12/6/2005
The voice of knowledge, a practical guide to inner peace, Yet is there such a thing?
Tumbling over and about in my brain with the other bumbling irrationalities that my fertile membrane gives birth to.
She walks in darkness, and he is falling, and all I want is to suck it up.
Hands gentle upon mine as we journey together, but are we together?
The lights of the preconceived adventure gives me hope, yet my faith has fallen.
"I am not enough", still slapped in the face with that reality of inadequacy. Did I spell that right? Inadequacy? Oh well, what the hell does it matter?
Deck the halls and fa la la, and hope that death will find them all, in all their bleeding smiling pretending, and hope that deep wound soon starts mending.
I spent it all out onto the floor and watched it slither to the door, curl away as quick as born, and yet for it I have not mourned.
Lover's bleed and wish to sleep, yet search for it in another's keep, away from the one they hold so dear to set them free from nothing real.
Pushed away and pushed away, conceiving what I did that day, why push away that which you wish, and pretend it all the better fit?
Does this make sense? I hope not so, because I do not wish to know. And yes, the blood repeats itself, but only from my former self.
Cut it deep and smell the scent, and wonder how the hell it went, forgot, away, in some dismay, to sing that lullaby for the day.
I searched the books and found not one, that read the story I had done, the smell of ink and binding thread, almost cool as if it dead.
But there I lay in the veiled chamber bed, perceived in love and getting head. Then spit the fluid of my lust upon the sheets in a heated thrust.
And slept again at last in peace, to wake in morbid saddened grief.
How is it that I come so far, to fall upon this broken jar, and cut my throat with the thick glass, then bleed to death in all this trash?
And I end it here...
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Lost in Insomnia
And here it is again I find, it's 3 am and the clock keeps time.
Tock and tick in crunching clicks, the metal gears, screech on bleeding ears.
Rumble through the house of the night where the shadow falls in silent quiet.
Feel the cold and hold the heft, and watch the fading of what's left.
I feel my flesh begin to fall away, with every silent sweet display.
Take what you will, and leave the rest, for life is just a morbid mess.
It was never mine to live you see, yet sustenance for others misery.
With every sway, I watch it slip away, and stare into nothingness, as if I had a day.
And what of love, that breath of life, the only time I felt alive.
It is as well, lost in hell, forgotten someplace between a place I fell.
But OH how I pray for longing sleep to find me in deathly peace,
For once dreams found me so easily, now turn to dust and insanity.
Looking out at my surrounding full of grays and shadows,,,
That sickening every present awareness that in this world tonight, there is nothing red at all.
Tock and tick in crunching clicks, the metal gears, screech on bleeding ears.
Rumble through the house of the night where the shadow falls in silent quiet.
Feel the cold and hold the heft, and watch the fading of what's left.
I feel my flesh begin to fall away, with every silent sweet display.
Take what you will, and leave the rest, for life is just a morbid mess.
It was never mine to live you see, yet sustenance for others misery.
With every sway, I watch it slip away, and stare into nothingness, as if I had a day.
And what of love, that breath of life, the only time I felt alive.
It is as well, lost in hell, forgotten someplace between a place I fell.
But OH how I pray for longing sleep to find me in deathly peace,
For once dreams found me so easily, now turn to dust and insanity.
Looking out at my surrounding full of grays and shadows,,,
That sickening every present awareness that in this world tonight, there is nothing red at all.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Why
Pull me down again into the soft candlelit coffin of my miserable ecstasy. There to lie in written pen with all the blood spilled from deep within. Carrying away in that pitch black slumber to all the places my mind which find me with you over and over,,, in fallen leaves and radiant sunlight that I shall never see again, less my heart fall even further into nothingness with you. Watch it trickle black... washed away with the autumn rain that beckons me to remember... And how you do so love the miserably darkened hollow shell you've created of my once were's... and that is why you do it.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Feel The Feel
November 8, 2005
"Can I cut you?" Is what I said,
Then heard the echo of the dead.
