on me,,,
Do you not see that I hide?
You force me out of darkness,
A place I find comfort and solitude.
Into the uncomfort and restlessness...
Fucking shinning on me... how dare you!
If I had not sought this shadow I would have left it's wings...
Leave me,,, go now and let me wallow in pity and loneliness.
Let me weep in solitude and nonexistence.
I love it here,, I hate it when you show through the crevasses of my hole in the ground...
Intruding on my solice...
Quieting my silent screams....

So why do I miss you so?
Insanity to love this place, but miss that one..

I heard you knocking this morning...
begging me to rejoin the living.. I heard the knock..
And I did not answer although I loved the mere presence of you outside my hearts door.
Lingering here in the dark,,,
Hiding until you are gone...
I watch you leave... all along.. scared to death this will be the last time you knock at my door...
I curl up and hide again...
Waiting for the next time...
Wondering how long it will be until you knock again...
Or if you will...

The light slowly fades to darkness once more.. and I sleep again... 

Shower

I lay here in this steaming hot water and my mind as always is on you.
Your smile, your eyes, the way you laugh, the way you speak to me, the way you touch me.
Always spinning thinking about every detail of our time together and remembering you from my memory.
I lie flat on the floor of the tub with my ears slightly submersed in the water so that all sound is drowned from my ears, I hear the thunder of the running water beating down into the tub.
I remember us in the shower.
I was lying on the floor of your shower and you were above me, the shower raining down on us was cool because we had run out most of the hot water from our extended bathtime leading to other things.
Your long wet hair around me in that tarzanic style you carry so well.
I was so nervous but it was so invigorating. To have you touching me in places normally only I touch in the sanctity of the shower, in that situation, to be totally nude and exposed to you, I felt... free...
The radio singing a song that I never even paid attention to because all I could see was your blue eyes taking me in and I wanted to take you in so badly... all of you,,, in every way...
I reallize I am very turned on from this sensual memory of you... and I have to touch myself... the beating water echoes in my ears beneath the surface and I pull my legs up to me easing down to where faucet is set allowing the water to beat upon my freshly shaven lips I take my fingers spreading them apart so that my clit recieves the thundering pulse of warmth. I close my eyes..
I can see your eyes gazing at me as you do when you have your tongue on me there. I imagine you are there now...
Your hair resting on my thighs, on my stomach, with my hands and fingers tangled into it length as you kiss and slurp away between my slit
The water is filling in the tub minimizing the intensity of the flow upon my swollen spot and I am frustrated... lifting myself to the faucet it feels almost as if it's actually a head job, however nothing compared to the spit from your mouth and the flick of your tongue against my hardened clit, I am definately in full fantasy of your tongue teasing pleasure. The way you kiss me there soars through my brain as the pounding water is hitting just the right spot and I cum jerkingly into the water...
And I lay here missing you so...

The Wizard

I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy. 

My Friend Darkness

Welcome darkness,,, you may linger for your presence comforts me. I understand you for you are my understanding, and perhaps the only one who understands me. Painted upon the walls of my mind and echoing your hollow melodic chants in the shadows of my heart, I am happy you abide with me in this lonesome realm of no significance. My ever so faithful companion in a world of solitude, do not fear me for I fear you not, nay I fear you not. You are me... a piece of my soul separated somehow from this worthless body which I long to vacate. Somehow you have broken free and linger with me as my dark gardian of protection. My ever so loyal angel of the night who saves me. Yes you save me, everyday you save me from that in which I would become without you... like them. Routinely scurrying about a nonexistent endless day after day ritual of what is called living... an uneventful existence which doesn't really seem like existing at all to me.
The graveyard calls to me tonight... beckoning I hear the telepathic whispering in my mind to come and find peace with you, and I would love to go.
Restlessness in my heart, in my mind... I need your calming hymn of nothingness to soothe me in my weariness. Why do I need you so, as specially tonight? 

