Numb Paradise

It feels like morning in Spring... Still too cold and gray to call it Spring but you do anyway.
Soaking in the wet dew deep inside my skin, drenching my hair, settling in my eyes and totally absorbed by every follicle of myself that would feel the absorption if the cold and wet had not numbed me to the point of not feeling.
It crosses my mind that hypothermia is soon to take me, yet still I soak it all in until finally,,, becoming it,,, I can hold it. Hold it tight and long and somehow delay Spring all-together and remain trapped here in the lovely cold limbo.
Slow motion now, almost a halt, the dew continues to fall and I can reach out and catch it, touch it, change its direction,,, change its course, manipulate each molecule if I would. I play curiously with a few drops, then, watching them float away, I am secure that I now possess it enough to call it mine.
Closing my eyes I summon it more... more and more quickly, until it's finally a steady beating drizzle of a blissfully rainy morning. I don't even notice how frozen my fingers and limbs have become because now there is nothing to feel anyway... only the cold that I have become one with,, and that's all.
It has consumed me until I have in turn consumed it.
I close my eyes and listen to the beautiful rhythm of the liquid gray melody and for a moment find peace. It's a comfort that only the absence of everything can bring. A cold focus...
Breathe in and breathe out,,, the raindrops fall upon my skin and disappear instantly into my entirety. Breathe in again and feel the icy coolness hit my lungs and complete the portrait of my numb paradise... I am complete. I am at peace and finally, I am without pain.
A sudden warmth touches my face awakening me again to my surroundings and taking this cold solitude away from me brings me again.... aware. A tiny ray of sunlight invading this gray fortress I have conjured has in its simple and smallest entrance stopped everything. The rain falls in one abrupt motion then ceases as if time itself is no longer existent... I open my eyes slowly to the astounding revelation that I now can feel again.
That feel of all feels that I obsessively repeat on paper. That morbid reaching thriving vine that's wrapped so neatly grown around my heart over these years and with every moment,,, every heart beat,,, tears deeper and deeper,,, killing me silently with every miserable pump.
I begin to cry in the realization that there will never be a place or a time that I can be numb enough to keep you and your love from reaching my deepest insides and making me...................................................... feel.

Alone

A world full of millions of people
Yet we are all still alone
How is it that there are so many of us
Yet we all feel as if we have no one.
Even those of us who have others near us,
We seem to suffer the most in this contradiction.
We have loved ones, family, lovers, friends...
Yet we have no one at all.
What is it about people that makes us feel so separated from one another?
When if we open our hearts and our minds we would see that we are all so much more a part of one another than we reallize...
If we could each one grasp the concept that we are all a part of each other,
Disregarding race, gender, lifestyles, culture, etc.
And acknowledge that we are together,
Then perhaps that neverending hole of loneliness would disappear.
Perhaps we would reallize that our neighbor is in fact what we are,,,
To be alone in a world full of lonely people... how ironic.
No this is not a poem, and I didnt really feel like ranting or cursing or any of that dark silent screams that seem to spill out from this keyboard when I sit behind it...
But I did feel like just speaking for a moment..
I've been reading blogs..
And I guess the one thing that I see that we all have in common is how separated we all feel from everyone else... So we come here,,,
We release our thoughts that we feel we cannot share with anyone because we feel unacknowledged, unaccepted, misunderstood, or not understood at all... and a sense of loneliness.
We are not alone..
I am not alone..
You are not alone...

When will we accept each other and in turn be accepted and finally feel unalone?
If you reach out for me you will find me..
If I reach out for you, will you be there? 

BITE ME

Saturday, April 11, 2009 12:20 AM

Bite Me (Writing)
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life

And so it goes once more around and turning up that silent sound, breaking through the muddy veil and peircing deep the driven nail, echo, bellow, yell and shout because this is what it's all about.... That silent scream, that red on gray, that bite, the blood, the hell you say!!! But it is and was and never will, yet still this blood just keeps it's spill, and why I let you bite me deep??? When you fucking will not stay your teeth! Yet fall and fall again and more while watching little friendly whores sweep and sway and hold your eye while I listen to your stupid lies, again again, this verse repeats then spills out words on empty sheets. And mad it seems I cannot be because I have no right you see, but love I know it cannot prove because true love it can't be moved, not by might not by will not even by blondish girlish frills. I may not have all that I thought but at least I know I have it bought. And sometimes love it can be jaded but at least I know I won't be traded. Why write about your deep desires then run it down on back road tires? Bury it deep around the bend and hope that message doesn't send! Oh yes I feel that these years are full... Swelling up begin to pull,,,, tearing gently at my ends and spilling out on new begins... and unravel out these loosened threads that sewn up the bite that bled your red. Let it out, let it bleed, let it pour in glassy weeds. Sinking deep into the earth to find it really had no worth, no right, no reason no sense to make, just stupid naive past by mistakes, to live and love and know the truth and wonder what it meant to you... and why the fuck it is I write, these words so much when you they fight, they come out, breath, become born in each and every time I mourn... And God I HATE to love you so and I really now must let go. I'm wasting time and love and peace on something that's not real to me. It never is, it never was,,, It never should have been because, you cannot make a love be true when the love you try to makes with you. You'll never find the one to last because your always looking past, for better, prettier, more and much, I'm never going to be enough. I cursed myself for late so long and wished I could be the perfect one, the one you'd want the one you'd need the one to feed that hungry greed. I wondered why I wondered how, what to change, to fix me how??? But now I see what I need to see, it's not that I have fixing needs,,, I'm fine I'm right I'm just not for you, but for a while it seems that I will do. Until the next one passes by to cooly catch your waving eye, then she will do you for a time then bore you and you'll wonder why... I must it seems end this routine and let you find more sporting means, someone else to take this pain and take that hateful bite you rain. And pass I into the world of life, where people just don't seem to bite. No silent dark kept crypts to lay no late night playful stalking prey, no immortal love to make, no softly tinted shades of gray,,,, It's funny how true red does cast,,, because in life there is no real Lestat.

Currently watching:
Queen of the Damned (Widescreen Edition)