Memory invades this dark intent,
And a brief moment of pure content.
Sends me back away from pain,
To begin the journey once again.
I spread my legs to touch the place,
That your soft lips so loved to taste.
Warm and wet as my ache did pound,
To feel that feel of going down,
Falling deep, lost in the dark,
I imagine each beat of that little heart.
Pound away with each tongue tease,
Thrusting with that yearning need.
In and out and back once more,
To be all that you knew was yours.
Spreading wide to take you in,
And feel the feel upon my skin,
Escaping out and seep away,
And know I will now so decay.
Falling deeper, into the ground,
And suddenly there is no sound.
Full of feel, I long release,
Pray this ache somehow does cease.
Yet in darkness pain much real,
I long to feel that painful feel.
"Can I cut you?" Is what I said,
Then heard the echo of the dead.
Memory invades this dark intent,
And a brief moment of pure content.
Sends me back away from pain,
To begin the journey once again.
I spread my legs to touch the place,
That your soft lips so loved to taste.
Warm and wet as my ache did pound,
To feel that feel of going down,
Falling deep, lost in the dark,
I imagine each beat of that little heart.
Pound away with each tongue tease,
Thrusting with that yearning need.
In and out and back once more,
To be all that you knew was yours.
Spreading wide to take you in,
And feel the feel upon my skin,
Escaping out and seep away,
And know I will now so decay.
Falling deeper, into the ground,
And suddenly there is no sound.
Full of feel, I long release,
Pray this ache somehow does cease.
Yet in darkness pain much real,
I long to feel that painful feel.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
The Fall
How to stop,
That sudden drop,
Hanging over the dark green clover...
I knew it wouldn't last.
And what of red??
That shade of dead,
That covered me when red I bled...
And it too fell to past.
And so down,,,
In silent sound,
Falling that fall I fall so profound,
I shall fall happily.
Deeply it seems,,,
I'm all silent screams,
Into the blackest of blind dreams,,,
To die quietly.
That sudden drop,
Hanging over the dark green clover...
I knew it wouldn't last.
And what of red??
That shade of dead,
That covered me when red I bled...
And it too fell to past.
And so down,,,
In silent sound,
Falling that fall I fall so profound,
I shall fall happily.
Deeply it seems,,,
I'm all silent screams,
Into the blackest of blind dreams,,,
To die quietly.
Friday, November 8, 2013
The Bitter Lovers
The dawn brought death,
The night did fly,
And as I lie and cry for you to die,
I saw you dead.
Your pretty head,
This poem, I read,
And so you said,
"Bury me deep into the night"
In which I did with much delight,
Into the dark and cold so quiet.
Then covered you, I, in rich soil,
So sooner would your body spoil.
Thus began, your corpse to rot,
And feed the earth, from with your plot,
To spring a rose bush from the ground,
To cover me and pull me down,
Beneath the earth to your death bed,
To lie beside your pretty head.
I held you to my bosom near,
And read this poem for you to hear.
Upon your love, I once more cried,
To join my Love... and so I died.
The night did fly,
And as I lie and cry for you to die,
I saw you dead.
Your pretty head,
This poem, I read,
And so you said,
"Bury me deep into the night"
In which I did with much delight,
Into the dark and cold so quiet.
Then covered you, I, in rich soil,
So sooner would your body spoil.
Thus began, your corpse to rot,
And feed the earth, from with your plot,
To spring a rose bush from the ground,
To cover me and pull me down,
Beneath the earth to your death bed,
To lie beside your pretty head.
I held you to my bosom near,
And read this poem for you to hear.
Upon your love, I once more cried,
To join my Love... and so I died.
Dead Metaphor
November 17 2005
An inescapable mental torment as the mussitation of that dead metaphor whispers that morbid whisper incessantly...
"You're Heart is Broken..."