In My

I hear you in the shadows
Laughing behind my sight
Making faces in hiding places
In the whispers hints of delight
The sun is shining for once today
I emerge from darkness
Serenity sickening, death seems quickening
Morbid Peacefullness
Seeking solitude of my tomb
I must crawl away
Hide in melancholy, embracing the unholy,
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps this will be the day...
Perhaps...
I must crawl away...

Isolation

Knock Knock, who the fuck is there? Do you not see the sign? Don't you even care? knocking knocking how can you be so rude? Violation of my Isolation caught in the nude. Excuses you can puke on for desecrating my sanctum for the day, why the fuck won't you just GO AWAY!!! Shut the fuck up, I don't care what you need, will you just leave me alone so that I may fucking bleed. Where did the night go? What's up with this sun? Even mother nature seems to have me on the run... Go away daylight, I pray for the moon, I should have been here all along, locked inside this tomb. My time is running out, my isolation is ending, How can I steal more time to complete this comprehending. I want to run away, hide from all who can see, I wish to be invisible, or just not to be me. Darkness Darkness Darkness,,, I do so long, tell me Mr. Clock Maker,,, do you hear my song? Digging Digging Digging,,, I feel the shuffling in my mind, Secret place of solitude no longer mine... stolen, ripped away, opened without keys, do you not reallize who is really me? Keep myself to myself, my thoughts are my own, words are yours if I choose not to be alone, Crawling away hoping you don't follow, will you just go away so that I can fucking wallow? No not you, you not them, them not them, but those, those wretched mortals, who think that they know. Many people in the lines of this crap, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I love you, I need you but I don't, sometimes I just want to be alone. I know you are there I still feel you with me, patiently awaiting the return of my sanity. I wish you could understand how fucked up I am, It's not you it's me, psychobabbling Sam.. all the puzzle peices strown on the ground, do you know they will not be found? Ringing Ringing the phone is ringing in the other room,,, who the fuck is that,,, entering my tomb? Ring mother fucker for all that you can, I will ignore your ringing in this forsaken land... forsaken yes, desperate feeling of old, nothing for you, I have always felt cold. I had a dream last night, of being alone. I'm waiting for a bus that doesn't ever come. I search for a way out, but there is none, I sit there all day tortured by the sun. I don't understand why, when the bus brought me here, I see it on the hill on the horizon, but it doesn't draw near, It's parked and empty the driver is inside, and I cannot get off the hill in which I hide. I see my family,,, I follow them to a building, many rooms inside I know my help lies within, I knock on many doors but no answer or reply, I know you are in there so why do you hide, will you not help me, anyone in here? If I didn't want you, then you would be near. Waiting to assist, longing to comfort me, but in my time of need, you are no where to be. I knock and knock on every door there, yet no one comes to answer my prayer. Back to reallity the phone is ringing again, who the fuck is on the other end? I will never know because I will not pick it up,,, so whoever you are shut the fuck up!  

Who Am I

I walk amongst you everyday
Yet I am no where that you are
I talk to you, I hear you speak,
But your words grace not my heart,
I know your name, I know your face,
I forget you when you are gone,
I see you unrecognizingly pass,
I hear the music I know not the song.
My heart beats the same as yours
Yet my blood is much thicker still,
Giving my all to save what means nothing
I suffer that you may heal...
Suffering crying, painfully aware
Your smiling your laughing your happiness
I'm satisfied to see you so
In all of your thoughtlessness.
Pushed aside forgotten and alone
I hold you up in all your glory
Haunted by nightmares fullfilling your dreams
Happy ending your fairytale story
For all that matters now is you...
You forget who I am as so do I,
Every moment your hate feeds off my love,
Your living each moment I die...
Who Am I? 