And oh how I felt the blow that bellowed the echo of that heart shattering thud throughout my entire body,,, that deep, almost buried sound that shook me from my seat and made me stand to inspect the security of my surroundings.
I knew something wasn't right, yet I tried to convince myself it was nothing. Walking away in denial, while in my chest, that distinct fracture slowly begins to cobweb out as ice covering a puddle splits outward when stepped upon.
Each crack quietly giving birth to another crack, and another, then another, until my heart is covered completely with it's fragility.
Barely pieced together, each blood pulsing pump shakes the surface pieces releasing bits and crumbs into nothingness,,, and I pretend that everything is normal.
But it is not normal...
I should rip the tainted seed from it's shell and bury it amongst the dead,,, without life, without feeling, without .... love...
Alas, how it angers me that I would allow this personal demolition of my emotional body, though I know, demolition is the only resolution to the decay of this dead structure.
Perhaps I enjoy the condemnation... perhaps, every moment spent in rot contends me?
Why else would I deny each piece that falls away, was ever there to begin with? Why else would I deceive myself so that I could continue the suffering?
... why do I allow myself to suffer?
An inescapable mental torment as the mussitation of that dead metaphor whispers that morbid whisper incessantly...
"You're Heart is Broken..."
And oh how I felt the blow that bellowed the echo of that heart shattering thud throughout my entire body,,, that deep, almost buried sound that shook me from my seat and made me stand to inspect the security of my surroundings.
I knew something wasn't right, yet I tried to convince myself it was nothing. Walking away in denial, while in my chest, that distinct fracture slowly begins to cobweb out as ice covering a puddle splits outward when stepped upon.
Each crack quietly giving birth to another crack, and another, then another, until my heart is covered completely with it's fragility.
Barely pieced together, each blood pulsing pump shakes the surface pieces releasing bits and crumbs into nothingness,,, and I pretend that everything is normal.
But it is not normal...
I should rip the tainted seed from it's shell and bury it amongst the dead,,, without life, without feeling, without .... love...
Alas, how it angers me that I would allow this personal demolition of my emotional body, though I know, demolition is the only resolution to the decay of this dead structure.
Perhaps I enjoy the condemnation... perhaps, every moment spent in rot contends me?
Why else would I deny each piece that falls away, was ever there to begin with? Why else would I deceive myself so that I could continue the suffering?
... why do I allow myself to suffer?
Red Rush
Ahhhhhh, there you are again. I suppose you thought it clever to sink so quietly into built in sullen shadows collectively arranged within the corridors of my mind, created intently to be hidden from others but myself and my Me.
Heavy, I feel the sway, as if a tilt in the tide, sweeping through my knowing and rushing into reality. That deep red rush of all that makes that gray decay alive again. Alive, yes breathing, but always the cold quiet silence, still wrapped in eloquent blossoms of that tender vine that ever reaches its length tight around me. Around and around, twine to skin, extending and growing into crevices that even I am not aware.
Awake again, to release that so sweet dark decadence, to pulsate in tormenting awareness of savage inherent compulsion to feed... and search I in these nights, for prey.
Copyright©2013Angela Vaden all rights reserved
Heavy, I feel the sway, as if a tilt in the tide, sweeping through my knowing and rushing into reality. That deep red rush of all that makes that gray decay alive again. Alive, yes breathing, but always the cold quiet silence, still wrapped in eloquent blossoms of that tender vine that ever reaches its length tight around me. Around and around, twine to skin, extending and growing into crevices that even I am not aware.
Awake again, to release that so sweet dark decadence, to pulsate in tormenting awareness of savage inherent compulsion to feed... and search I in these nights, for prey.
Copyright©2013Angela Vaden all rights reserved
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Secret Kiss
November 16 2005
Oh, you, wretched object of my obsession.
I curse the day, I with thee, became enchanted...
This spinning spell consumes, deludes, and confuses.
Sit in vigilant observance,
To the decay of my perseverance.
Not the one I once was, but am the one I have become.
I have doomed myself to eternal torment,
And smile in the pleasure of it all.
The secret kiss I have for thee awaits the secret place.
Insanity compels the empty skull to think,
All the while aware of my crazed possession.
That ancient drum beats steadily between my legs,
In the darkness of this madness.
Slippery hands, slippery lips, covered in that secret kiss...
I lie awake in dreams of thee,
Pushing my mind further into insanity..
Oh, you, wretched object of my obsession.
I curse the day, I with thee, became enchanted...
This spinning spell consumes, deludes, and confuses.
Sit in vigilant observance,
To the decay of my perseverance.
Not the one I once was, but am the one I have become.
I have doomed myself to eternal torment,
And smile in the pleasure of it all.
The secret kiss I have for thee awaits the secret place.
Insanity compels the empty skull to think,
All the while aware of my crazed possession.
That ancient drum beats steadily between my legs,
In the darkness of this madness.
Slippery hands, slippery lips, covered in that secret kiss...
I lie awake in dreams of thee,
Pushing my mind further into insanity..
RedOnGray
October 30 2005
I am happy to be here with you. Here in this place where I am all alone. Poisoning my mind, you, peculiar memory that seems to linger as a disease that has no cure. I cut my wrists today, just to see the color red and taste the bittersweet essence of life upon my tongue. A beautiful dark shade against all of this gray and nothingness. Sitting there watching the splatters on the ground create a beautiful work of art. At first in vibrant glossy color and then eventually drying to dark almost black in this darkness as I lingered there watching, unable to move my eyes from it. I reached out to feel it upon my fingertips as if to prove to myself it does actually exist. I felt the crust of it's dryness and in saddness I withdrew my touch.
I am happy to be here with you. Here in this place where I am all alone. Poisoning my mind, you, peculiar memory that seems to linger as a disease that has no cure. I cut my wrists today, just to see the color red and taste the bittersweet essence of life upon my tongue. A beautiful dark shade against all of this gray and nothingness. Sitting there watching the splatters on the ground create a beautiful work of art. At first in vibrant glossy color and then eventually drying to dark almost black in this darkness as I lingered there watching, unable to move my eyes from it. I reached out to feel it upon my fingertips as if to prove to myself it does actually exist. I felt the crust of it's dryness and in saddness I withdrew my touch.
Need
October 28, 2005
I felt that warm invitation upon my skin. That soft question piercing the follicles, raising the hairs on the back of my neck, sending a shiver across my back. My nipples harden beneath my blouse and I feel my chest rise insinuating that need to be touched. Is it such an unorthodox thing to touch myself I wonder. But I don't care for the answer. In this moment the only thing that interests me is the bulging nodule protruding the crevaces of my womanhood. It aches that deep dark ache that pulsates the stream of silky smooth intoxication, calling for release from the silent sound of that beating drum of extacy. Writhing beneath the sheets, seeking an escape from the inevitable nightly endeavor to be disburdened.... I remember you.
I felt that warm invitation upon my skin. That soft question piercing the follicles, raising the hairs on the back of my neck, sending a shiver across my back. My nipples harden beneath my blouse and I feel my chest rise insinuating that need to be touched. Is it such an unorthodox thing to touch myself I wonder. But I don't care for the answer. In this moment the only thing that interests me is the bulging nodule protruding the crevaces of my womanhood. It aches that deep dark ache that pulsates the stream of silky smooth intoxication, calling for release from the silent sound of that beating drum of extacy. Writhing beneath the sheets, seeking an escape from the inevitable nightly endeavor to be disburdened.... I remember you.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Context
People take things out of context sometimes when that is all you see, it's hard to judge the big picture.