Wizard

I long to drink from you mouth, withold your kiss from me and give me what it is you drink instead. Open your lips and pour your already warmed drink into my accepting mouth. My mouth waters in anticipation of the already enjoyed fluid which has tickled your tastebuds. I feel you... the hair on your chest curled upon my fingers, your arm so warm beneath my fingertips as I glide them across your skin, up to your neck which waits so patiently for my sinking kiss. I pause upon the vein which so beckons me and feel the blood pulsing beneath your inviting skin, and again my mouth waters. Our hands fit so perfectly together, entwined fingers dance a dance that seems practiced for many lifetimes. Your eyes in mine, what are you searching for... stop searching for you have already found me, I am here why can't you see me? Or do you fear to see me? I love you,,, I feel it when I look at you, I feel it when you look at me. An addiction to your touch I have acquired somehow. I long for it when we are apart. And now so desperately I am without you to the point I feel I can't go on. My soulmate, flesh of my flesh, my immortal love, we vowed to continue this dance even in death. I see you in the darkness,,, above me with your eyes fixed upon mine so intensely as our bodies come together in a fevered passion... lust... a funny thing to experience such an emotion that accompanies love but has nothing to do with it. I do love you... but I lust you as much. I see your wizard... his long beard beside me... bracing my hands above my head as your thrusts become harder... I bite on the wizard's hat, hoping to draw your blood, to feel your bittersweet nectar upon my lips would be heaven to me right now. Silver links between my teeth... The steel cool and metallic upon my tongue,,, silver links. You shake and you jerk,,, quivering collapsing upon me, I am happy, childishly happy. 

I Hate This Place

I hate this place, I don't even want to be here.
All the scents of stagnant life
Filling my nose with its dull stinch.
Poisoning every molecule of my being
With it's coroding existence.
Decay all around me...
How can you live like this?
There's no music...
Only the sounds of your pathetic attempts
To pretend you actually enjoy existing.
Where am I anyway...
Please tell me this is not what I was born for...
There must be something more than this.
What a waste...
How can you walk around pretending you're someone
Somewhere that you aren't...
How can you expect to know me when
You don't even know yourself..
God I hate this place..
Everything here is a Lie...
Nothing is for real, not no one, not anything,
Pieces of imagination floating around on imagination,
Endless idiocy repeating the same mummery.
Blind conceptions of what should be a beautiful thing
Twisted, manipulated, purposely beclouded in deceptions,
To be so ordinary, so bland, and without virtue
That you should pass it and not even know it is there.
That you should possess it and not even know it is yours.
That you should deny it and not even know of your misfortune...
I hate this place... 

Graveyard

Thinking about us alone together in the graveyard...
Cold granite, warm skin, soft lips, hard masculintiy..
My mind is racing with tantalizing consiousness of you..
The scent of peaceful quiet and foreverness,
The stillness quieting my thoughts.. all along your entire presence quiets my spirit and this neverending restlessness that haunts me...
Just to have you near me,,, so still is my heart...
Almost as death that is around us.. so am I, at long last..
I am comforted,,, a undenied sense of my own mortality,
Yet in your kiss I am Immortal,
Sands of time spilling, falling, seeping through my hands,
I once fumbled to catch it, to hold, to keep it safe,
Now I long to feel it slipping through my fingers,
With this newfound intoxication, to experience every grain of sand, in every moment that consists of you,
I watch the sand disappear into forever away from me
Knowing that it is beautiful, and I am no longer sad to see it go...
For with every particle that I allow to pass out of my reach, I make room for more, even more precious and more full of life than the other.
If I do not let it go, then I make no room for others,
Each passing day is a new beginning of a different life..
Every morning is a start of what will soon be the end..
And I long to cherish every moment that may pass through my fingers... and memorize each piece, forever holding it in my memory.. but only in my memory...
It must be set free..
Just as you make me feel when we are together.. free..
And I will remember all of these moments,,
Be it simple to complex converstations,
Moments wrapped in passion or maybe even tender touches amongst the stone markers..
I will remember you..