I am a very open minded person. I do love freely and I do accept people easily and I do not judge. I've grown over the years and learned that people change and that you can't expect people to stay the same or else they cannot grow. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am very opinionated yet very guarded in many aspects. I speak before thinking, I stick my foot in my mouth a lot. I sometimes say things that come out wrong and seem offensive but I would be the last person to want to purposely offend someone ever. I come off flirty when I'm trying to establish communication positively because I'm worried about being perceived wrongly, thus I am still perceived wrongly anyway. I'm confident on a lot of levels and forget that others are not and sometimes forget that content can be offensive to those who have different views and forget that just because something is appropriate to me, may not be to others. Yet I'm also insecure and find it hard to reveal myself emotionally and physically until I trust you and feel safe enough to feel secure with you. I stumble, I'm unorganized, I have horrible people skills and sometimes come off as rude even though I'm not at all, I just have a hard time getting my words out in the way they are supposed to be, I'm bad about being short and to the point when I'm in a hurry but I'm not trying to be short or mean it's just the situation and is interpreted as rudeness. I sometimes avoid situations rather than deal with them,,, but when I am ready to deal with them I can resolve any problem. I do not like feeling like I CAN'T do something, I will over reach and move mountains just to prove that I CAN... yet I feel like I cannot do anything. I have a hard time connecting but when I do connect with you, regardless of male or female, it's a deep connection that I feel no matter how far away, what paths are chosen or if I see you everyday or never again. Almost anyone who knows or meets me can see these traits very easily.
However, when it comes to deep feelings that are difficult to share with others, only a few know the real me, what I hide, what guides my creativity and makes me feel like I must always do better, what tortures me, inspires me, scares me, haunts me and what it's all about. The ones that do, understand and accept that the torment is just part of my character. But when the inspiration behind everything that has made me, ME and inspires all that I am, all that I long for and all that obsesses that desire in me to create and be "me" is always the one person that doubts it all... It kind of puts it into perspective why its such a tormenting fall that I continue to suffer and seems will for always since it seems like I've been falling for forever. I could care less what opinions people form about me, but it's everything to me what the one person who seems to not get me thinks about me.
I'd give anything if there were a way for me to open up my head and let you see everything inside it and not be scared of what you would have to say about it. At some point, you are going to have to accept me unconditionally with all my flaws, without doubt and with understanding, if you are ever going to be able to feel my love for you and it be real. Or else, it's still just the way you want me to be and not who I really am and there is no way I can be anything other than what I am. I will always disappoint you if you think I'm someone I'm not. I will always disappoint you if I try to be something I'm not. I will always disappoint you if you think I'm perfect. I will disappoint you sometimes if you realize I'm human, I'm me, but I love you and I am not going anywhere and I will always belong to you.
I am a very open minded person. I do love freely and I do accept people easily and I do not judge. I've grown over the years and learned that people change and that you can't expect people to stay the same or else they cannot grow. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am very opinionated yet very guarded in many aspects. I speak before thinking, I stick my foot in my mouth a lot. I sometimes say things that come out wrong and seem offensive but I would be the last person to want to purposely offend someone ever. I come off flirty when I'm trying to establish communication positively because I'm worried about being perceived wrongly, thus I am still perceived wrongly anyway. I'm confident on a lot of levels and forget that others are not and sometimes forget that content can be offensive to those who have different views and forget that just because something is appropriate to me, may not be to others. Yet I'm also insecure and find it hard to reveal myself emotionally and physically until I trust you and feel safe enough to feel secure with you. I stumble, I'm unorganized, I have horrible people skills and sometimes come off as rude even though I'm not at all, I just have a hard time getting my words out in the way they are supposed to be, I'm bad about being short and to the point when I'm in a hurry but I'm not trying to be short or mean it's just the situation and is interpreted as rudeness. I sometimes avoid situations rather than deal with them,,, but when I am ready to deal with them I can resolve any problem. I do not like feeling like I CAN'T do something, I will over reach and move mountains just to prove that I CAN... yet I feel like I cannot do anything. I have a hard time connecting but when I do connect with you, regardless of male or female, it's a deep connection that I feel no matter how far away, what paths are chosen or if I see you everyday or never again. Almost anyone who knows or meets me can see these traits very easily.
However, when it comes to deep feelings that are difficult to share with others, only a few know the real me, what I hide, what guides my creativity and makes me feel like I must always do better, what tortures me, inspires me, scares me, haunts me and what it's all about. The ones that do, understand and accept that the torment is just part of my character. But when the inspiration behind everything that has made me, ME and inspires all that I am, all that I long for and all that obsesses that desire in me to create and be "me" is always the one person that doubts it all... It kind of puts it into perspective why its such a tormenting fall that I continue to suffer and seems will for always since it seems like I've been falling for forever. I could care less what opinions people form about me, but it's everything to me what the one person who seems to not get me thinks about me.
I'd give anything if there were a way for me to open up my head and let you see everything inside it and not be scared of what you would have to say about it. At some point, you are going to have to accept me unconditionally with all my flaws, without doubt and with understanding, if you are ever going to be able to feel my love for you and it be real. Or else, it's still just the way you want me to be and not who I really am and there is no way I can be anything other than what I am. I will always disappoint you if you think I'm someone I'm not. I will always disappoint you if I try to be something I'm not. I will always disappoint you if you think I'm perfect. I will disappoint you sometimes if you realize I'm human, I'm me, but I love you and I am not going anywhere and I will always belong to you.
Bloody Release
I didn't want to bring you here, deep into that dark epiphany of my psychosis, tangled in the chaos of my reasoning, but here you are, and I have yet to discover the intention of your presence here. I feel the wires of my sanity tightly weaving around my nakedness, housing that most sensitive of sensual spots. Tighter and tighter the wire becomes, cutting into my flesh, releasing the blood that begs even more for your torture. And all that fills my mind is the thought of "more". So here I hang in nothingness, tightly suspended within myself, knowing that I would have it no other way...Silently begging for you to relieve me. Suddenly, I feel that breath taking release as the blood covered metal spreads, revealing that dark place that I've reluctantly hid from you. And you are now a part of me. Soft yet hard, as your rhythm rushes my senses, a rhythm that sends me my death,,, death only better... And I feel that last bit of me that was real fade away. And it is forgotten... Thrust upon thrust, steadily dancing in my suspension, I feel very much connected to your darkness. Finally as I feel every molecule of your existence tighten in that passionate release, filling me with your vitality,,, I am reborn. And I know now why I loved you.
Copyright©Angela Vaden all rights Reserved
Copyright©Angela Vaden all rights Reserved
Friday, November 1, 2013
Felt
Cold colors of browns and shades of gray, again with their unexpected and unannounced inconvenient fall on feathered whispers of dark descent. Oh how regretful to see you again, standing so boldly, as if to mock me with ill intent of your intentions to simply appear and leave again.
And yet you linger... in miserable fumbling in realization that your quest to quickly cover my decay in solemn silence has lost it's dramatic overtones, as the sudden scents of metallic melancholy capture your senses yet again and drag you in to dark red oblivion to rest in silence and dark company along with me, my sweet delicious love... Prey is the sweetest of all that is felt whilst upon preying. And I need you more now than ever... Deep, dark and rich with life to fill me again to last through this winter. Won't you stay my sweet? Of course you will.
And yet you linger... in miserable fumbling in realization that your quest to quickly cover my decay in solemn silence has lost it's dramatic overtones, as the sudden scents of metallic melancholy capture your senses yet again and drag you in to dark red oblivion to rest in silence and dark company along with me, my sweet delicious love... Prey is the sweetest of all that is felt whilst upon preying. And I need you more now than ever... Deep, dark and rich with life to fill me again to last through this winter. Won't you stay my sweet? Of course you will.
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